Tuesday, November 09, 2004

By the way, this is just my opinion. I'm not trying to change anyone else's. I'm only venting, I'm not trying to preach or tell you who to be.
I guess I can't be surprised. I've put off writing this post for a long week. The election is over, most probably. This is the one week anniversary of the Election on November 2nd (this is also the anniversary of seeing Simple Plan live,). This has been one of the closest races ever, but Oh My GOD! Why did he have to win?!
I mean, of all the people who could've been our president, it had to be the Bush. I mean, it's heartbreaking to see that half of America is okay with everything he did and want more. When I found out, I was like, that's it, Armageddon is upon us.
I mean, I have nothing against him, (except the whole war thing and the bad leadership thing), I think he's a good person. But I feel like Bush is taking away all of our rights, and is not going to do well for this world. His war was unjustified, his laws are based mainly on his own religious beliefs, he's not letting people have the money they deserve, so the rich will be richer and the poor will become poorer.
I'm not ashamed to admit it, I cried. I mean, at the time I was so hyped up, thinking about John Kerry and all the good he would do and how he might actually do it right, and then it all crashed down as the reality settled in. George W. Bush won. George W. Bush is the most powerful man in the world.
A man who will not represent the entire population, just a percentage. I felt like the world was crashing down. I mean, what if I was someone else? What if I was dying of Parkinson's? What if I was raped and no one could prove it and pregnant? What if I was poor? What if I was old and couldn't take care of myself? What if I was in the army?
And only 17% of the youth even voted! I mean, they take so much for granted. I'm not a citizen and might not get to vote by the time I turn 18, because I wasn't born here. And those who can, just don't.

THANK YOU AMERICA. for showing me how smart you are.
We're just so proud, we don't realize the whole world hates us. It's so clear to the rest of the world, that we're going so wrong. When I was in India, the only thing anyone was talking about was how awful Bush's decisions were. Everyone laughs at us and no one knows.
It's so stupid. I mean, I've done nothing wrong, i've been a good kid, never stolen or intentionally hurt anyone, since I hit seventh grade, i swore off being mean unless provoked in the last week by said person, trying my best to take the high road and just avoid people I don't like and not associating with people who make me feel bad about myself or who disrespect me and have been nice enough to keep forgiving people who walk all over me because I'm too nice to hold a grudge for too long and want to avoid drama so that I just become a doormat, because I'm just the nice person who does stuff for people who don't notice and don't even care, who just expect it. Okay, where was I?
Yeah I'm not a bad person. I don't know any people I would call bad persons, so I'm thinking America is just filled with good people, some of which, make bad decisions, so how could this happen? I mean, I try so hard to think that the world is a good place to live in and that everything happens for a reason, leading to our ultimate good fate as long as we stay good people, but this makes me change my mind sooo much. i feel completely let down.
I mean PEOPLE ARE DYING in Iraq and India and Iran and basically every third world country, people are forever Judged on appearances, first impressions and no one believes that people are always changing, the people in power only help those who are in power, girls are raped, children are beaten and have to work 23 hours a day, while people are shoved into middle schools and high schools where no one understands them or take the time to listen and everyone is so damn selfish that they can't consider anyone but themselves(PG13). People are forgotten, music dies out, people's dreams are crushed, people go on with out being discovered, hearts break, there are no second chances, you can't go back, people abandon their families and drink all day or take drugs and end up accidentally hurting themselves. And it's not going to stop! Because our generation is doing the same things even earlier.
I'm so incredibly jaded. once again, thank you George Bush for being the tip of my iceberg.

Sunday, August 01, 2004

"No matter what happens, everything's always back to normal by the end of the episode." -Fry, Futurama

You know how on TV shows everything's normal and then when something happens the episode starts? Well, what is normal? I don't really think that normal is possible. Nothing's normal. I mean everyday we are different from what we were the day before, everyday filled with discovery and every moment unique. I mean how is it possible to be normal when normal is, according to dictionary.com,
according with, constituting, or not deviating from a norm, rule, or principle b : conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern, but when is there ever a regular pattern in life? I mean life is ever-changing, ever growing. There is always a different occurence, a different dialogue, nothing is ever constant or the same. If you think about anything, it's always changing... sure there's a regular routine, a
common pattern, but there are always parts that are being changed, parts that are staying the same. life is never normal.
I think that normality is an illusion.

