College: Life Before Life

I think college is actually harder than life. But it depends on what you make of it.

Some lessons I've learned from my tenure*

#1: Do not bite off more than you can chew. It will chew you.
I did this every semester of my undergrad, and it has some perks, like you will probably end up just knowing more, but you'll feel like a jerk the entire time and always wish you were doing more. Half-assing 12 things < Whole-assing 6 things, especially when it comes to building transferrable skills like Western Blotting or that thing where it sounds like the record is screeching on the turntable.


#2: When the opportunity arises to prove yourself, do not choke.
College is structured so you're constantly behind. You usually will only have one-to-two chances to prove yourself in any area. Don't assume you can let something go. Bring your A-game every time. If you are afraid you won't be able to handle the pressure, give yourself less pressure. That's okay. You will still accomplish more than you could imagine.


#3: Give yourself leeway.
Participate extra in case you have to miss class. Make contacts with professors you don't even need to know for your career because it will help you in some way-- if you switch careers, if you want to have a positive role model, or even just for practice talking to cool older people in positions of authority.


#4: Use your tongue.
I've tried it both ways. Tongue is better.


#5: Take time to culture yourself.
Take advantage of random events that are happening around you. Go to some talk you don't think you're in the mood for. Practice being curious, as Anders Holm said. Even better, go home from that talk and write a self-indulgent blog post about it, or get into an impromptu conversation with your roommate about it. Change your mind, and change other people's minds. That's what college is about.


#6: Do things for free.
Do something outside of schoolwork and outside of work that is still beneficial and productive for society. And do it for free.


#7: Don't keep good thoughts to yourself.
You know that first week where everyone wants to commit suicide?
You wonder if you're cut out for any social interaction at all, and you sort of hate other people. Or you cling to every longer-than-thirty-second interaction because you wonder if it'll lead to something greater than the deep loneliness of everyone having friends and you not having them and having them all still live with you.

For some reason half of everyone in college thinks it's a better idea to turn a cheek and act like they don't notice the mundane brilliance of others in their vicinity. Well, I whole-heartedly disagree and think college students should sing their hearts out to the free.

Just be a good person, and say things to other people! Let people know how you feel - if you want to date them, or if you think they're just so special, or if you liked that comment they made in discussion about the difference between conservationism and preservationism...you know, sappy stuff like that. We all need others in our lives, and we appreciate our existence being validated. Happy people shine light onto others.


#8: Remember that you ain't tryna decide your whole life right now.
It's okay to drop a class or take something that deviates from the Plan. You can choose to NOT do that research job that's going to tear asunder your entire schedule and you can join an improv troupe even if it has nothing to do with your goals in life. It's okay. Your college whole life is about exploring what you love, even if that's not something you can take a class in or put on your resume. Yes, I know, the economy! The ECONOMY. Believe me, the economy. Whatever. I wouldn't be employed right now if I hadn't been deviating from the Plan. Sure it has no healthcare, but I love it and am damn good at it.


#9: Start a band.
Okay, just kidding. But you should consider it! Or consider this one or this one. Or get a radioshow! Or do something that tests your resolve, problem-solving, initiative and requires you to have to spend time with, be creative and form solutions alongside other human beings.


#10: No glove, no love. And do NOT get behind that wheel after drinking. Oh and DON'T RAPE ANYONE.
I can't emphasize that last one enough. College is the time that most girls learn that they're unsafe and seemingly where dudes forget what their mama taught them about manners. Talking about rape and consent and assault is for another post, possibly for another blog -- but I encourage everyone to do their best to only hang out with people who see women primarily as people rather than commodities. I know we're a hook-up culture and whatever; let's make sure we take responsibility for our own actions and for each other's safety.

Also, don't hang out alone with someone after 2 AM unless they are a trusted, long-time friend. It could go great, but it could just be really weird and I'm not sure what would happen, but I'm pretty sure nothing good ever happens after 2AM:

#11: I say this all the time. But I say it again, dammit! First listen, then seek to be understood. It wouldn't be one of the seven damn habits if it weren't super legit. And actually listen! We all have trouble with this, but it's no good to be keeping a counter-narrative in your head along with someone you're trying to listen to. (I do this super lame thing sometimes where I'll try to guess what someone will say before they say it, and I'm literally always wrong.)
If you don't really listen (without judgment), you risk misremembering or not understanding and making a fool of yourself. It's surprising - people will be like "HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?" and you'll be like, "Oh, I was listening."
In college, it's manifest by a failure to insert your own judgment into everything other people are doing and feeling and experiencing. It's also manifest by not repeating everything you ever hear directly to someone else, using discretion about what you say and don't say about others.


#12: Always use a colon when titling a term paper.
See examples:
French Foreign Policy in the Cold War Era: The Balance between International and Domestic Imperatives
The Post-Colonial Era: Colonialism Part 2?
The Writing of Things: Roy's Alliance With Language
Swallowing his World: Padma and Saleem's Relationship in Midnight's Children
College: Life Before Life


#13: Say yes.
There will be many days when you have a bunch of stuff you really should do and someone will ask you to go to the terrace with them, or try this new club they've been meaning to go to, or cover a story for them, or go see this new band-- say Yes.
Sometimes someone will come to you and tell you they're considering you for this really cool position that doesn't pay for something you really believe in; the Universe is helping you-- say yes.
So many great moments of my life have come from being flexible, spontaneous, and willing to accept the unknown. Saying yes in the face of uncertainty is a sign of courage and strength (and also, utter stupidity - you decide.)


#14: Say no.
Do what you want. Set your limits and make people abide by them. I have lost a lot of sleep by letting people think I was okay with what they wanted to do, or by saying yes to things I really didn't feel like doing. Be kind, but don't say yes to things you can't, don't want to, or will regret to have done. As you start to say no more, you will also learn how to better handle rejection.


#15: Rejection happens and you will learn that in college.
Sometimes it's for the dumbest of reasons like, you're not what we're currently looking for. Sometimes it's for the best reasons like, I'm married. But most of the time, it's kind of nebulous and you never really find out why, and sometimes, if, you were rejected. But it's the same every time. It sucks and for a while, you're like, why does no one love me? Will anything ever work out? Relax, muffin. Someone else will love you for the unicorn that you are.

Think about the other person/entity/applicants. 
-Maybe your advances are making him/her/it uncomfortable and you can change your approach.
-Maybe someone else is more qualified and maybe you should consider becoming more qualified. (Not applicable in relationship rejection, because you are the best person in the entire world and that loser sucks for not realizing it.)
-Consider asking what you could do to improve your chances in future, if this is a socially acceptable/possible move.
-If it doesn't seem like there's anything you could have changed, give yourself a high five/pat on the back for trying and putting yourself out there. Recognize that you learn something and become stronger with every attempt you make at doing something new or putting yourself out there.
-Consider that what you tried for is perhaps not something you actually want. What do you want?
-Realize that better things are coming, and be happy you have space for them.

