Friday, December 24, 2010

Humanity for Sale: The Failure of an Economic Mindset in the Developing World

The following is an essay I wrote for my Global Health and International Society class, in which I word an argument that I've wanted to write about for a while.
Basic economics tells of supply and demand.  With supply and demand comes the concept of scarcity and surplus. When any good is less available than it is wanted, it is scarce. Its value invariably increases. The opposite is also true: when there is too much of a good, its value plummets. Economics offers a cogent lens through which the world can be viewed, but its systematic manifestations often fail to account for the inequalities they create. Increasingly, the earth faces a so-called “surplus” of bodies, in the face of a high rate of population growth. This “surplus” consists of marginalized populations who lack access to basic health needs.  However, the presence of a large population is not the root of the problem: it is their maldistribution, with higher populations existing disproportionately in the global south, and the present global economic system that stacks the cards against them. The global marketplace is rife with mechanisms that drive inequality – creating a world wherein a lucky minority has too much, and a vast majority has too little. These mechanisms are sustained by policies embedded in our current economic system that systematically deny rights from the poor and submit them to disproportionate risk. The following paper will explore the mechanisms by which the value of human life is diminished by structurally violent policies, resulting in negative health outcomes on a global scale in the face of uncharted population growth.
The rapid urbanization of recent decades has resulted in an increase in structural inequality and resulting negative health outcomes. With the expansion of urbanism in the developing world has come the expansion of slums, as a corresponding growth in urban planning has not accompanied population booms (Davis 7). The negative health effects of this rise in population have been compounded by Western interventions aimed at including the developing world in the global market, especially the 1980’s structural adjustment programs implemented by IMF and the World Bank. These programs succeeded only in structuring risk. Contingent upon liberalization of trade, privatization and deregulation, these programs were based on the assumption that inclusion in the world market would allow for growth of the developing economy. In actuality, most developing economies’ manufacture of raw materials does not give them a competitive edge in the global economy. Loans given as part of these programs were eventually paid for with funds accorded by slashing social programs in a time when they were needed most for burgeoning urban populations. The removal of social programs results in a much higher health risk to already vulnerable slum populations. Structural adjustment programs were founded on principles that valued economic growth more than it valued individual experience within the developing world—principles that blindly assumed that economic growth would present a rising tide to lift all boats. In reality, these programs widened the gap between the developed and developing world, creating parallel gaps in health and experience between the rich and poor within developing world urban centers. Other economics-based policies, including the “IMF-enforced policies of agricultural de-regulation” as cited by Mike Davis, displaced rural farmers, giving them no choice but to travel to cities in search of work (10). Just as population began to rise, the need for labor began to decline in most industrial cities—leading to a surplus of labor that eventually settled along the edges of cities. Inherent within all of these changes is an implicit devaluing of the human life of the “excess” population: the manner in which slums are overcrowded and unaided represents an oversight of both the international and national governance. This is exemplified by the fact that reforms in favor of development tend to value the country’s economic stance in the global market over the health of the majority of its citizens. These errors in prioritization—the importance placed on the country’s position on the international scale over its health on a national scale–lead to dire health outcomes for the world’s poor, in the form of increased risk and lack of access to social services.
Attempts at population control in the name of “development” have also reflected implicit devaluing of human life. In the 1970’s, the Indian government, under the leadership of Indira Gandhi, implemented a slew of policies in the Emergency period that undermined the rights of India’s poorest and most marginalized citizens. In favor of “beautification,” slums were broken up and displaced peoples were moved to the outskirts of the city (Tarlo 245), their placement by the government mirroring their placement in society. The Family Planning scheme emphasized more the value of sterilization than it did forethought; what really came of this policy was the creation of a “pyramid of pressure” for sterilization (Tarlo 248). If a government official reached his sterilization quota, he would receive a reward, while failure to meet the quota would result in a punishment. These quotas would be fulfilled by two methods.  An official could force his subordinates to be sterilized through coercion or threat in a top-down manner. Conversely, to avoid submitting to sterilization, the official’s subordinate could fulfill the sterilization quota by exerting pressure on his subordinates to be sterilized. In this manner, pressure for sterilization increased down the “food chain” of social strata, leaving the most marginalized people of the society with no choice but to submit to it. The so-called incentives for sterilization offered by the government exhibited a gross devaluation of the livelihood of those facing sterilization; tins of ghee, electric clocks and radios, and a small sum of money were considered a fair exchange for the right to bear life (Tarlo 250). This gave rise to underground markets where certificates of sterilization were eerily similar to currency. Later, when the Delhi Development Authority had exhausted the number of sterilizations it could obtain from its own staff, it made sterilization or presentation of a sterilization certificate a requirement for settlement in DDA housing for those that were displaced by urban development schemes also implemented by the DDA. The pressure of sterilization closed in on all sides around Indian slum-dwellers as part of an exploitative system that created a motive for the poor to exploit the poorer. In the name of development, the rights of the poor in this society were eroded by a system that directly targeted and grossly undervalued their right to fertility.
            The global market puts the poor at risk by subtly tipping the scales against them and by explicitly allowing their exploitation. In many cases, the poor pay dearly for their attempts to earn a living, giving up their health in the face of poor regulation of business and market practices.  As Scheper-Hughes writes, “The problem is that markets are by nature indiscriminate and inclined to reduce everything—even human beings, their labor, and their reproductive capacity—to the status of commodities” (193). The recent illegal trafficking of human organs shows how an economic system can manufacture risk exclusively to the poor by allowing the impoverished to give up their lifelong health for a quick sum of money, while a wealthy person would likely never even consider such an action. This speaks to the desperation that is arranged by the inequality of this system, and the lack of regulation within the global marketplace.
A globalized marketplace allows also for direct exploitation in the name of efficiency and expediency. Because of the lower costs and regulations, corporations increasingly outsource labor to developing nations. In many cases, this has resulted in a relaxation of both safety standards and accountability in industrial settings. Notably, the Bhopal disaster is an example of a Western company outsourcing its risk. In the early hours of December 3, 1984, a toxic gas leak coming from the Union Carbide pesticide plant covered the industrial city of Bhopal, killing thousands of workers and civilians and leaving many others with lifelong health problems (Fortun 194). Compensatory efforts did not begin to cover the costs of the lasting health effects on the population. The poor of Bhopal lacked the political might that Union Carbide’s legal team had; they had no recourse. In the developing world, failures of regulation coupled with economic exploitation can result in irreversible negative health outcomes for underprivileged populations.
 The above examples represent a mere fraction of the ways in which the global economy gives rise to increasing inequalities between the haves and the have-nots. A measured examination of all exploitation and risk that the current economic system affords is far beyond the scope of this essay; indeed, it is likely impossible.  The difficulty in measurement lies in the fact that the subtle devaluation of the poor underlies the system over which all commerce is built; the economic system is structured on inequality. However, where economic models allow a restoration of balance, there is no such balance in the real world. Use of a solely economic mindset when considering global inequality is a mistake, as a misplaced belief in economic development and growth as a panacea undoubtedly oversimplifies the problem. This oversimplification undervalues humanity, causing a marked decline in quality of life, as the disenfranchised fight to stay afloat, paying the debts with their liberties and their health. 

