Saturday, April 28, 2007

What do you do when you put all your eggs in one basket?

What do you do when you've spread yourself too thin?
Which one are you supposed to do?
Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
Don't focus your energy on too many things.
I've been told many a time, to do neither. I personally am a big fan of the first tidbit of advice, it makes sense, it works.
But what if your basket is so sturdy, that you naturally, over time, put your eggs in it, because you feel you can really trust it...?
And what if you can't see it, but your basket is really being infected with this icky mold stuff and by the time you realize it, it's already broken through the bottom and all your eggs are slowly crashing to the ground?
I have been one to stretch myself too thin. And sometimes, if my basket breaks, everything else falls too.
I put too much faith in people and baskets and all such things.
What if you'll still keep the basket, even if it's broken... what if you want to nurse it back to health?
but what if you can't? what if it's just beyond repair?
Life is not something I could begin to fathom, even if as a child, I truly believed that I could.
Life is not something I could qualitate, no matter how hard I've tried.
Because I've always believed that I could save someone, that I could help them, that I could fix them, that I could...
And I've always believed that if I cared enough...If I knew enough, I could save the world..
But the world has opinions of its own.

Friday, April 06, 2007

Self Help.

I really suck at getting my way. So I've decided...

Screw being nice.

Really. It's true. I want to be manipulative. Manipulative people always get what they want. They think of something, and they go out and get it.
Not because they deserve it, but because they really want it. They are ruthless.

I want to be ruthless.

I'm not kidding. I am so sick of being so nice that everyone feels like they can walk all over me.
I am so sick of being too modest. I am sick of being underestimated.
Because you know what?

i am damn good at what everything i do.

and I'm kind of sick of pretending I don't know it. My sister always told me to not parade my goodness, to let people figure it out for themselves.
But I don't trust other people that much anymore. I am going to shove my awesomeness down other people's throats from now on. And they're going to like it. I'm going to sing loudly when I want to, I am going to answer questions, I am going to act like I'm as smart as I am, and I'm going to stop downplaying my successes by acting like it was easy or acting like I didn't deserve it.

Because I do deserve it. I work damn hard, and I'm proud of it.
I'm incredible, I know it, and I want everyone else to know as well. I've decided.

Why am I so incredible, you ask?
  • I am smart... which means a lot of things.
  • I have much knowledge. I know a little bit about almost everything, I can have not only lazy fun discussion, but dazzingly intellectual banter.
  • I'm funny and you know it.
  • I'm an excellent conversationalist.
  • I am an excellent listener.
  • I'm a good friend to the point where it's not good for me.
  • I can sing in natural tune and natural pitch and I don't falter or sing off-key, ever.
  • I am kind and always honest.
  • I have a good speaking voice. Not only am I very articulate, I have good diction, and I have a pleasant tone, and I can speak loudly when I need to.
  • I have a good voice, otherwise, for instance, when I am writing. You can hear my voice in your head, can't you? I know what words to say to express my emotions, and I am very eloquent.
  • I can harmonize like a fiend.
  • I am friendly, and always willing to talk to anyone.
  • I care about people, and their problems. I give very good advice in a very non-condescending way.
  • I am observant. I see people for what they are, not for what they appear to be.
  • I am introspective.
  • I am a good kisser.
  • I have expressive eyes and nice skin. Also, I'm curvy in a sometimes good way, and my eyes are a nice color and I always smell good and my skin is soft and my nose is very unintimidating.
  • I'm good at impersonations (like impressions). They're funny.
  • I write really good poetry and in short amounts of time. It sounds good and it's meaningful.
  • And I write good speeches, and okay short stories and meaningful prose and funny IMs and long eloquent emails and touching hand drawn birthday cards.
  • I rock at making mixed CDs.
  • I'm very generous and don't ask much in return.
  • I don't give up on people.
  • I have a very powerful singing voice, not only because it is loud, or because it has a really good supported tone, and not even because it has personality, but because there is passion behind the words that I sing. Because everytime I really sing, I really feel it.
  • I'm not really all that methodical, but I'm good.
  • I'm impulsive in a good way.
  • I'm a good debater.
  • I'm very emotional, in a strong passionate kind of way.
  • I can write good songs.
  • I can draw pretty well.
  • I have nice handwriting.
  • I rock English essays.
  • I can make people comfortable easily.
  • I think a lot. And a lot of the time that's a good thing.
  • I am good at speaking impromptu, singing impromptu and generally sounding like I know what I'm talking about.
  • I am a good actress.
  • I have a sense about music. I know what's right, I know what's wrong, I know if something's in the right key, I know what sounds right.
  • I'm really practical too.
  • I have a sense about people. I can see through past appearances and I have a good eye for knowing what's going on with someone. I know what people want, and I know why people are the way they are.
  • I have an analytical mind, and I organize ideas well.
  • I work really well under pressure.
  • I dress well. Not like everyone else. Most everything I wear is an artistic expression, because I love color and I love looking good.
  • My room is pink. :)
  • I have a song lyric database in my head.
  • I know a lot about music, a lot about music history, albums, bands. Chances are, I've heard of it.
  • I'm good at concepts.
  • I'm not afraid to say what I am thinking.
  • I care. More than anything, I care, too much.
  • I love other people, and I love life for what it is.
  • I love.

But above all that, I deserve more than how I let others treat me.