I once had a span of time where I faced a ton of rejection and heart-wringing in romantic relationships, lots of almosts and maybes and maybe-ifs but then I finally found someone who was just perfect for me, and honestly so much better than all the people I had worried so much about before.
I then came to the conclusion that rejection is good.
Rejection simplifies our lives.
We don't always know what's best for us. And sometimes what's best for us blindsides us and we try to push it away and it just keeps staying and then we fall in love with it.


#16: A change can do you good.

---
Enjoy college and the independence it affords you. Remember, you alone decide whether this will be a positive experience. And, feel free to forget everything bad that happened and remember the good things. Also, punctuation goes within quotation marks! Now you know.


*(Sorry if this is super boring, it is mainly for the benefit of my brother.)

Love, reign o'er me

I love the rain.
I love how it insists upon itself.

It is assertive. It demands that everyone hesitate and reconsider their path, or to boldly charge ahead as they would have anyway. It's the definition of catharsis. It gets it all out there on the table, submerging everything, sparing no surface.

Whether it's helpful or hurtful, it's made its choice and it's not going back. It rains irrevocably, and bowls over everything in its path.

I guess rain is a lot like love. 

exercises in consideration

\writing papers. papers upon papers upon papers make me realize there is a world beyond my immediate comfort zone and a life beyond our borders. sometimes it's inside of a book of fiction, one that reveals more than going through tens and thousands of gallery photographs. whoever said a picture is worth 1000 words is full of bologna, especially if that picture is a selfie, or if it's the sun setting on the horizon. we get it. argue with me if you must.

an institutional reality still sometimes needs to be analyzed, dissected and stripped apart, or second-guessed maybe even more than a dozen times, and that is why i write and that is why reading is fundamental.

\i can't read the word bologna without pronouncing it balogh-nah in my head.

\at risk of sounding childish or naive... the realization that there are so many different things that are all beautiful. so many different forms, so many different faces, so many ways of life.

\on a related note, there are so many untold histories, and unwritten anthologies. we are never lacking something new to think about.

\the further iteration that racism is bad and so is patriarchy...and sometimes "i'm not politically correct" is not a good enough excuse for saying something unfounded, under-informed, insensitive, or just downright rude.

\just because the world isn't a certain way doesn't mean it can't be. it's not fair to point to shining positive examples and ignore the need for change.

\you should always check your facts before disseminating information, even if it's just checking how to spell someone's name.

\we bring everything we've ever done to everything we ever do, and we should remember that before we judge people we meet.

\i wonder how we'd all think differently if we didn't have a partisan system.

\people we don't take seriously yet are going to kick our asses tomorrow. people like my kid brother or your baby cousin. it's going to be super weird, but also awesome and maybe a little painful.

\as easily as we can say "why me?" we can also say "why not me?" and "thank you."

\admitting i am wrong. i am often wrong. i am often not exhibiting "best practices" behavior, even according to those rules i have lain out for myself, or those plans i make but never keep. errors in principle...happen, despite deepest efforts.

\forgiving yourself and others is also an exercise in consideration. forgiving others IS being kind to yourself. letting go of anger will strengthen your relationships and lower your blood pressure. 

paper-writing

is only fun when you get to that point where you've done so much thinking on the topic that the arguments flow freely and simply from you. they dance daintily in the wings waiting to be unleashed onto the stage through your gentle tingling fingertips that transfer them from infancy to adulthood to the page to the world to be read by at least one person ever.

writing a paper is only hard because you must force yourself to think wholly and only on one topic (usually for what feels like an inordinately long amount of time) and discuss it with yourself. you must trust your own interpretations, and stick with your convictions, and then you must explicate them in a way that is sensible, logical, cogent and beautiful. bonus points if you can be funny. everyone will love you if you make just one joke in a situation that was going to be super lame. just one joke. doesn't have to be good.

i felt like writing this post because it is an exercise in my freedom as a writer. now back to the compulsory paper.

tick-tock.

I feel like the clock has already started to run out on me. Tick-tock. Tickety-tock. The notes hit in the same places predictably after one-sixtieth of a minute passes. Oh time, you insatiable drummer-- you beat onward more reliably than a million human hearts.

I am constantly chasing time. I sprint after it until I can't anymore, and then I speed-walk, and then I just pace and stretch, thinking maybe I'll get more tomorrow. Or maybe there's more that I forgot about, hidden somewhere-- between my classes? if I get off work early? I chase moments of leisure and I chase moments of work. I feel the moment I wake up as if I have already dropped five handfuls of sand on the ground. I have fantasies of what I could have done with all that time, while I rush off to whatever appointment I am afraid of being late for. I could've gone on a jog, I could have read that book, I could have written a song - I could have created something more of myself than I have created.

Time time time, biological time, physiological time, clock-time, love-time, dog-years, rhythm, tempo, deadlines, heartbeats, CPT, the environmental degradation of the Earth. Early or late or right on-time.

But then-- I see the face of a friend... or hear a tinkling melody... or open a fiction... that so stunningly mirrors reality that I am jolted away from my chase. And I jolt back to it again - aware that I have allowed myself to deviate from my plan- but I'm yet a little thrilled that I haven't lost the ability to lose myself. To forget time.

It's exhilarating to forget time. It's like going into a dream. But you always wake up. You can never really be free. We live in a time-sensitive culture. Time is money - efficiency is everything and I blame capitalism for half-ruining my time on Earth. But I digress. (I can refer you to this book and this video if you're interested.)

I'm aware that I have this sort-of time complex because I have not resolved my relationship with time. Maybe the problem is cultural. My Indian family is always running late, always slowing down to grab food for the road, and always in a rush. Maybe the problem is structural - I just don't have enough time for what I want to do, or maybe I just don't really want to do half the things I have set out for myself to do. Or maybe I just never learned any damn discipline. I'm charming - I can ask for more time; I work well with the pressure of a deadline; I have built-up a reservoir of get-out-of-jail-free cards. Maybe I'll waste away my life doing just whatever I feel like doing at a given time.  Maybe I'm fine -- maybe I'm just living my way to an answer right now.

I think the reason I love music is the way that it dances in motion with time. There is so much real that is accomplished in such a short burst of time. When I'm singing, I am aware of the time; I have subdivided it, and welcome each new beat with open-mouthed delight. I'm trapped within the time, I'm lost in the sound, and I am it. And just like that, it's over. It never lasts long enough for me to regret starting it.