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

words i feel were created for my use

lovelorn, adj. unhappy because of unrequited love.

wanderlust, noun. a strong desire to travel.

quixotic, adj. exceedingly idealistic; unrealistic and impractical.

whimsy, noun. playfully quaint or fanciful behavior or humor.

ennui, noun. a feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of occupation or excitement.

swell, verb. 1) become larger or rounder in size, typically as a result of an accumulation of fluid. 2) become or make greater in intensity, number, amount or volume. 3) be intensely affected or filled with a particular emotion.

swell, noun. 2) a slow regular movement of the sea in rolling waves that do not break. 3)a mechanism for producing a crescendo or diminuendo in an organ or harmonium. 4) informal, dated: a person of wealth or high social position, typically one perceived as a fashionable or stylish.

swell, adjective: informal, dated: excellent, very good

ameliorate, verb. make better

nightfall, noun. the darker stage of twilight.

disposition, noun. 1) a person's inherent qualities of mind and character. 2) the way in which something is placed or arranged, esp. in relation to other things. the action of arranging or ordering people or things in a particular way. 3) the action of distributing or transferring property or money to someone, in particular or by bequest. 4) the power to deal with something as one pleases

replenish, verb. fill something up again.

candor, noun. the quality of being open and honest in expression.

behest, noun. a person's orders or command.

crimson, noun. of a rich deep red color inclining to purple.

sorrow, noun. a feeling of deep distress caused by loss, disappointment or other misfortune suffered by oneself or others. an event or circumstance that causes such a feeling. the outward expression of grief; lamentation.

dream, noun. a series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a person's mind during sleep. a state of mind in which someone is or seems to be unaware of their immediate surroundings. a cherished aspiration, ambition or ideal. an unrealistic or self-deluding fantasy. a person or thing perceived as wonderful or perfect.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Music Imitating Life or Life Imitating Music

Music is kind of like another way of measuring reality. Just as I can measure my life over time, or by classes taken or places I've lived, I can measure my life by what music I was learning and listening to and singing.

