i'm awake. and you're still sleeping. the sun will rise like yesterday. everything that we are now is everything we can't let go or it's gone forever, far away.

Today it occurred to me how easy it is to hide from others and from ourselves. We teach ourselves to believe that we shouldn't or don't feel a certain way... and then suddenly this tiny thing that we brush aside and keep far away in the depths of our conscious hits us in the face and we're stunned.
It is so so so easy for me to complete shut my parents out of my life. In fact, I notice myself doing it all the time. I long for the relationship with my parents that I see on Boy Meets World or Gilmore Girls, where their parents just sort of "got" them. I've wished countless times that my life were that simple. And sometimes, they do get me and then I realize that we're not so different, but it's only for a second and then, I'll ruin it by turning the music up too loud or something else that shows "complete disrespect for the house and the family".
The other day, I was online and it was like, 3 AM or something. And my mother was waking up, because that's when she normally starts her day. [She's crazy.] She, of course, expressed disbelief at my power to still be awake at 3 AM. She asked me what the hell I was wasting my time with on the computer at this hour. And I said I was doing something creative with one of my blogs. Then she said, "Why would you have a blog? That's like an online diary."
and I said, "Yeah. Cuz it is."
Then she said, "You won't tell us anything, but you'll tell a bunch of random strangers?" I didn't say anything. I was tempted to tell her to read my blog, just like everyone else, but I knew that having me confide something in them shouldn't be some huge deal. I mean, after all, they're my parents. Most of the time, anything that means anything is communicated after a long, thorough, drawn out, full-blown argument or at least, direct questioning until I finally scream out the response. It's not as though, I don't want them to know anything, it's just that I tell myself that they can only be using any information that they know against me, like they're interrogating me in a courtroom. But my parents are not unlike me. They build it up in their head, realizing that I won't open up, so they'll try to get the information forcefully. And it's one horrible vicious cycle, because I feel like I've not talked for so long, how can I start now?
I forget sometimes, I build a wall, sometimes, keeping them out. I notice how they're my worst critics, but not enough that they're my biggest fans. I feel like a hypocrite if I go on thinking I'm some wonderful communicator because I can talk and I say what's on my mind, if I can't even open up to my own parents. For so long, probably since 5th grade, it's all on a need to know basis with my parents. Like today, I went to my friend Caitlin's house to hang out and watch movies. I didn't tell my mom about it. Me and Caitlin had been talking about it for like, a whole week, but I just never got around to telling my mom, because I figured, there was no reason for her to know, because she wouldn't be my ride, and I got all my work done for her. And I figured.. why bother her? But the thing is, my mother wants to know. I don't tell my mother the simplest things, like the people I eat lunch with or what my favorite ice cream flavor is. And for some reason, I expect her to just know. I'm insane. I know it. And I'm lucky. I'm lucky that my parents want to know what's going on in my life. I wish I wasn't so terrible about it. I know so many people who's parents don't ask and don't tell. And I think, how ... empty it must feel. And here I am, with my interactive family, just keeping them out. I feel terrible for having wasted them for so long. I've realized lately that you don't get to keep everything forever, so you better use them really well when you got 'em. I don't want my parents to slip away from me.

Morbid Mixup


I read this on Cnn.com

Cerak, 19, of Gaylord, was among nine people from Taylor University in Indiana riding in a school van that collided with a tractor-trailer on April 26.

Five people died in the crash, including Laura VanRyn, a 22-year-old Taylor senior. But VanRyn's mother and father were mistakenly told that she was alive while Cerak's parents were told that their daughter, whose injuries initially left her in a near-comatose state, was dead.

VanRyn's family and boyfriend kept vigil at Cerak's bedside for five weeks before realizing the error.

Does anyone else look at this and think "Horrible. Disgusting. Disturbing."? I know I do.
How would you feel if you thought your daughter was saved from a horrible accident.. only to find that she was dead? What kind of heart string pulling do you need? Whoever is responsible for the mixup makes me ill.
And how could the family be so silly as to not recognize their own daughter/girlfriend? I mean, if you look at the pictures.. they look NOTHING alike.