I don't believe I'll really be happy unless I am moving in-step with time, not bounding ahead of it and not running after it trying to pick up its dust. I need to hum along with the clock, add notes between its tocks, and dance within its confines. I have some serious Stockholm Syndrome.

and you can have it all: my empire of dirt

when is it a good time to say that you're hurt?
not when the hurt has turned to bitterness.

if there is one thing that i've learned in the past year, it's that rationally saying how you feel is the best remedy to any situation when your feelings are involved - especially when those feelings are resentment, hurt, and distance.

that means, when you start to feel those creepy crawly stomach-sinking hole-in-heart feelings, you speak up when it starts or you risk forever holding your piece and onto a grudge you're sick of.
don't be a martyr. don't assume that someone doesn't want to hear your side of it, or that they will be burdened by your feelings. if someone is hurting you and they consider you a friend, it should be their problem as much as it's yours. if they're unwilling to change their actions or offer some kind of appreciation for your feelings, then maybe it's time to consider if the friendship is even worth it.

your feelings don't have to be rational, but rational people own up to their emotions, and recognize they exist.

stop waiting around for people to realize how they're making you feel. grow up, and take care of your relationships.

some nights i stay up cashing in my bad luck

some nights i call it a draw. 

i have been dealt a fairly interesting hand in the past 12 months. this night merits reflection because it's the anniversary of an seemingly-innocuous-but-downright-insidious decision that signified a paradigm shift and has haunted me ever since.

what followed this decision was a cascade of rushed, foolhardy decisions that resulted in a deep sadness, followed by another deep sadness, followed by a few months of confusion and hurt. it seemed like this film of grey wouldn't lift from my life after a while, and i got used to it.  i got used to feeling small, and irrelevant, and i got used to expecting myself to mess up.

i also got used to being alone. being loved doesn't preclude existence, i learned, and loving what you do can sometimes replace it.

but still i was lost and flustered and i floundered and edged away from land, sailing to an island of my own creation.

sometimes i loved this place. everything existed and made sense in some alternate reality. i could be myself, and no one cared, because no one was there. i could feel exactly as i wanted as long as i was in my own room.

and sometimes the compounding blow of life going under-lived and my thoughts being under-thought would eclipse me. i was distracted, unproductive, and treading water as the weeks went on. i didn't know how to ask for what i wanted or needed with clarity. i knew i was unraveling at the seams, but slapped on a smile and went forth anyway without stopping, making excuses for myself along the way, and not asking for help.

our wounds won't close if we don't stop to examine them.

at some point, life cured me. when i went to india, i no longer felt trapped by the life i'd pushed myself into. i was in an environment that left me free to do less than i'm used to and more of everything i wanted. i decided to start living in the joy of the moment, moment-to-moment. not in that weird, drug addict way, but in that taking things slow, one thing at a time, giving every task its due attention, way. i found it calmed me to not always think about the big picture - after all, such a  thing does not exist without the careful placement of its small constituents. i moved from one thing to another to another, and i guess this is the mantra of detachment i've been living. it helps that i went through a meditation-yoga-exercise phase. through moving around, figuratively and literally, i shocked myself into realizing that there is life beyond the immediate parameters i see.

if there's one thing that all this moving around taught me, it's that being alone all the time that can really get you stuck. i notice it more now that i'm not always alone. when you have friends - really good friends, they can anticipate what thought train you are about to take before you commit to the ride. they can sense where you're going and they tell you what not to think. they can help you blow off steam by letting you belt to loud music or by letting you rant, or by making cake at just the right moment, or by introducing you to your new favorite show. they keep track of what's going on with you and have opinions about it, and don't judge you for being fallible... which is really sweet. some nights i'd hurt myself with thoughts about what i could have done better in life, but friends can show you that there's more to you than the ramifications of ill-fated decisions.

equally important as learning to be alone is learning to tell yourself to shut up. sometimes i will hang out with myself and become stale and stagnant, my mouth growing sour and dry.
i feel a dull ache for the life's hydration. i know the answer is within myself somewhere but i have forgotten how to find it. i have trapped myself. i have trapped myself because i have defined my whole existence. i am hopeless because i have forgotten that the parameters of my existence can be infinite. 

it all depends on your level of analysis.  if one cell dies that doesn't mean you die. if one heart breaks, there is still love in the world. or as my boss says, "boys are like buses." (hahaha!)

sometimes you have to do something, and do something great. you know, like write a song or an article or do an experiment or someone else a favor or decorate your room, or go watch an orchestra or something. life is completely lame if you're not building something or becoming something greater than you are today.

bad luck happens, and it seems to be happening to everyone i know. it's true, things aren't as gold as they used to be. (but gold things can stay. take that robert frost, you miserable prick.)

but our wounds close if we don't keep picking at the scabs.
new skin will grow. new life will blossom and glow. and you'll have those battle scars and all those songs you fell in love with and those articles you wrote to help you heal. they will bring you lasting happiness whenever you encounter them.

"in the midst of winter," said albert camus, "i found there was, within myself, an invincible summer."

potential career goals

1. being the same person i am, but older, and possibly married to someone.

2. successful indie musician, touring with yet-to-be-determined band. have developed complex songwriting style and have learned how to solo on the guitar.

3. journalist at the new york times

4. better journalist writing columns for the new york times

5. radiojournalist - this guy i don't even know that well recently told me i should be this. how did you know that was my secret dream?

6. MD/PhD - virology/oncology research and practice.

7. women's rights/healthcare activist

8. professional 20-something blogger

9. non-profit work in india, senegal or for the simpson street free press

10. MPH- solving health problems by attacking policymakers.

11. science journalist.

12. social scientist studying women's health in developing countries

13. pundit/personality/talk show host

14. staff writer for the onion

15. public relations and marketing for something dope like making people get tested for HIV

16. writer for a comedy television show, OR comedian

17. regular writer

18. one of those people on "the voice"

19. glee

20. music writer/reviewer

let's be strong together

let's bring out each other's best qualities.
let's remember why we care for one another.
let's get up and dance at this concert and let the music pass over us like a cool wind on a day drenched in sweat.
let's laugh like little kids.
let's let the rain sop on our faces.
let's fall in love with the moment, with this song, with the earth and the beauty that adorns it.
let's speak with conviction about only what we care about.
let's let the naysayers, haters, debbie-downers, fall by the wayside.
let's make a delicious omelette and eat it with too much red-hot.
let's go somewhere we've never heard of. let's see a shade of green that we didn't know existed.
let's let go of doubt, let's share in each other's joy.
let's stop hating the differences between us. they don't have to divide us.
let's not forget how many beginnings we get in this life.
let's do the right thing all the time.
let's say how we feel.
let's not be a little bitch about it.
let's get the facts first.
let's design an experiment.
let's not only listen to things that confirm our opinions. let's listen to the other side.
let's sing loudly to the music that lifts our souls.
let's give in to pleasure.
let's not find things boring.
let's push ourselves.
let's write a song.
let's call each other later.
let's make someone else comfortable.
let's build something beautiful.