History
To give a brief history, years zero through six were oldies for the most part: Joan Baez and Simon and Garfunkel and songs my mother sang to me when she woke me up, Sound of Music,  and Disney music. Songs from old Hindi movies and snippets of Wham's Last Christmas, and "Kissed by a rose!" and Fleetwood Mac as my first few years of life took place between India and Britain and Illinois and Madison. Music was so ubiquitous in my household and to me, it was normal and natural to break out into song.

In Springfield, IL, my mother had to implement a "no singing at the dining table" rule because my sister and I always singing pieces of songs as our hot food became cold. Throughout elementary school, I sang to myself during worktimes and recess, and sometimes got yelled at by my peers, while my teachers didn't always have the heart to shut me up. (But they had plenty of opportunities to, nonetheless, because I was really talkative.)

My actual point
I won't bore you with 15 more years of history, it suffices to say that I've always felt that we have a natural connection with music and it seems with every year that goes by, it grows stronger.
To me, music seems irreducible. That's not to say that you can't lift a melody and still do it justice-- but it means something different. It means something different with an addition or a subtraction from it, and thus, to me, anyone's cover of a different song is entirely different from the original. And to me, each element is of equal importance in a song-- lyrics or lack thereof, rhythms, melodies -- vocal or instrumental are all on the same plane. You may like a song for only one of them, sure. But each is important to the entire song.

And I think that beyond all of these things that may be compositional arguments, music runs through our veins and in our brains. Sometimes, I'll be going through a rough patch in my day or in my life, and a perfectly applicable song will run through my mind. Sometimes Come on Eileen will pump through my head while I'm taking a test, or Crown of Love will come and sing to my broken heart.

Something I've been wondering about for a long time now (I think I may have asked it in a previous blog entry) is whether the songs that get stuck in our heads are in the right key. Think about it. It's bouncing around in there uncontrollably and at times you just want to say "Get out of my head, you!" But it occurred to me that it was stuck in my head, and maybe I couldn't sing the words or anything, but it was still running like a recording. So I started to wonder if the songs that get stuck in our heads are in the right key. My theory is that even though we might not be able to reproduce the elements of the song, but we remember it right, as if it's a record playing in your head. I've tried to test it by waiting til a song gets stuck in my head and singing it as close to the key as I can. Then I check it with the actual song. And it worked! And it makes me think that music hits us close to the soul more than we can express.

Today I found out that researchers at Tufts University have found that the minor third in music (the traditional sad interval in western music, everpresent in my band's new song, Becoming Real and in pretty much every traditionally minor sad song) is used in Western speech to convey sadness the same way it does in music. This brings up questions about music's effect on life, or life's effect on music-- a more far-fetched-sounding argument. The lead author, Megan Curtis, says she's interested in studying Hindi speakers use of intervals in expression of sad speech to see whether those intervals are different, suggesting it's culturally learned. Else, if Indians do speak in minor third, maybe the minor third is universal. (I'm not sure that she'll find a pentatonic sad tone in Indians.)
They've looked at macaque monkeys that emit higher octave-like tones when they're jubilant, and descending tones when they're sad. Curtis says (on To the Best of Our Knowledge) that the study suggests that speech and music have a common ancestor... maybe singing came first?

It's weird that once a song is sung or released to the universe, you don't own it anymore. It has a life of its own-- it's free to get stuck in some stranger's head. And yeah, that's life, and everything you do always affects someone else somehow, but for some reason, people are realistic with music! The music someone chooses to listen to, alone, when no one's around or when people don't know what you're listening to, is like a direct path to their soul. It's feelings that you can't help but wear on your sleeve. Do you notice that when you meet someone you really like who shares a musical interest with you, you automatically listen to that music more? Or, when you sing a song to yourself and someone joins in, you like that person so much more? I know these are really silly things to point out, maybe I'm overexcited... but I think it's kind of crazy that we have this relationship with music. It's not just the music that has an effect on us, we have an effect on the music, I argue, and music is a very effective means of touching and connecting with one another.

