Monday, April 04, 2011

let me go

there's something oddly empowering about getting over something or someone. it's like the knot that clenched your heart together was loosened, and you could breathe freely again. there's something about being stuck in a phase that gets grating after a while. thinking the same thoughts, reviewing the same notes over and over again, memorizing everything back and forth, and not even being graded on how freaking well you have learned your subject. but then one day, you think through it all. you expel it all from your mind like you're taking a huge ass final, and after thinking it all through, you're like "meh. whatever." </poor metaphor that purports universality when this phenomenon probably applies only to me>

i am one of those people who perpetually enters and exits phases. no week is the same. every time i hit a phase i'm like "this is it! this is the one thing. this ends it all."

but then inevitably, i change my mind, i decide i'm not feeling it anymore after a couple of ruts, and then something else strikes my fancy.  i'm not trying to say i'm flighty, because i'm not.  it's just that being stuck in the same place for so long is unhealthy for me -- i want nothing less than i want stagnation.

oh by the way, i'm 20. i was a little over being 19, but it seems so strange to no longer be a teenager. now it seems that i'm old enough to read ladies' magazines like cosmo or vanity fair-- but i am probably not, since none of those articles apply to my generation, and they all spew this asinine pseudo-feminist dogma about how women are supposed to act that in fact just re-boxes them in, alongside advertisements for beauty products. 

i think i'm growing less and less afraid of taking matters into my own hands, and of making friends. i've become more honest with myself about the qualities i really enjoy in others - and although sometimes it is disillusioning to think that i haven't encountered yet that which i want to do, or haven't yet realized it, i think it's out there, and it seems that the more i acquaint myself with the system (that is- the world and what's out there), the smaller the gap is between my hypotheses and my knowledge.

but getting back to my original point, about getting over things...
it stresses me out that everyone seems to want to just know what they want to do, or like, who they want to marry right away. of course, yes, those are probably good things to want to know. but i feel that sometimes it's better just to bounce around (responsibly), and try many things on before settling on what's best for you. setting your heart on something that you won't get is stupid, and setting your heart on something you don't actually want is also stupid. i firmly believe that you have to know yourself well to know what you want, and most people at my age have only scratched the surface of themselves. (figuratively. but haha nevertheless).

so i guess the biggest revelation that came from turning 20 is the realization of my own youth... despite all my advances in knowledge, i am still not close to knowing what i really want.