Breaking up with a song

i think that songs have lives just as organisms do. well, actually, it's more that they have souls. their souls have a kind of uncertain lifespan. i know i will have difficulty explaining this, because this is a perennial image i have grown up with, and thereby it seems really obvious to me.

it starts when you first hear a song--it must be a good song, mind you--and it fills up your ears. it fills up your ears at first like any perceptual stimuli. it's just some bleats and some beats and some tones. 

it's like how when you look at the assortment of shapes in the below picture, the first thing you see is just shapes: 

then you realize it is the word "fly." this is the part where your neurons are adapting to the noise and realizing that it's music. 

maybe by the time it gets to the chorus you start to feel this sort of dull ache in your chest cavity as it slowly fills up with a semi-homogeneous solution of bubbly hot emotions and hormones. there's just something about the bass and its volume that's making you feel that weird pain-pleasure mixture like your soul is eating spicy food. something about how familiar but totally new the melody is is making you feel alive. and there's something about now-- where are you? in the car? in an airplane? with someone you just met?-- that is making the song just perfect. for right now. for here.

and you're like, well shit. i'll never be the same again. something about what is filling you is both fueling and curing whatever case of the blues you have right now. something inside you has changed in an irrevocable, indescribable, only-internalizable way. 

i picture myself doing the unimaginable when i feel this way. i picture myself running through the front doors of the an ex-love's building and proclaiming the intensity of my emotions, saying sentences that sound incredibly tacky when not felt, like, "it hurts my heart!" or "i have a SERIOUS case of you." but i know that if i just hold on through, to the last note, or the final beat, that i will feel a sense of closure, a sense of completeness that real life fails to deliver. 

sometimes i try not to listen to music because it makes me feel too strongly. i know that it's one of the easiest to find, most addictive drugs and i go on a diet from it just to make sure i can feel without it. i look at rolling landscapes, or hear the music of the street, without any instrumental accompaniment, but i still hear it in my head before i go to sleep. 

f

sometimes i listen to music and it doesn't work for me anymore. it's the same song that i've listened to every day for the last 90 days, and every day it has felt the same. 

i can always tell that something within me is changing and ending when i no longer feel that ache. it's kind of a heartbreak, but i try to remind myself that songs only encapsulate feelings for as long as you feel them. if i listen to a song and feel nothing, i realize that the song has successfully ushered me through whatever phase it was. whatever it was that ailed me or exhilarated me when the song entered my life now no longer creates that soreness in my gut.  i listen to the song again and i feel no rush of serotonin, no heightened dopamine levels, no tears welling in my eyes. i know then that this song has done its work and now functions only as an old friend i can belt to when no one is around, kind, knowing, and vacant. it exists as a shell of its former self, because my soul is no longer puzzle-pieced within it.

Imagined letter from my future self to my present self*

Dearest Aarushi,

It is I, you, from the future. We live in space now. And your husband is an alien.
Haha, I got you. He is a Permanent Resident. But we still live in space. Only on the weekendends.

(That's the new term for the super long weekends that happen every 3 weeks. They give everyone a nice 4 day break for moonwalking and anti-gravity love-making, which is totally something that people can do now.)

I am just writing you this note to tell you what all future selves tell their past selves. I mean, I would tell you wisdom and advice to make you avoid the mistakes I made, but I kind of like my life now, and I don't want to royally screw myself over, and as I don't remember getting one of these notes myself, I'm probably causing Armageddon as I write this. I'll go back into my study and suddenly have a unibrow. "I just plucked this," I will think, and then I'll realize my kids have morphed into a bunch of creepy internet cats (yes, those are still a thing). It won't matter because by that point, everything will have blown up.

Where was I? I was telling you something. I am going to reinforce for you what you already know, bambalina, but maybe it will sound better coming from someone other than present you. What to you is a distant hope, to me, is a memory. You may be yet uncertain, wondering what your mark on the world will look like, or even if you'll even get the chance to make the mark that you want to make. But make no mistake - you will find a way. This is partially because you will never stop being passionate. Follow your passion - it will be your map. I know this sounds disgusting, (we brought back vomitoriums!) but it is my belief that we gravitate toward the things that we really like. There is a reason you continue to hang out with those weirdos you're friends with; they make you laugh and they talk about nerdy stuff that you also enjoy talking about. There is a reason why you move on from people who are too quick to judge, or who constantly make fun of other people and give dirty looks. No one likes people who give dirty looks. Even now. We make them clean the vomitoriums. It is through these conversations and through these associations and through those other things you find yourself doing (cleaning out incubators and plating cells and re-reading papers, thinking about genetic treatments that use viruses to incorporate the better gene into the target genome, listening to the Shins and weird books about neuroscience) that you will understand what you are truly lusting after. It's not really about the songs you listen to, but about what you're really feeling when you hear them. (...but it's also about the songs you're listening to. We need to talk about some of that stuff. Yep, you were wrong about some stuff. But I'll NEVER tell, muahahahahahaha.)

So here's one for you - you have far from exhausted your potential or your resources. There are still so many people, places, and opportunities you have not yet explored that will be crucial to the development of your character, and of your career. Hell, there are even songs on your iPod that you will discover as your favorites, maybe a year from now. Right now, you are affecting people in ways that you won't begin to realize for years to come. Life is a mystery, and not everything is knowable; as an internal and slightly psycho person, you may think you have everything figured out, but there is always a crucial amount of information missing. Your experience of the world is not the only one that is multidimensional and layered. Like it or not, there are worlds - big worlds like those built of multilateral organizations-- and small worlds, like the ones that exist inside of your friends, that you will not ever be able to access. But life is wasted dwelling on what you can never do, so don't. Uncover all the worlds that you can, the ones you never knew existed. There are millions of blessings that you don't have, but the ones you do have are unique and brilliant, and catered just to you. In the age of customization, isn't that the best that you could ask for? For the sake of thought exercise, imagine if today you were given the gift of Olympic skating ability. You can speed skate with the best of them. You are no longer clumsy when you get on ice. What would you do? Gaining this new talent would be totally stupid, because 1. you're too old to get into that business now, 2. skating makes you cold and you don't understand how it works and you have a ton of other hobbies that you care way more about. Maybe this is a bad example because speed skating is starting to sound really badass. The point is, your particular talents and gifts have shaped you into the kind of person who can fully enjoy them. It's like how youth is wasted on the young, but the opposite.

That's all I really have for you. I have to tend to your alien F1s now. Labor wasn't as bad as you think it is. IT WAS WORSE. Also, you are totally never getting Alzheimer's! Good for you/me/us/the future generation of Agnis.

Yours (and mine) truly,

Future Aarushi

P.S. You should be ashamed. You know what I'm talking about.