(A link to the Curtis study: http://ase.tufts.edu/psychology/music-cognition/pdfs/Curtis&Bharucha2010Emotion.pdf)

Monday, December 06, 2010

new additions to music library

- janelle monae, The ArchAndroid very catchy, album flows one song into another, danceable and singable win-win-win

- local natives, self-titled

- of montreal, false priest

- cee lo green, the lady killer

-garfunkel & oates... note: hilarious

-putamayo a new groove

soooo excited!!

Sunday, December 05, 2010

plans

for this week:
  • complete homework/projects in timely manner, read for class.
  • finish planting for monday. finish planting for friday. TRANSPLANT
  • come up with new and creative ways to eat new favorite staple (hummus).
  • listen to broken bells, local natives while walking to class. make new exciting playlist for listening on wednesday
  • try to change default thought processes away from tangible life things to bigger ideas. interact with what is learned about in school.  stop thinking about material things so much. 
  • get pumped for an excellent show next sunday, and this means-- practicing lyrics that i don't know well so i don't forget them on stage and not spontaneously gaining 10 pounds making dress unwearable
  • do stuff for hindi class, don't forget to do so
  • do a really great radio show! 
  • choose a child 

  • once school is over:
    -keep up with lab work over break
    -go on at least one fun day trip; don't forget to enjoy time with friends!
    -forget all about the pain of ochem
    -RECORD AND PRACTICE WITH THE ROSE LIGHTS. be REALLY productive about this
    -BUY genetics textbook and get deals on other texts
    -cook things with peppermint in them
    -read like 10 books-- create new traditions with self

    Saturday, December 04, 2010

    hmmm

    7 blunders of the world according to mahatma gandhi

    1. wealth without work
    2. pleasure without conscience
    3. knowledge without character
    4. commerce without morality
    5. science without humanity
    6. worship without sacrifice
    7. politics without principle

    Friday, November 19, 2010

    reiterating song lyrics and otherwise being inarticulate

    lately i've had little to say that's of any worth or any productive worth anyway.
    i've been hooked on a feeling (high on believing!) and have just been singing and listening and thinking the same things over and over again. what's funny is that i'm stewing and brewing and not really doing much in the form of doing. anything. i did maybe 3 things this week that i'd say i was proud of. but in contrast to the maybe 134 things that i'm not proud of which are not limited to:

    -starting my problem set early and then waiting to 11 o'clock the night before it was due to think about looking at it again
    -lying to myself
    -overthinking when i said i wouldn't
    -underthinking when i said i wouldn't
    and it's always the wrong thing that i'm doing the thinking act about!
    -exhibiting the fact that i'm stressed in situations where i'm usually calm and collected
    -bumping into stuff
    -letting someone hinge on my confusion

    it just reminds me of the feist song that i'm listening to right now. she says, "ooh i'll be the one to break my heart." she's saying it in the context of a breakup, but i'm saying it in a context of me. i have control over everything in my life, and i'm really the one who breaks my own heart. this isn't even really the case with a lot of people. some people fall for people who give them the wrong idea or something, and then their hearts get broken. no, me, i'm the one who breaks my heart.

    sometimes i feel like i'm all talk. i'm always thinking of stuff. i'm always distracting myself into some dream world that exists in this weird musical Fth dimension. i'm always thinking of really good interesting thoughts that i'd be too shy to bring up with the people i want to talk to them about.
    i think that all my worlds can be described through song lyrics and poetry-- this isn't true. lately it's been working because i've been holding some rather cliche emotions: the perceived lack of control, apathy, dark humor related to my general hopelessness-- and i know i'm not alone in this.
    i've noticed over the course of biocore that people are casually getting meaner over dumber things. not everyone, but i can feel the vibe. and some are addicted to caffeine pills.

     to be honest, the reason i feel like i'm being inarticulate is because i haven't really viewed my life with real honesty in november. i've just been getting by, day-to-day, living the unexamined life. it's not that i don't care about stuff, i care about so many things, perhaps too many. it's that i feel like my life is like a badly written essay that demands structure (similar to the rambling nature of this post.)
    everything looks perfect from far away

    i hate it when i can tell that i'm being boring, or a broken record. i've been thinking too much about the green revolution and corporations so much that it gets abstracted and i can't even explain it properly (stay tuned for that). and lately i feel like i've been letting it slide when i do something out of line, or mean where i wouldn't before. maybe this is what it's like to be jaded. this is a shitty side of me that doesn't need to have a home here.

    Wednesday, November 03, 2010

    it's way too late to be this locked inside ourselves...

    so i'm unlocking a little bit.

    some things about me that are true.