I totally just got the weirdest Indian parent sex talk of all time.
They have a tendency to go off on tangents.
"AARUSHI. YOU COULD GET PREGNANT TOMORROW!"
They actually pledged that should I get pregnant, even though I shouldn't unless I want to, that they'd keep the kid and take care of it.

Which scared the hell out of me.
They also reminded me that I'm only 15.
All of this based on like, Jason putting my hair behind my ear in front of my dad.
Oh dear.
Well that's okay, I guess.
I'm not planning on getting pregnant today anyway. It would kind of run in with my guitar lesson.
Speaking of sex talks...

Thank god someone agrees with me about James Blunt.
(I mean, besides Weird Al.)

Sexism in Practice

Papa: Aarushi, Load the dishwasher. I've done my part and fed you. Now you have to do your part and clean up the kitchen.

Aarushi: ...But Chet's being fed too...

Papa: But you're the girl!

(Papa exits. Chet has a wide grin on his face. Aarushi pouts.)

End Scene.

I think it would benefit you all to watch the new Franz Ferdinand music video for "Eleanor, Put Your Boots On". It's a bit different from the CD version on You Could Have it So Much Better, but I think it's worth it.

Have successfully convinced little brother, Chet, to learn to play drums in school.



"Everyone needs rhythm, Chet! Believe me, they're essential. Do you know how many bands don't have drummers? You can be like KEITH MOON. DON'T YOU WANNA BE LIKE KEITH MOON? See that Chet! Look at him, isn't he impressive? Don't you wanna be like him? Oh my god, Chet.. even a capella groups need a drummer. Anyone can sing, but don't you want to drum?"

Until he was like "OKAY. I'LL DO IT."

yes. he's gonna be a rockstar !

Just one thing.

Lindsay Lohan on a Proactive Commercial. (embed screwed up my layout.)

What's bullshit about this?

i need a hero...

Don't you wish that just one person could save the world? That one person can just see what's wrong and take responsibility, while civilians could just watch in appreciation?
Unfortunately, life's not like that. Because there is more than one evil. And instead of facing helpful admiring bystanders, today's heroes are facing hoards of people who try to hurt them and break their spirits. These heroes have to fight, not only the evil monsters of poverty and discrimination and injustice, but also the people who feel as if the injustice needs to be there. And little can be expected of these few mighty heroes who are working alone, because in order for anything to really be saved, everyone has to play the hero.
The weight of the world is on everyone's shoulders. But will everyone find the strength to fight?

I found an effective way to study for history:


Why the 1920s were cool/important
• -flapper skirts
• -Women’s liberation
• -jazz & black people!
o Harlem renaissance- Louis Armstrong & Zora Neale Hurston & Langston Hughes
o Black people started loving themselves
• -people actually like going to school.
• The north finally gets some black people. <3
• -speakeasies
o c’mon you know it was the bee’s knees
• -ban on alcohol abuseË more alcohol abuse
o gangsta-ism ‡ Al Pacino

• -it was when it became okay to hate Russians & Italians. (kidding. Geez)
o -Red Scare‡ Sacco & Venzetti- “If you could execute me 2 times and I could be reborn two other times. I would live again to do what I have done already.” –Bartolomeo Venzetti

• When “going on strike” wasn’t lame or cliché
o Boston Police Strike- police want raises. Police don’t get a raise cuz Calvin doesn’t like people who demand what they want. Calvin replaces them and gives the new workers their benefits.
o Steel Mill Strike- US steel corporation (sep 1919)‡ workers are pissed cuz working conditions suck. No one wanted to stop so the wickedness went on until January despite pleas from Woodrow himself‡ labor unions had bad images thanks to big corporations’ propaganda
o Coal Miners’ Strike- successful 27% increase in wage
o But unfortunately, labor movements lose appeal cuz people were immigrants & immigrants can’t exactly say “Qu’est-ce que nous desirons? L’argent beaucoup!” when the person next to them is like “yo man. I want some money. Please?” Farmers were used to self reliance. Oh yeah, and labor people didn’t like black people.
• All we hear is Radio Ga-Ga
• We also like Magazines and Newspapers‡ cuz now we can all read.
• Cities are cool now. But you know, not everyone fits in. sigh

But then there was that thing that everyone liked, but kind of didn’t trust. It was called… a credit card.

i'm a fool.
i love people who don't love me
and miss people who don't miss me.

