Wednesday, March 07, 2012

gotta be green, gotta be mean, gotta be everything more

i've had a good outlook lately. i love myself when i'm like this -- rushing into the world with boundless positivity. every person to me is a vessel of vast potential put onto this earth to enact the intentions of the kind universe.

there are low moments, of course. for example, yesterday i spent 7 hours in my new lab. this is not because what i had to do took 7 hours, it's because i am slow and mediocre at doing stuff independently in lab at present. i was thus the last person to leave. my luciferase assay, which is supposed to be the easiest assay in the world, did not go so great (at all), but i guess it was my first time... i'm pretty sure i just pipetted stuff incorrectly. pipetting is hard, i don't care what you say. i always overthink it, redo it, and end up introducing bubbles where there didn't have to be. fail.

in general, i'm doing fine, but all of my work from previous weeks seems to still be making me mentally and physically tired, so i've been allowing myself to relax way more than i should in the small amount of time i have free. as a result, i end up staying up late relaxing and then being unproductive in my spare time the next day. i try to rationalize this by believing my free time is negligible, but it's not, oh well.

life right now is funny for me because it's the only time in ever where my primary motivation is me. i want to eat well/study well/work hard because i want me to do well. at this point, i'm no longer proving myself to the world, i'm proving myself to me.

this semester is about becoming better at handling things quickly, at harnessing my big-picture thinking just as much as i think critically, at making important practices (like reading papers, luciferase assays, being efficient about homework) second nature. it's about only stressing about over the stuff that i legitimately HAVE to stress over. it's about being flexible, and not fixating on things.

that's all i have time to say right now. peace out.