    -if i go out of my way to talk to you, i probably like you a lot more than i let on.
    -i'm actually really neutral about a lot of things
    -i wish people could read my mind and act accordingly but not as though they are reading my mind.
    -there are so many parts of me that i feel i want to improve, but it's hard for me to actually improve. for this reason, i don't appreciate it when people try to predict my behavior, because i want not to be the same me tomorrow as i am today at least in some facet or another. evidently, it does not always work out. changes for me are gradual but real, sometimes as reflected as change in mindset more than a huge shift in actions. i like to do things with the hope that they will inspire me to do other things i want to do, like buy post-it notes or borrow books. i like to surround myself with options.
     -i generally try to avoid helping people when i don't know if i can actually help them. i feel like it's better for us both.
    -i have little expendable time. but the time i do have, i do a great job of expending.
    -i have a zit on my nose which is in a terrible terrible place because it would be irritated if anyone were to rub noses with me. but rubbing noses is kind of unsanitary.
    -i like to walk too fast while listening to music and imagine that everyone is looking at me and thinking i am so cool.
    -sometimes i just wish that i'd been a different person so i could do something drastically different in a different place than i am now. i think this comes from a desire to feel what it's like to live somewhere else and to be in a place where people don't know me. i'm sure everyone has the same feelings as i do on this matter.
    -i forget what i look like all the time.
    -i am pretty sensitive about weird stuff.
    -i rarely give up on things, even when i probably should.
    -i block things out of my memory quite frequently to avoid dwelling. left to my own devices, i dwell. i need to do things and see people and see the world with renewed excitement everyday in order not to get lost in my own head.

    Monday, October 25, 2010

    picking battles

    there are different types of arguments: there are the kinds that are carefully, methodically lain out, with no clear opponent-- the fight for truth against falsehood; there are arguments created to make way for better, deeper arguments; there are playful arguments between potential lovers; and there are angry, bitter arguments between two people who care about one another very much.


    when is the argument worth it? when will it damage more than it resolves? when does a joke argument turn into a real argument? when does a statement of observation become a jab?

    where does an argument start from?
    it starts from a "difference" that two people have. "having differences" has become a rather stupid colloquialism that connotes an inability to agree on something with the person with whom you have that difference. i think it's dumb because, dur, we all "have our differences."
    this difference could be minute like "coke or pepsi" or slightly less minute like "republican or democrat" or maybe still minute like "do you eat your food right away or keep it for when you know you want it?"

    what fuels an argument is two things:
    1. you feel your side of the argument is legitimately true and you believe that you're right
    2. once the argument is started, you want to win at all costs

    a little bit of both of these elements fuels a good argument... but i'd say you can characterize by how much these two factors are at play.

    so like, if you're exhibiting a 2:1 ratio of feeling like you're right and wanting to win, then you are probably having a structured debate, not unlike those that occur in a high school debate situation. if you have a 1.5:1 ratio, you might be a pretty "good" politician (in that you care more about what's right than winning but if you're a really good politician maybe you want closer to a 1:1 ratio, because in order to achieve number 1, you've gotta be able to do #2.) i feel like the ratios exhibited in most passionate, spur of the moment fights with people you care about is a 1:2 for the offensive arguer. sometimes it's even more in the direction of #2 because the arguer is very often not even arguing about the thing, but the greater meaning behind that thing. they want to get the attention of the other person in some way, by getting mad at them, by being right. oh and the ratios between people who are being playful don't matter really at all.

    so where is this coming from?

    i guess i just never know where or when to pick my battles with people. this might be because i don't think of them much as battles as they are sharing opinions and putting down evidence for them (that is until #2 takes over). i don't like it when people dismiss arguments before they are fully formed. but i also realize that some arguments are a lost cause, like preferences. (or can you? what causes preferences? to be discussed at a later date.)
    i always get all tangled up when people don't share my preferences because i think they just need to see something in the same light as i do and then they'll understand. what i should realize is that our world is richer because people have preferences.
    then we wouldn't have people who knit or people who paint or even computers. i think that argumentation can be particularly harmful when one person tries to say what's best for everyone. often, it's simply not what's best for everyone. people are different, they have different modes of operation, different comforts, different weaknesses, different fears.
    what i guess i really wish, though, was that people (self included) would be more open-minded about people, places, things and ideas encountered in life. i feel like so many things get dismissed "on" some "principle" that's founded in some preference that someone else has. sometimes it gets dismissed on circumstance... e.g. "i was in a bad mood when i met this person and misjudged him."

    enough rambling for tonight, i still have plenty of orgo to keep me warm.