Late Night Adventures

I live in a new neighborhood now. Everything about it is new. My house, the people, the parks. They're all only about 5 years out of mint condition. I've acquired new things that I didn't expect from this neighborhood, a bus pass, a special friend, a new appreciation for wide roads and a fetish for cutesy road names like "Shadow Wood", "Eagle Wood",and so on and so forth.

Today, while exploring the neighborhood, me and my boyfriend and my little brother and his little sister were at one of the parks. I had the best time. The sun was setting and it was pretty and we walked home the long way, partially because we were lost. While the sun was setting my dad called my phone and I said we'd be home soon.
I went home and had little homework done by midnight. (when you have a long list, and the assignments take like 3 hours each... it can get difficult..) So I was just about to set my alarms and then I realized I couldn't find my cell phone. I called it incessantly. I asked my mother where it was (yeah, she was on the couch at 1 in the morning half asleep) and she had no clue. I asked my dad who also was similarly bewildered.
So we went out into the middle of the night, around our dark neighborhood with a flashlight. I, at first, tried to do the stupid thing and retrace all my steps backward from the park. My dad, using a lot of profane language, suggested we head straight to the park, while giving me lecture #741 which consists of "I can't believe you would do this... No regard... Absent minded... you don't ever think".. The park that I went to is hidden behind a grassy hill, so it took us forever to locate it.
And then I had a vague memory of Annie asking to use it on the way home, and me pulling it out. So I told my dad, after we had walked through the park that I was sure I dropped it walking home. But then my dad insisted that he had heard some kind of chemical beep that only comes from a missed call on our intrusive cellphones. We called the phone and I heard the faintest tones of "New Slang" by the Shins and I almost still believed that it must be on a sidewalk in the near distance, but then he called again and I walked further into the grass. I heard it louder. It was almost eerie. (It was 1:15: everything's eerie at 1:15) We went back to where we had just been, but thanks to the sound of my very distinctive ringtone that I had kept on Loud because I'm prepared for these types of situations, we found it right there by the wall where we'd just looked, but the gosh darn cellphone is black, so you'd never be able to tell.
We were both excited at how cool that was. I'm really happy that I live in a neighborhood where the parks are abandoned after 8 o'clock. I'm glad my cell phone didn't die or anything out in the cold. But my dad insisted on saying "I told you so," and "You were going to make us retrace all your steps" and "Why is it that common sense is so uncommon?" I protested by telling my father that it's a little harder to think on your feet when your dad is lecturing, and he shot me down saying that I should be able to channel out his lectures.
And because of this, I know there's life outside homework at 1AM. Although I still have 2 more assignments to complete. :P

My back really hurts. I hate when I fall asleep on the couch.
I never fall asleep in some place comfortable. I don't even pick the comfortable couch. I always fall asleep on the short couch, where in order to be comfortable, you have to rest your knees on the armrest and then you wake up and you're aching all over and your back in a funny position and you're like, "What the fuck? Why didn't I pick the comfortable couch? Why didn't I walk up the stairs and go to sleep in my bed? I'm so going to do that next time." But of course, you never do, because at the moment, it's the uncomfortable couch that you involuntarily succumb to. At that moment, you get a flicker of reason, but the sleep is too loud to re-assess your decision. People should never be expected to make decisions when they're tired.

I actually read somewhere that you should never make a decision when you're lying down, because that's when you're most vulnerable and likely to make a decision you'll regret. It's scary but it's actually true. My thoughts so easily shift into the gutter or into a perplexed fantasy state if I'm lying down and trying to figure out what to do. Everything seems so simple when you're lying down... kind of lke you're looking up at the whole world. And so you make all of these ingenius plans... and then you fall asleep. And everything you thought of seems so stupid upon reflection. Sometimes I think that that's just me, tricking myself into believing that my ideas are ludicrous after I conceive them. Because as soon as I stand up, passive aggressive Rushi kicks in. And all of my me-related thoughts get kicked out.