*Disclaimer: I'm sorry.

a creature of habit has no real protection

[this post is dated april 5th, 2012]

i write today sitting atop moving ground - no, that can't be right. indeed, i am in relative motion with the ground, soaring away from the horizon and into trees. well, okay, now the horizon appears directly left, which means we're going north (right?).

that's how i've been telling where i am lately. new york is all about east and west - everytime i get off the subway i do a quick and rough assessment of where the sun is and then try to figure out whether the numbers ascend or descend going to the west (they ascend).

anyway, i'm on a bus to ithaca, NY from new york, NY. i've never published anything while bouncing  up and down on the roads - i'm kind of worried as to what this level of turbulence will do to my hard drive. i'm going up to visit some dear friends at cornell university, but i never realized how peacefully smooth midwest buses seem to be in comparison.

i have been in new york and 21 for about 4 days, and as such, i've been thinking a lot about habits.

it started when i recorded the song "bait n' switch" by the shins back in september at their concert, and resurged when it became one of my favorite songs on the new album (plug, plug, plug). the lyric that plunged me into this rumination adorns the title-slot of this blogpost. it stuck out to me because i tend to really respect people who have good habits. the lyric, however, captures the instability that exists within a person who steadfastly adheres to habits over time - when you do something again and again without thinking, you may unknowingly steer yourself into ruin. that's what happened with my bad posture, anyway.

this book i have been listening to - thanks to an accidental subscription to audible.com and a chance listening of an NPR radio program documenting the author - is all about the science of habit-formation. written in the style of blink and other such gladwellian work, the power of habit by charles duhigg, more or less takes the reader through case studies of people who utterly transformed their habits and have emerged as triumphant, better versions of themselves, and of organizations and movements that have succeeded by analyzing the habits of their own bureaucratic inner-workings and of their customers.

listening to this book in the time of my birthday and in one of the most statically dynamic cities on earth has created me a whirlwind of self-reflection.

if you had to sum up a person, you might describe them via their habits.
he always kept a pen in his breast-pocket. 


she was painfully severe to her youthful students, but a baby never failed to crack her hardened face into a grin. 


she is hopelessly punctual. 


even on the stillest day, his hair is windswept. 


the very concepts of "going through the motions" or "with the flow" or "being stuck in a rut" speak to the nature of habit.

some habits are neutral. for example, i have a tendency to stop everything when i see a beautiful baby child just to coo at it and then resume life just as quickly. me and like 10 other people i know share this incredibly relaxing leg-shaking habit. every time i order noodles, i order the same thing even if i don't know if i want it. these simple acts of sameness provide a sort of order in my chaotic, sometimes haphazard existence. and it's easier than trying to be or do a different way.

at 21, i realize that most of my habits are not intentional. rather they are half-grown reactions to life. yes, the tendency toward entropy. there are not many habits i have put into place to make me better, other than the compulsive need to study and do schoolwork in light of a deadline, or that showering-teethbrushing-sometimes hair-brushing instinct. also, i have this particularly good habit where i respond to emails and texts responsibly and quickly.

those that are intentional, however, blend seamlessly into my day-to-day existence and bring me a lot of happiness. it infuses so much joy into my day to listen to music that i know i like on my way to class.

another good habit is is acknowledging, greeting and smiling at other people. talking to people or not talking to people is a habit like any other. in some classes, i am pretty bubbly and interact freely with my peers. but then there are classes in which i never got into the pattern of speaking with my peers, perhaps out of some intense focus i've had on the material, on being distracted by something else, or a fear of poli-sci majors. in those classes where i don't have the habit of chatting with people, i find it incredibly difficult whenever i do want to ask someone a question ("when is that due?") simply because my habit is inaction.

(digression begins.) but as the lady (whose name incidentally was janice stewart) at ellis island said in her rather unorthodox introduction to the this-is-what-happened-at-ellis-island video, "it doesn't cost you anything to talk to people. it doesn't cost you ANYTHING to ask how someone's day is going, and you may have given that person just what they needed."

it was true. (/digression)

but my habits are mostly bad. so much hedonism... staying up late, writing blog entries on a whim instead of doing homework, drinking too much coffee, writing long emails to friends detailing the actions of others who surround me, not reading for class, messing up my room simply because i don't feel like putting everything in specific places (that's how things get lost!)

according to duhigg, bad habits cannot be extinguished - they can only be replaced. a habit is built around a cue and a reward, associated in a Pavlovian way. something triggers your habit, and some good feeling is associated with the result of the action. however, a habit isn't real until a craving for that reward is established.

to put it more simply, if you eat 2 bags of flaming hot cheetos and like them, you have not created a habit. but if you eat 1 bag of flaming hot cheetos and then super crave them for like 4 days and then buy another bag of them and eat them and repeat this process until it gets to the point where you see a bag of cheetos and start salivating and emptying your pockets, you have a habit.

so how do you get rid of this habit?
you can avoid looking at bags of flaming hot cheetos. you still have the neural capacity to salivate over the bag, but you have removed the cue. OR you could make it so that you associate a cheeto cue with something else that delivers the same reward but is not cheetos. maybe you can listen to your favorite song whenever you see cheetos and knock-down your initial reaction to the cheetos that way. you can also replace your bad habit with new habits that offer even stronger rewards. maybe when you crave cheetos, what you really crave is excitement in the middle of your busy schedule, which could be accomplished by a brusk walk around the building or a change of scenery or texting someone you think is cute.

anyway, that is some food for thought. i really want flaming hot cheetos now. new york is wondrous. 

gotta be green, gotta be mean, gotta be everything more

i've had a good outlook lately. i love myself when i'm like this -- rushing into the world with boundless positivity. every person to me is a vessel of vast potential put onto this earth to enact the intentions of the kind universe.

there are low moments, of course. for example, yesterday i spent 7 hours in my new lab. this is not because what i had to do took 7 hours, it's because i am slow and mediocre at doing stuff independently in lab at present. i was thus the last person to leave. my luciferase assay, which is supposed to be the easiest assay in the world, did not go so great (at all), but i guess it was my first time... i'm pretty sure i just pipetted stuff incorrectly. pipetting is hard, i don't care what you say. i always overthink it, redo it, and end up introducing bubbles where there didn't have to be. fail.

in general, i'm doing fine, but all of my work from previous weeks seems to still be making me mentally and physically tired, so i've been allowing myself to relax way more than i should in the small amount of time i have free. as a result, i end up staying up late relaxing and then being unproductive in my spare time the next day. i try to rationalize this by believing my free time is negligible, but it's not, oh well.

life right now is funny for me because it's the only time in ever where my primary motivation is me. i want to eat well/study well/work hard because i want me to do well. at this point, i'm no longer proving myself to the world, i'm proving myself to me.

this semester is about becoming better at handling things quickly, at harnessing my big-picture thinking just as much as i think critically, at making important practices (like reading papers, luciferase assays, being efficient about homework) second nature. it's about only stressing about over the stuff that i legitimately HAVE to stress over. it's about being flexible, and not fixating on things.

that's all i have time to say right now. peace out.

pages upon pages

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/how-to-be-emotionally-stable-without-getting-bored/

i am not a great writer. i don't think i'll be a great writer until i write something that can't be said better. id don't think i could have ever said this better

these days i wake up and i just want to go back to sleep

but then i have to get myself up, get myself out, and then i feel better again. 


i know slowly this will get better, even if nothing makes sense right now. sometimes i just get lost in the fact that break makes it so there's nothing to do unless i initiate it on my own. sometimes i get crippled by go-nowhere relationships- the fact that they don't work convinces me that nothing works. but things work, like my ability to move, and move on. 


i played the guitar for 2 hours today, or what felt like two hours. i can feel myself getting better. i recognize chords more, how they're positioned and shaped, it's even getting a little bit easier to change between them. i can feel myself becoming better even though there's no real proof of it. it just feels a tiny bit easier. i feel stupider now when i play the easy songs. i find myself hungering for songs that let me try new barres, or faster switches. as a challenge, i played one of the songs my band plays, and it actually didn't sound too awful. i hope that someday i will know this big log well enough to make my own songs out of it. 