    Sunday, October 24, 2010

    the definition of insanity

    is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. - albert einstein

    as demonstrated by aarushi, this weekend, and last weekend, and the weekend before that.

    will i ever learn? will the benefit of being a good girl early ever outweigh the cost of staying up late on sunday screwed as hell? will i write my global health paper before the day before it's due the day i get back from boston?

    more importantly, will i become less selfish? lately, in my attempts to be me-first/independent, i think that i am becoming increasingly self-absorbed.

    maybe i'm just pupating

    Saturday, October 16, 2010

    they don't love you like i love you

    i am not always the biggest fan of karen o -- but i fully believe in giving credit where it's due. this song, from fever to tell, has this feeling about it that i guess does this thing where it encapsulates a feeling that i think gets had more than people want to say.


    she kind of pulls from some really tender place probably located somewhere in her id and she feels like she can say something so upfront and polarizing- "they don't love you like i love you." the idea of simple devotion, care and shared laughter seems so alien these utilitarian days of college life.

    i sometimes wish that what i want in my heart of hearts-- which i fully believe is something really unselfish-- could be justifiable or even possible in this universe.
    i mean, of course it's possible... anything is probably possible given time and resources and will. but it's really not that easy, and it's really hard to know why you want something and if just wanting something is reason enough to pursue.

    all this time i thought that i didn't have a wall up against the world. i thought that others kept people out with their pretend callousness and their cavalier attitudes toward others, but i am slowly realizing that i have slowly but surely and maybe accidentally constructed some kind of barricade against the world. i know because i frequently bump into it when i try to express my feelings to someone or another. for some reason the prospect of showing any weakness or regard for what other people think can seem so daunting.

    Sunday, October 10, 2010

    i need to be nicer

    to start, some offensive words
    -cock: to describe someone who is a pompous, arrogant jerk. someone can be this and still be a good person.. usually used with a qualifer as in that guy we studied with was kind of a cock but can be used more outright john mayer just seems like such a cock

    -turd: to describe someone mildly jerkish as in quit poking me you turd or that's my guac, you turd

    sorry to anyone who may be offended by this post. it's a post. get over it.

    i really have become a lot meaner lately. maybe it's the fact that all of my time is allotted to doing something. i never do nothing anymore (intentional double negative).

    sometimes it just comes with the territory of being honest and sometimes it's in self-defense. but i mean, i get it. chances are if you're my friend, you're my good friend. most of the time, i'm a linking force between people i know (it might be the middle child in me) and thus, people feel like they can rag on me because they know me and if they rag on others it's not as okay because they don't know the others all that well. it's like what they do to relate to other people in the group. and i get that this is probably a good position to be in, and also that i'm sometimes just up for a fight.

    i need to stop being so caring. this is what it all comes down to anyway. people never try to mess with people who are elusive and cold. but when i don't care, i'm automatically mean. it's an extinction vortex!

    i feel like meanness stems from the fact that sometimes i just feel like i wish people would be more honest about things. i really believe that people would do better to say what they think instead of pretending like they're cool with stuff to avoid clashing with people.

    i think it's cowardly to say one thing and do another, to act in a way that's misleading. being nice is not about telling people what they want to hear, it's about telling the truth while minimizing the stress of others. it's about treating others with real respect.

    regardless of this, i'm going to burn up into flames because i am goddess sitala and then be reborn like the phoenix that i am and then i'll be super nice to everyone.

    also, check out this great music.

    Monday, October 04, 2010

    I never do as much as I want to do.

    Also, I wish I were Salma Hayek. You slay me, beautiful woman.


    Apparently, Becca's and my Unrequited Love show got everyone depressed. I'm sorry. Unrequited love sucks for everyone involved... we all know it.  Thankfully, we have our platonic friends and our 30 Rock and Mexican candies to get us through all the hard times and that's all we really need, I think.

    It's getting colder outside, which means the layers and the feelings of not wanting to get out of bed ever are back, my friend. Tomorrow I'm going to have a great, productive day. And by tomorrow, I mean today.