Monday, July 26, 2004

She Will Be Loved 

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved
Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore
It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want
This is one of the sweetest songs I've ever heard. Plus it's got killer vocals and instrumental which makes this song basically perfect. Seriously this is the kind of song that makes me literally cry. And Maroon5 is just so real. The music has such a good sense of reality. And they're just so damn good at what they do. I don't know whether to hate them or to love them. They make the kind of music I'd love to be able to write and sing. I really admire them.

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

But yet I wish we were still that way. Chummy, nothing will tear us apart, forever friends. The good kind. I wish we could be the way we were before Information Technology and internet web sites made us stop seeing the good things about each other.
We let the people we would never want to be like anyway, dictate what we thought of each other.
So, if you don't hate me, I'd really like to start over and forget old arguments. It doesn't matter who was right or wrong. But from this moment, I call truce. And if you don't believe in that, please don't associate with me in blog. Thank you.
I hate this.
I have a friend, well used to have a friend who was always there to talk, would listen to me and value my opinions. She would be really supportive and listen to my never-ending babble. She sat with me and stood up for me and was always there for me. Well, she died. Not really, but she's not like that anymore.
Lately she's been really mad. Really short tempered with me. I don't want to be around her so much because all we ever do now is fight. She told me she hated me and that she was sick of me and ignored me when I was right there. Someone who used to stand up for me is starting to regard herself as an enemy.
I don't like it. I mean, your friends are your friends, regardless. But she isn't. She doesn't want to be.

Sunday, April 18, 2004

I'm supposed to be doing my Kumon. Kumon is math work that I'm always behind on. According to me, it's hell work for those who haven't "paid their dues." Mom wants me to get a good SAT score. OMG.
I know I'm going to get a good SAT score. I'm smart. I'll pull through. I don't need 2 weeks worth of 5 page, 30 minute packets crammed into a Sunday. I just don't need it. I have enough to do. But parents don't listen do they? It's for our own good, they say. If it was for my own good it would be fun or at least rewarding. But, alas it isn't. It's no reward to me if I'm acing third grade math.
I'd rather be in an Art class or a foreign language class. THat would at least be interesting.
I HATE KUMON!!! And this is coming from someone who loves math and enjoys doing the homework. I wouldn't mind it if I only had to do it every other day. But I don't have time to do it everyday. Weekends are busy and so are Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. I DON'T have time.

Friday, April 02, 2004

Today was my birthday. Tomorrow will just be another ordinary day. The first day of my new life. Because birthday parties are really a celebration of a new beginning and an honoring of a past.
I'm thirteen.

It's hard to think about.

I've been through so much in my 13th year, that it's strange to start the 14th. (When you turn one, you're actually starting your second one, so saying that you've completed a year of your life.) So many periods of growth and change.. Do you ever think of what would happen if you erased a year of you're life? How much would you lose? Thoughts, wonderings, experiences, friends... One thing I know is that I would never erase the past year. Over the time of being 12, I learned too much to just throw away. I changed my mind about a million times and became a different person than I have been. I've been depressed, I've been ecstatic and lonely and joyful... it's weird. But I liked it. I went through so many changes and stages that if I looked at my self two years ago and looked at me now, I'd be indistinguishable. I mean, I think I look alike, but so many things, other, have changed. I went through loss and understood what it felt like. I've been through wishing and longing. I've missed. I've been reborn. Enlightened am I after a year. I remember a year ago on this date. I was sleeping now, (it's 11:44) exhausted from a 36 hour day of planes and rides and sucky airplane food. I think that was one of the worst birthdays I'd ever had. I slept through most of my party with jet lag. But when I think about me now and me then... I'm a lot different. I'm not entirely different, I still have the same interests and hobbies. But things are different now.
There are people who were my friends then, who I'd never talk to now. Or people who I thought I could never talk to, who are my friends now. I can't think of how different my life would be without at least one experience or change. Even if I hadn't seen a certain TV show or been on the computer at a certain time. It's weird how people are always changing. You think you know them, but then they get a new idea or emotion. Then they're never the same. People are never the same. People will never be the same. Change is inevitable. You can't say that you don't miss the way things used to be. You can't not wonder about what would've happened if something had gone differently. Life is a circle. Or a web. Everything leads to another. It's infinite. Even if what you do doesn't have consequences for you, it does for someone else. Life is like a ripple. A wave that doesn't just sweep over you, but everyone around you or connected to you. Everyone who you might come across. You can't control it. It's just.. there.
It's my birthday. I'll never be 12 again. Being 12 is just a memory. Just wanted to express this in the last hour of my birthday. I'll never feel 12 again. I'm opening a new chapter, a new beginning in my life. Things will never be the same again. I'm thirteen and life will take me to new and different places. I'm thirteen.
C'est la vie.