i figure that's what rebuilding things is like- it comes one day at a time, one song at a time, it slowly gets a tiny bit better. that's really the only way to get better, by a tiny chunk at a time. nothing that really sticks with you can happen all that quickly, except for getting a job, or that boost in oxytocin you get after kissing someone. in general, life is kind of slow and gradual, but wonderful all at the same time. i know someday soon i'll wake up fixed, and i won't even realize it. tomorrow i'll wake up better than i was today, and one day i'll wake up and this knot in my heart will have finally completely dissolved.


i decided i'm not the type of person that wants greatness to happen quickly, as much as it pains me to have to wait. when good things are thrown at me, i fumble and i don't know what to do. i need them to be tossed slowly into my hands. i want to step toward them faithfully, having decided that they're what i truly want. i have to practice being good, getting better one day at a time so that when something truly amazing happens, i'm prepared and welcome to it. 

tricks.

that trick your brain plays on you when you have a fantastic dream that fixes some huge problem in an amazing way, but then you have to wake up and live your life like normal. something in your brain chemistry changes about the situation, because you feel like what happened in your dream felt vivid and real.

that thing where you like someone more after you've hugged them. oxytocin. what a trick.

when you eat smaller versions of food, you actually eat less, and the same with small plates.

the cheerleader effect (as seen on how i met your mother)- you see a group of people and they all seem really cool, but actually the cool that you're seeing is the cool within the group that has been amplified by the fact that they're in a group, and fit together well. when you look at one individual member of the pack, they are not that impressive. this also happens at stores when they put all the pretty colors near each other of shirts. even though you'll only buy one shirt, you're impressed by how the shirts look against each other.

when you shove all of the clothes that normally adorn your floor in your closet in a garbage bag, your room seems a lot cleaner.

when people like you, think you're pretty, or whatever, they are more inclined to believe what you say, even if you're wrong.

that thing zooey deschanel does to her voice to make it sound old-time-y and weird. a trick.

that thing where school makes you feel like biology is totally boring and rigid, but really it's crazy badass and sexy.

when i was little i would try to play that "pick a card, any card!" game. i would organize the entire deck by suit and make the person hold onto the card while i looked through the entire deck to ascertain which card was missing. that was not a trick.

[my excessively long post about] two thousand 'leven

i'm in my bedroom, which isn't in the worse mess of its term as mine, but isn't is exactly something i'd want to clue my parents, future boss or mother-in-law in on. i feel like i should be having this epiphany, but this year i am coming up somewhat empty. i've made some progress this year, but i mean it's impossible not to have done so in a year, i suppose.

i feel as though this year has been broken up fairly rigidly into phases. rich and varied as it were, i feel like it might be one of those years i confuse with the year before it or after it when i'm in my thirties.

currently i'm listening to modest mouse on shuffle. something about modest mouse. they're one of my favorite bands, but their discography is not one that i have sunk to the bottom of. sometimes i'll discover something new they wrote that i love, for example: "sleepwalkin'" from building nothing out of something. the grittiness of isaac brock's voice, the tinniness of the guitar, the random bursts of anger and emotion interlaced with stoicism- it can go from lo-fi to hard core in like 12 seconds. i like the way they say things. what i mean to say is that i like their lyrics, and that's one of those things i unknowingly go for with artists. it doesn't always have to be particularly eloquent, but if the lyrics don't sit well with me, i can't like the artist.

We named our children after towns 

That we've never been to. 

And it's true that the clouds just hunger around 

Like black Cadillacs outside a funeral. 

And we were laughing at the stars 

While our feet clung tight to the ground. 

So pleased with ourselves 

For using so many verbs and nouns. 

-"Black Cadillacs" 


i guess this modest mouse digression has little to do with the new year. i probably could have written this in any year since 2005. something randomly new is that i've started watching the show louie. it turns out i really like louis c.k. and he kind of puts me in the mood to listen to modest mouse somehow.

 i tend to have these associations with music and fiction and feelings. for example, there was a period of time when i associated the decemberists with a series of unfortunate events- there seemed to be a similarity in both wit, fancy, and a slight nautical theme.


louis c.k.'s brand of humor is kind of gritty and ironic too, i guess- in a way that is reminiscent of the irony and bitterness espoused by isaac brock, when he makes statements that are true, yet deeply sad and funny at the same time. he also never portrays himself to be a terribly good person, but he isn't a bad one either. at the same time he is the hero and the antihero.

oh wow, it's late. resolution 1 of every year is always sleep better. why do i never learn? i suppose we're only young once.

stuff about 2011

1. i made several good recordings with my (dynamically member-changing) band, the rose lights, that has now more or less dissolved or gone on extended hiatus. in case you are wandering through, you can listen to/download recordings at our last.fm page. we also played about 7 shows, i think. we kind of got into a nice groove. i'm proud of a lot of the songwriting i've done this year, although i suspect it will be enjoyed by few people in the whole world.

2. i saw The Shins in Philadelphia with Hannah! (note- inconsistent capitalization due to excitement.)  we also recorded a lot of video of us as we slowly deteriorated into madness on our no-sleep 900-mile road-trip adventure, which hannah edited and presented to me as a present. yay for friends with thoughtful creative streaks.

3. i probably read like 3 books. two of them were bossypants (book on tape!) and is everyone hanging out without me? and other concerns by mindy kaling. i started a ton more, but i have a kind of high default rate with reading books. i became a really active blog reader, so at least there's that.

4. i had my "i am just too stupid for this" moment with physics last semester. i am hoping to start fresh with lamer, easier physics this semester. wish me luck. dropping physics was okay, and it was actually kind of a relief to not have to do physics anymore, but the spare time killed me. physics shook my faith in my science abilities. it was quickly followed by a break-up, which basically bummed me out for the rest of the semester.

5. i stopped working in the gilroy lab, and basically did no scientific research (sans a biocore lab) for the rest of the year. i learned a lot mostly from the friendships and exposure to research i had in the gilroy lab. i really felt like i was part of a nerdy family, where people would be nice to me when i'd randomly sing. i liked having some other purpose outside of school to exist- as insignificant as i really was. it was cool to have that introductory experience, it was really cool to learn how to use a confocal microscope.

6. i got drunk for the first time.

7. i visited london and paris, chicago, philadelphia, and seattle.

8. it was one of those messy relationship years. that's quickly shaping into like every year of my life past the age of 16. i suppose every day i'm learning. it's hard to balance circumstances with caring for people, which is why i think most relationships at our age don't always work. sometimes it feels like we're all too busy figuring things out to be able to truly commit to someone. some people more than others, of course. i sometimes wish that people could just all chill out about each other and just get to know each other without making it all such a big complicated deal, but of course, when people's blood is all rushing to different parts of their body, and there's a bunch of oxytocin involved, it's impossible to tell anyone to do anything like 'chill out' and have it really sink in.