"You'll never truly understand a person until you climb into their skin and walk around a little." -Atticus Finch

Yeah, okay. thanks. I get it now.

I played "Scar Tissue" on the piano. I was bored. My sister's whining. We were supposed to go to the mall. geez.

I think I'm seriously considering getting psychological help.

Today I cried over my bed.
Well actually over my room. I don't know why.
We've recently moved into a new house. This is everything that we've been working towards for the past 2 years. My parents have been obsessed with my new house, always stressed out, always burdened by finances. And now we finally live here.
We still have to pay two mortgages until our other house gets sold.
But yeah. I had to move school districts in September and start going to Memorial High School, which, yeah, was an adjustment.
I'm pretty much in my routine and have made friends, and all that jazz, but...I don't know.
I feel like I don't know myself at all anymore. I used to be so completely sure of myself all the time. Now I'm uncertain and unconfident and I have about 50 inferiority complexes and I'm passive aggressive and I've discovered that I actually do things subconsciously to make myself fail.

and so, today... the third or so day that i'm spending the night at my new house.. my dad tried to move my bed.
I've been sleeping right next to a window, which my mother has been complaining about because she's had disturbing dreams about people falling out of windows and my dad came to my room unannounced, and yeah, I haven't even done my homework yet and he just came in, upsetting my peace and went, "We have to move your bed." and then he put it at this ridiculous diagonal and I can't even think in my room in the first place and I don't know why, I got sooo angry. I made him go away and close the door and moved my bed back against the wall and moved my shelf to the other side of the room and moved my boom box.
I was overcome by this feeling of being overwhelmed by life. And whenever I feel overwhelmed or freaked out, I have no idea where to turn or what I'm even talking about anymore. I feel so unsafe and like I can't reach anyone who'll make me feel secure. One person, all year, has made me feel secure... but that completely backfired and... I don't think I'll ever be completely safe again. And I keep analyzing myself and feeling unable to do anything I don't feel like doing or even talk to people who I like. I'm not depressed or anything... I'm just anxious.
And I'm really sick of dealing with it myself. I feel like I might implode. I really really want to be psychoanalyzed..because I'd really like to know how to fix myself.

Is it possible to be a human being and not screw oneself over?
It seems as if no matter how hard people try to make things go as planned, their own preventive measures always fuck it up anyway. Not worrying doesn't work either.
For example, a person finds that when they stop paying attention or obsessing over something, the most success is gained. Suddenly they're relieved of their worries. So they go around, not paying attention and not obsessing. And now that they've stopped, they mess themselves up because they didn't pay enough attention. It's as if the human is doomed to fail from the start and the more they want something, or strive to gain it, the more difficult it becomes.
Is it all mental?
One would think so. People convince themselves that they can't do things and then never are able to, because of their own convictions. But other times, people are confident and sure of themselves.... and then are sadly surprised. '
Can everything we desire be achieved? Or are there just some things that we have to learn to live without mastering and try and work around difficulties? Like Geometry or Hand-eye coordination...
Is there a limit to how much a human can actually be able to do?

my impromptu speech
"when you're not in love, or you don't have love, everyone you know falls in love on like the same day. "-dane cook
i agree. why is that? why the fuck?
this is stupid. that is so incredibly dumb. why does that always happen?
sometimes i feel like there's a new law like the law of energy, like.. love is never destroyed or created, just like.. moved from place to place or transformed.
like.. not everyone can be happy at the same time so one person has to stop being happy in order for another one to gain happiness. maybe that's what love's like.
not fair.

I'm 15 now.
That's pretty much it.

I hate my Macintosh computer, it fights with blogger all the time.

humans are really low maintenance.
they need to be kept excited and interested.
then they're happy.

is it possible to be sick of yourself?
like.. just completely sick of yourself and what you think of yourself and the excuses you make and the thoughts that you think?
like it's possible to get sick of other people.. so can't you get sick of yourself?
i think i'm feeling some self-ennui.