11:50 pm

Saturday, February 07, 2004

Okay, you know when you make a huge mistake big time? I just did. I usually take pride that I'm kind and courteous to everyone I know and that I don't hold grudges... not since elementary. This doesn't mean I'm going to keep giving more chances out.
But today I went against my own principles. Something that really makes me mad at myself. Well there is a girl who is something of an outcast at our school. Last year, she went through a lot, but in the process she inadvertently made my life a living hell... She did this all in good intention. She was wrong in the way she treated my best friend, sometimes crying when my best friend wanted to hang out with me instead of her. She had no self esteem. She was also something of a joke to us...
I do admit that I was mean and sometimes downright cruel behind her back,(sometimes forgetting that she has feeling) but I should've known better, because I know how it feels to be treated that way. For that, I am truly sorry.
When she came back this year, it was apparent that she was trying to change. Most of it was improvement, because she no longer randomly bursts into tears and she manages to keep a smile on. But she has built up the annoying habit of hugging people, frankly, scaring them and very much disturbing me. It's just that, sometimes when she talks, it seems like she's trying to act cool but it isn't working. She comes across as desperate a lot of the time. She also has told my best friend and me that she likes our crushes, which basically bugs the hell out of me. With the above information before me, sometimes I tend to forget that she still has emotions, just that they aren't as apparent as they were last year. She has gone through a growth and earned acceptance, which I had failed to see.
I think I bugged her a lot today, thinking she wouldn't care. But I now see that I came across obnoxious. And she, never wanting to be deprived of something that someone else has, wanted an opportunity which she made a big deal of. I gave her one of my classic,"Oh my god" phrases and she got really irritated and told me that I'd been putting her down all day and she'd maintained a smile.
I saw at once how horrible it must've felt. And I'm really very sorry... I just wish I could take it back. But now I know not to stray from my principles and ruin someone's day.

Friday, January 23, 2004

I do have a private journal. It's not something I write in from day to day, because I would never be able to keep up. It's just something that I keep my feelings in. The kind I can't share with the world. Now, before you go rummaging through my things, I have to say that I don't have anything incriminating or anything remotely juicy in there. It's just that sometimes, I get very frustrated and I need to vent. I usually say things I don't mean when I vent, so to spare myself the indignity and the emotions of others, I write it down. I very rarely get angry. I believe that anger is a form of insanity, that all people should guard against. I mean, so many things were started with anger. I'm not talking about being pissed. I mean real anger. When you're to the point that you're going to bust with frustration and disappointment and fear. Wars, separations in countries, deaths, poverty.......
When I get angry I usually scream into a pillow and maybe write a song. But when I can't do that I grab my journal and write or sometimes just scribble and then I might write a poem. Well yesterday, I got angry. I mean really angry. I wasn't angry at anyone in particular. I was angry at the world. We are studying world hunger in Family and Consumer Ed (FACE). This is a very sensitive topic for me. I am from India and just recently, like last March, I was there. The poverty had a real effect on me. I can't bare to see people treated that way. When I'm in FACE and we have a discussion about this, I actually tremble and stutter. I've never trembled or stuttered in my life. I am very affected by this and I haven't been able to pay attention in my second period class because of it. But this isn't about me. It's about everyone else.
To me it seems like, everyone else doesn't really care. I mean, they care, but it doesn't truly matter to them. They walk out of the class talking about football, as if the class didn't just happen. As if they didn't just see young girls bawling over how they were so mistreated. It doesn't occur to them that those people in the video could just as easily be them.
I see a lot of people expressing how much they hate thinking about these things. How they wish they didn't have to learn this. Do they really think that all the teacher wants to do is depress them? The purpose is to spread awareness. Unless people know about these know about these things, they won't be able to do anything to prevent it.
When I was done venting, I wrote a poem about it. (It usually wraps it up nicely and allows me to think about something else.) I want to put it here, because this is the only place where it can be shown.

Why was I so Lucky?
That I never saw a parent die
I don't need to beg for money
I don't feel the need to cry

My body was never abused
My heart wasn't broken in two
I'm strong willed and I'm free
My life's lain out for me

Why was I so lucky?
I don't have a life threatening disease
I'm not afraid that I'll freeze
I'm not scared to know that some people know my name
I can be anything I want without any shame

There are people in this world who are afraid to laugh or cry
Afraid to tell their name
Afraid that they will die
Why was I so lucky, that I'm not one of them?
Some people take for granted, how easy life is for them..