    Goals for the upcoming week:
    -Do well on Biocore Test
    -Study successfully
    -Finish Global Health Essay and get a better grade than Jason does (So doable if I keep my head up)
    -Find innovative ways to look good in cold weather
    -Become more aware of political issues
    -Brainstorm song ideas for the Rose Lights

    Monday, September 27, 2010

    i have confidence in sunlight

    so... the only way to live such a hectic life is to not second-guess myself.
    -i often sing this song to myself when i feel down:


    and i remember what connie wu constantly repeats to me:
    "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent" via eleanor roosevelt...
     and also what my friend meredith walsh said, "when you're confident, people just think about you more, and you won't even realize it."

    i am in a good mood, because i was not too shy to request a couple of things i needed and am now better off! i think we all spend too much time hesitating.


    "Human potential is the same for all. Your feeling, "I am of no value", is wrong. Absolutely wrong. You are deceiving yourself. We all have the power of thought- so what are you lacking? If you have willpower, then you can change anything. It is usually said that you are your own master."

    "With the realization of one's own potential and self-confidence in ones ability, one can build a better world. According to my own experience, self-confidence is very important. That sort of confidence is not a blind one; it is an awareness of ones own potential. On that basis, human beings can transform themselves by increasing the good qualities and reducing the negative qualities."
    Both quotes from the Dalai Lama

    Monday, September 13, 2010

    it's been an interesting few days at the apartment

    in general, i think things are coming along nicely...

    as roommates we're pretty close, but we're not insufferably close... it's a little like living with parents, because i feel like connie and becca are always looking out for me, and i definitely stay up the latest and make the most noise, and have the most drama of the three of us. i am also the least initiative taking as it comes to things like cooking, and i'm the instigator of all the apartment hangouts that have happened thus far.

    (i'm definitely the baby of this roommate situation, as i am in a lot of other cases-- my band although i think i share that position with scott, and at home, despite the fact that i have a younger brother, and in the lab.)

    school has made me busy, busy, busy with purposeful activities, so i'm quite pleased to be quite honest. i'm delighting in the discoveries that make me feel so young, when during the summer, i felt that i'd seen it all. this cuts into my time to explore my hobbies, but i'm bettering so much as a person in such a short time that i almost don't care. living with such good examples as becca and connie is very beneficial for me; i couldn't ask for two roommates that care more about me and offer stimulating conversation.

    i just did a little bit of ochem conquering with the help of gina and jessica and jason, and now i'm off to bed to have another busy day. this might be a boring post, but i just wanted to note my feelings for the moment.

    Saturday, September 11, 2010

    i wanna be forgotten, and i don't want to be reminded

    here it comes, the raw angst.

    i swear, i'm so one of those pathological, use humor as a shield people, and i didn't even see it coming. me? yes, me.
    see, it goes back to that idea of self-sabotage. what makes us do things we know are wrong?!


    shuck, shuck me.

    Tuesday, September 07, 2010

    dare i say that i'm excited for this semester?

    i am excited for this semester. yes, i doth deigned to say such a controversial statement and i stand behind it. today was so busy. today was awesome. i mean, not all of it, but it was packed full of life experience and learning, while retaining the sheen of newness that i hope will never fade, although i know it will probably inevitably grow dull.
    i woke up at 7 (admittedly much too early) and failed to fall back asleep for long enough to add hours to my sleep-account. i fumbled and put on clothes that weren't the best choice for the day, but i still wore them the whole day through. my "i fought the law" (points if you knew that it's by the clash covering bobby fuller four) shirt and my tight jeans that jason bought from re-threads and then re-gifted to me because they were too tight and had no pocket space (and they were girl-pants.)
    i packed a lunch! small triumph. little did i know that it would be delicious despite the fact that becca refused to buy real pepper jack, opting instead for the imitation pepper jack cheese product singles.
    i went to organic chemistry and totally zoned out and had nothing to say to my "neighbors" when we were forced to kamikaze "discuss" NMR. that's a class i'm going to fall behind in fast.
    failed to make good conversation with guy in my ochem II class that i met last semester in a discussion, accidentally told him that recognizing strangers like him on the street was a "plague" that i suffer.
    got a cappucino before going to hindi, amazingly had enough time to do so.
    failed at speaking hindi in hindi class but did not fail at making people laugh.
    ran into my entire lab convoying to a lab lunch while walking down the hill.
    interviewed my friend priyanka for my radioshow, got glimpse into freshman life and into newly renovated chadbourne and best veggie quesadilla i've ever tasted. good till the last bite. did an interview in a stairwell, lent a real authenticity to the reporting.
    answered questions in the lecture of the class i have with all upper classmen, professor learned my name, felt intelligent.
    drank some kind of caffeinated water beverage on hour-long commute to work sitting in front of terribly obnoxious people who caused me to suffer temporary hearing loss because i tried to drown them out with headphones.
    suffered four and a half hours at work with a stomach ache although my boss sang the song that it says on my shirt. ("i fought the law," remember? that was foreshadowing.) apparently he's seen every band from the 70s that is on my iPod at least 309483048 times. very cool.
    my dad picked me up from work to save me from staying there until tomorrow, which is now.
    went to the radio station, pre-recorded my radio show for thursday.

    voila, my 16-hour day. sorry to those who bore with me.