9. i performed in the UW summer choir.

10. i continued having a radio show, and started a new one called "tin can diamonds," which i enjoyed making musical themes and playlists for. a good one was "in C." i played songs that were all in C and its relative minor. i also played "commissioning a symphony in C," even though it wasn't in C.

11. need i say 11/11/11? an interesting night was had by my person.

see how much we love each other?

12. i got infinity better at the guitar, which has basically become my loneliness companion. some people have body pillows, i have a noisy instrument that i'm not good at playing. it's okay though because i can sometimes hide the fact that i suck with the fact that i'm a decent vocalist. becca gave me the guitar. (thank you.)

13. my spring semester taught of the wonder and magic that was human genetics and cell biology. i found it frustrating while i was learning it, but once i knew it, it was kind of insane to know the language of existence. it's funny how strangely ordered this chaotic system of proteins floating around in cells actually is. some salient topics and possible future research interests include RNA silencing, epigenetics, and disease transmission at the cellular and signal transduction level. i also learned physiology my fall semester, which was also interesting, but may have been too physical at times for me to love it. i liked learning about how the parasympathetic nervous system controlled only the blood flow to the sexual organs, while the sympathetic one did everything else. i liked feedback loops and stuff, but i wasn't as intrigued by how much resistance the lungs had. that stuff was kind of a bummer. i grew to appreciate how complex and wonderful the kidney is, but i kind of wish i had taken the optional lab component so that i would have cared more about the material.

14. along the lines of biology, i finally had a successful biocore lab project with real results. i'd like to say it was all my accomplishment, but it was really mostly brian's statistical tests that helped us to really know what we knew. i remember it was a really difficult experiment that i had to go to lab and re-do all by myself when our data was not conclusive. i am really glad that i did that though, because our final data supported our hypothesis and yielded significantly different results, so we had a really shiny conclusive data set to present to the class on the last day. i think we were like the only group in our whole class that did a successful experiment, and i just glowed with pride over it. it was also really cool because we were also the only 3-person group (the rest were 4 per), so we were like "suck on that! diffusion of responsibility." it was basically about whether the alpha factor (which induces shmooing of MATa-cells of yeast) of a yeast that was truncated at its signaling domain would still bind to the yeast receptor when combined with regular alpha factor. but that's probably more than you wanted to know. it was a very cool experiment. it turned out that the alpha factor that was truncated bound antagonistically with the receptor on the yeast, so less cell cycle arrest and shmooing. ISN'T THAT COOL? it's actually really cool.

15. i applied to journalism school, decision pending. i don't think i will go though if i get in. for a while it seemed like everyone wanted me to be a journalist-- i was offered a really neat position at the daily cardinal, my journalism professor was on the same plane as me, i spoke at a panel, etc. but i don't know if my career should be in telling the stories of others instead of creating something of my own. i also think that if i really want to be a journalist or something public relations-y in future, my experience serves me better than a degree (that could be used for something more rigid and school-based) would.

16. i started working at the one of our campus newspapers as the diversity editor. i really like it, and hope to do better things in the future with this beat. i think that diversity is important in a newsroom because it affects how sources are selected and whose voices they reflect. i can thank my ethnic studies course that i took over the summer (Journalism 662 taught by professor hemant shah) for teaching me all about the correlation between media portrayal and societal acceptance of certain groups.

picture credit: s. lewis

17. this.

picture credit: j.stewart

18. i think this list would be lame if i didn't mention the completely amazing halloween i had this year. while last year, i was in boston and met john kerry on halloween, this year, i had a gig with my band that i had previously thought would never again play a show. we played in costume. it was my best friend's birthday and i actually got to engage in some festivities, and we ended up throwing a large halloween bash at our apartment, by far the biggest party we've thrown. we got our first and only roommates picture (i'm pretty sure), with the exception of the cartoon renditions of us a la the scott pilgrim web site and jason shao.


19. becca moved out of the apartment and janet moved in. i will miss becca while she's in germany, and never forget how instrumental she was in making my first real apartment into a home-y collection of cold rooms with inexplicable sinks in them. we battled the elements together, the three of us, as well as multiple power outages, choppy internet, and pest-related scares. also of note, scott and sasha moved into the apartment building, but then sasha moved out.

20. sasha and i owned (survived) our organic chemistry and biology courses.

21. i'm really happy about the friendships i've made and maintained this year. it's been a good year filled with nice people. it's funny that you never really know who is going to end up being a good friend, who is going to end up really meaning something to you in the long run. i should really make a list of the people i know and how much i think about them at the beginning of every month and see how it shifts as the year passes. actually! i think i WILL start doing that. it's fascinating how people float in and out of your life and some insignificant specks become enormous blobs of importance.

22. The Arab Spring and the Walker Riots came around April. the only thing i really want to say about the collective bargaining/scott walker protests is that i know that mass action changes things, but wide-scale loud complaining only changes things if it causes mass mobilization that goes beyond awareness. protests are not an end-all, they are just the start of a change. it was also exciting and encouraging to see previously-repressed nations fighting against their corrupt governments because i believe it's true that democracy can only really come from within the populace of a nation- it can hardly be implemented from outside. that being said, there are very real obstacles these people face in their journey toward self-government.

some resolutions:
1. spend more time with my family.
2. floss more.
3. send more thank you notes, be more considerate and gracious in general.
4. be cleaner and more organized with room and belongings.
5. spend more time with close friends and don't take them for granted.
6. exercise more frequently, and try to build core strength.
7. market myself better, be more focused on hobbies than 'hanging out'
8. focus less on social life, focus more on school and career-based aspirations.
9. spend more time at the daily cardinal office.
10. get less carried away.
11. be more focused on health-related needs- doctor's appointments, subscription refills, taking the right meds, etc.

goals:
by the end of this year, i want to...
know how to make fish, chicken and my own daal.
know how to better play guitar. perhaps purchase electric if i get reallllly good.
have a new band or musical project
have had an excellent, life-changing health-related india experience
have actively participated in hindi conversation tables
be on track to graduate in 4, maybe 4 and 1/2 years
have joined a lab and started a research project that i'm really interested in and almost finished with
have a normal sleeping pattern
have lived to tell the story of it

in whatever time we have

it's not that i need anyone else. it's not that anyone needs anyone else, really.

on the list of people you actually need, it's like people who harvest and plant food,
followed by whoever employs you,
followed by someone who invests in you (a research mentor or an employer),
then come your collaborators,
and after all of that, then you need your family and friends, maybe a boyfriend or girlfriend, in that order.

remember, i'm talking need. not like, optimal emotional healthiness.

obviously no one wants to be alone, but human beings are capable of being pretty much lonely for weeks and weeks and totally surviving by their books, their fan fiction authorship, their over-blogging, their music collections, or their research. they can pour themselves over the guitar, treadmill, computer screen, or preoccupy themselves with hours of syndicated television.

and you know, they can be smart, they can be accomplished, they can be amazing, interesting people, all on their own satisfied by their own hobbies.

