Saturday, February 07, 2004

Okay, you know when you make a huge mistake big time? I just did. I usually take pride that I'm kind and courteous to everyone I know and that I don't hold grudges... not since elementary. This doesn't mean I'm going to keep giving more chances out.
But today I went against my own principles. Something that really makes me mad at myself. Well there is a girl who is something of an outcast at our school. Last year, she went through a lot, but in the process she inadvertently made my life a living hell... She did this all in good intention. She was wrong in the way she treated my best friend, sometimes crying when my best friend wanted to hang out with me instead of her. She had no self esteem. She was also something of a joke to us...
I do admit that I was mean and sometimes downright cruel behind her back,(sometimes forgetting that she has feeling) but I should've known better, because I know how it feels to be treated that way. For that, I am truly sorry.
When she came back this year, it was apparent that she was trying to change. Most of it was improvement, because she no longer randomly bursts into tears and she manages to keep a smile on. But she has built up the annoying habit of hugging people, frankly, scaring them and very much disturbing me. It's just that, sometimes when she talks, it seems like she's trying to act cool but it isn't working. She comes across as desperate a lot of the time. She also has told my best friend and me that she likes our crushes, which basically bugs the hell out of me. With the above information before me, sometimes I tend to forget that she still has emotions, just that they aren't as apparent as they were last year. She has gone through a growth and earned acceptance, which I had failed to see.
I think I bugged her a lot today, thinking she wouldn't care. But I now see that I came across obnoxious. And she, never wanting to be deprived of something that someone else has, wanted an opportunity which she made a big deal of. I gave her one of my classic,"Oh my god" phrases and she got really irritated and told me that I'd been putting her down all day and she'd maintained a smile.
I saw at once how horrible it must've felt. And I'm really very sorry... I just wish I could take it back. But now I know not to stray from my principles and ruin someone's day.