    Friday, September 03, 2010

    and we're back

    school is back in session, la dee da and i am already tired.

    between ochem ii, biocore + lab, hindi, international health and global society, lab job and simpson street, i barely have time to feel a little bit insecure before i dive into a nervous breakdown just thinking about it.

    already, i have to pre-record my radio show in advance because there is no time on the schedule that becca and i and the studio are all three available.

    adding to my stressors is the fact that i have to print out all my readings but anyone will agree with me when i say that binders are the shittiest invention for holding paper for which nothing better has yet been invented, it's a pain in the ass to print stuff. also, my beautiful blue textbook came in the mail today and then my sister saw it and went Ohmygod, you're using the same textbook as me! I got the International edition MUCH CHEAPER on EBAY!! RETURN THIS NOOOW!!! so i live in fear until the international edition comes, next wednesday, the day of my first lab. meanwhile, i have to stare at the beautiful textbook that is pretty and has a nice cover that i just can't have unless i can say bye-bye to a sweet deal.

    i haven't even started any of my homework yet. also, i am like 2 or 3 days behind in my lab work for lab. god help me.

    Tuesday, August 24, 2010

    30% of couples met online according to Time

    i've thought as much about work in the past few days as i should've been thinking about it all summer.

    so i've decided to use post-it notes and put them around my head-side of the bed to remind me what i have to do otherwise i'll totally forget.

    to-do list for tomorrow:
    -get early start, which means go to bed soon
    -find ways to drink milk before its due date (i am drinking maxwell house instant chai tea latte right now-- so good!)
    -buy eggs, other forms of protein (maybe those pre-cooked chicken strips you can put into salad and also some turkey), redhot sauce (which people don't know is actually buffalo sauce, yum) to eat with non-recalled eggs, and random other foods for jason's birthday celebration
    -guilt trip parents into giving some of chobani yogurt stash. maybe just buy some of the strawberry kind since that's the best anyway
    -pack lunch
    -find bike lock holder thing and summon courage to take bike for a spin (but not tomorrow, no time)
    -mail Becca's Mad Men DVD back
    -go to work in Gilroy lab, fix problems with plants, read more of paper on aquaporins, become intelligent.

    Friday, August 20, 2010

    self-sabotage

    you know it well.

    as humans, we know what's best for us.

    for example, if i have a big test this thursday (i don't), i know it would behoove me to study. but instead, i often just procrastinate until i near the point of no return.
    why do i do this? maybe i like the drama.
    maybe the thought of improving my life or myself in some way summons in me a fear of change. maybe i fear that if i get what i want i'll miss something else, or somehow be unhappy.

    i'm kind of sick of this self-sabotage thing. too often do i look at life as a win-lose situation... i think that if i gain something, i inevitably lose something else.
    i don't know if that's necessarily true.

    lately i've just been in this spin where i waste all my time thinking and worrying about my problems and not doing anything (save a few runs) about it. so many things are fixed by taking the initiative, by focusing outward, by remembering the big picture. i'm always apologizing to people, but the person i really need to apologize to is myself. i can't think of life with this "oh what will they think of me" "oh am i doing this right?" mentality. i just have to figure things out by myself and instead of saying "sorry i made you have to do this," i should say, "thank you for doing this for me."

    i need to stop thinking about what i have to say and just say it sometimes. i need to feel rather than think.
    i can't just worry about whether or not i have what it takes to make someone care about me. i just have to be someone who i would want to care about.

    and who is that person?
    that is someone who is kind and selfless. someone who is courteous and gentle. someone who takes pleasure in simplicity, but appreciates and comprehends complexity. someone who sees beauty in roughness and reality. someone who is just friendly. someone who will do something even if the end-result is not clear. someone who is strong enough to ask for what they want. someone who sings to himself despite not knowing the words or the melody. someone who doesn't mind spending a day alone. someone who is innately curious. someone who reads. someone who believes that people are inherently good. someone who believes in love. someone who is content with waiting for what they want. someone who makes the most of things. someone who sees the value in others.

    i'm gonna work this new attitude.