but they shouldn't have to be. they should talk to each other, they should bond with each other, they should fall in love with being alive on an earth where someone besides them can appreciate how amazing they are, and in turn appreciate the beauty of others' creation and independently-derived thoughts.

if you're busy with your own life that doesn't mean you can't take the time to connect with someone, even if you might only know them for a week or three. you shouldn't be alone in the small amount of time you have. i don't think you should live for others, but i do think part of the reason you cultivate yourself is to share it with others. i think that it's kind of unfair to the world to withhold your perspective from it.  we don't need each other to survive, but it sure as hell is better to have people to chill with.

i could make it on my own, but let me know that i don't have to. no one really wants to be alone in whatever time we have.

principles that i live by

1. do no harm.
this is pretty self-explanatory. i'm not a vengeful person, i would never egg someone's house, or break someone's toys, etc. i try to set my actions by a trajectory that won't hurt people unnecessarily. when someone texts me, i text back; when someone talks to me, i engage with them fully and don't look around the room waiting for them to stop talking, because the fact that someone is talking to me is a gift.

2. be honest in being and in action.
i used to think that lying was the worst, that i should never lie. now i feel that lying is okay, but most of the time unnecessary. i should live my life in a way that doesn't necessitate lying. the important thing is that i'm honest with myself, honest with the people who have a stake in my truth - i wouldn't string along someone if there was no future, and i would never lie about who i am. if there is something that makes me feel like i'm acting untrue, i stop doing that thing.

3. don't let others get in the way of your happiness.
this one is possibly the hardest to follow through with. there is always a balancing act between an individual and the community they are a part of. sometimes one of them calls trump. sometimes you desperately don't want to show that something is upsetting you because you don't want to cause conflict. but if something is really important, i will be 'that person' who complains when something is wrong. i will be that person that calls someone out on their shit, and i'm proud of it.
another facet of this that is less hard to live by is acting in a way that makes me happy even when other people let me down. continuing to be happy in myself is the only way i can really cope with those things.

4. be happy in yourself. (preachy mostly because i don't feel comfortable using I pronouns).
you should be able to spend a day alone and be perfectly content. not all the time, no one is all the time. but you should be okay with being alone, you should feel pleased by what you do in your self-time. you should be able to spend a day recounting your own personal triumphs and feeling happy that you take up a small portion of the world with your own thoughts and mind, and that in itself -- is good.
and in interactions with others, you should be able to hold your own, because you have a unique personhood, and you have thoughts that are worthy of note.

5. treat others with respect.
i treat others as equals. it's basically the golden rule. do unto others as you would have them do unto you. don't treat someone like shit and expect not to get it back in return. be polite and civil, and expect others to uphold those same standards.
i feel that respect is what keeps us from being animals. in a sense i'm also talking about one-to-one respect, which includes hearing someone out, giving someone's thoughts and experience their due importance, and actually giving their point of view some thought. i can disagree with someone completely, i can disrespect all of their viewpoints, but i will still level with them.

6. surround yourself with people who are good.
it matters to me if my friends are assholes. i won't be friends with someone who doesn't treat others with respect, even if they treat me with respect. it is offensive to me if a person disrespects someone else in front of me.

7. on what being a good friend means to me.
i will come to your gigs, recitals, art shows, parties, fundraisers, whatever, as often as my schedule permits, which should be often. i will also get other people to come as much as i can.
i will talk to you about things you are sad about but don't want to act like you're sad about if you want to talk about them.
i will make you mix CDs that hold the songs i think you will like, and think you need to hear.
i will not flake on you, unless there's some kind of emergency, in which case i will always text or call you to inform you that the flaking is happening with as much advance notice as humanly possible.
i will always think you are attractive, but not because i like you, but because you are very attractive and i would be friends with you just because of your looks if i were that kind of person anyway.
i might not always be on time, but i will keep you in the loop about where i am in the getting there process.
i will stick up for you.
i will go with you to something DOA just so we can talk to each other and not feel awkward.
i will tell you what i think about the guys you like, but give you the freedom to make your own judgment calls about what you want to do.
i will post funny things to your wall like once a month at least.
you can always text me when you're bored, and i will text back as soon as possible.
you can tell me any secret and i'll never tell anyone.
i will always wake up and talk to you if you are crying.

8. don't be jealous of other people.
this goes with being happy in yourself, i guess. everyone's different, and jealousy is just counting someone else's blessings instead of your own. i don't remember who said that, but it's very true.

9. approach your problems independently, but seek help as necessary.
i attempt to fix something before i ask for help. i rarely find that anything is impossible, so i try not to be overwhelmed before i even attempt to fix the problem. most problems can be sorted out by:
a. turning it off and then turning it back on
b. a Google search
c. a thorough analysis of the system and what went wrong in the first place
d. reading directions and making sure everything is set up properly
if none of these work, then i ask for help. it's annoying when people ask for my help without attempting something first. it's like, what would you do if i wasn't here? would you hunt me down? or would you try figuring it out by yourself?
this is something i encounter with my students a lot. i feel like it stems from a lack of academic self-confidence. when you don't feel confident, you feel like you have to ask someone before doing anything, but often just turning off the freak-out button is enough to fuel you toward an answer.

10. listen/observe, remember, then judge.
i always feel that it's best to analyze all of the facts before making a judgment. our emotions and thin-slicing tell us a lot in a short amount of time, it's true. but we must be careful to also remember the facts rather than our emotions and quick judgments, because these can be wrong. our facts are what we actually have to go on.
i find that when people don't do this, they actually come away from a situation not understanding what the true outcome of the situation was, because they were too busy thought-commentating instead of listening to what went on.

----
i don't really know why i did this. i guess i felt like i had to write some of these things down, at this point in my life. hopefully i won't have to amend this too much, and i didn't leave out anything important.
anyhow, happy holidays yo. 

breaking up

it's no walk in the park. i am usually the master of distracting myself from shit by using my really resilient memory and my ability to pretend that putting nice things on my wall and play songs with myself on the guitar are roughly equivalent to always having a willing dance and songwriting partner. 

something about now is getting to me. i just listen to the wrong song, and get all lost in my thoughts. suddenly i get flashes of things like seattle streets and kosher bagel places that look eerily like einstein bagels but make better, spicier, tomatoey-er bagels. suddenly i feel like i ruined everything good i ever knew. i can't listen to music anymore. the songs i used to love and connect with now describe the pain of a lost love and a feeling that is now only a memory. i know i'm not saying anything new. 

it's like that awful feeling you get when the only person who can truly make you feel better is the person you can't talk to. it's also awful to feel like you don't have control over when you're going to get some intense emotional reaction to something stupid that's going to stop you from being able to study. it's also sucky that they're replacing that bagel place with just einstein's because then they will get rid of that other, better bagel. it sucks that you will talk to other people about your feelings but they won't be able to wrap their arms around you and make you feel like you're 100% again. they do what they can, and i love them for it. so much. 

i knew it had to happen. we both did. 

one day all this pain will make sense