Friday, October 10, 2003


The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla proof that i'm not the only one who thinks i see things that others don't.
12:30 You know, you think you know someone. But then they say or do something seriously unpredictable. There really is more to people than meets the eye.
You go around thinking, They'll never know how I feel. They've never been through this. or you might even think something egotistical. I'm probably the wisest person in this place, because I've been through a lot. Sometimes it might be true. Maybe you are the wisest person in the room. Or maybe they'll never know what you feel like.
You never really stop to think about other peoples' lives. You automatically assume that they're nothing like you or unable to relate. That they've never been through pain. You look at someone from the outside and judge them on the way they act towards you. On the way they look and act right now.
I bet if everyone knew everyone's ulterior motives, they wouldn't think that what they did is so bad.
That's why it really hurts me when someone says, "I've been through a lot more than you have," or "You couldn't possibly know how I feel." How do you know?
Everyone has a past. Everyone has been through pain. It may be the pain of being made fun of for something you can't control. It could be that a loved-one died.
A point that someone made to me was,"You've never had anyone blood-related to you die," What does blood mean, anyway? Why should I have to be blood-related to someone to feel pain if they're gone? I love someone because of who they are and what they do. Not because of their relation.
Today, my friends were depressed because of their lost grandfathers. They kept telling me how I couldn't relate because I haven't lost a grandfather. But I have. He may be alive, but he's not the grandfather I used to have.
My grandfather has a degenerative illness. Most of my family thinks he's depressed. And no one hates it more than I do. I want the grandfather I can talk to and love. Not the grandfather who sits at home all day in bed and fusses whenever someone leaves the house and never goes outside. I think that's just a little bit more painful than having a wonderful grandfather just die. My grandfather used to be wonderful. But now he's in a vegetable state. And everyday, I hope and pray that he'll get better and be happy again. I feel so left out that everyone else has their dad's dad talk to you about what he was like when he was a kid and read you stories. And play with you. But I never had that. I kind of wish that he had died earlier, but had his right state of mind. Then, at least I would have some memories with him.
I wish I could've known him. I wish I could have an intelligent conversation with him and known what he was like. I knew he was a wonderful person. I've listened to tapes of him before he got sick.
Before he got sick. He was a wonderful person before he got sick. He used to chase after my sister on her bike. He didn't know me as me. He knew the little darling baby. "You really have to send us some tapes of our little darling, Aarushi singing. She has such a lovely voice." I heard that on the tape. He also mentioned something about my Dadi (dad's mom) writing her own music and him accompanying her and maybe representing her in a few years. In a few years he got sick.
It just kills me that he had imagined a happy life and ended up in bed. Isolated at home. I just wish it hadn't happened. I mean why him? Why me? I can ask that question forever, but he'll never be the same..

Saturday, October 04, 2003

Here I am. I just super-surfed the internet while i was supposed to be researching common houseflies. Forgive me god. It is now 12:00 pm and I have no idea how it became that way. Time flies.
I just wanted to clarify something. I don't hate preps (and/or conformists depending on the situation). I just hate what they represent. I mean I've observed them.
Around the opposite sex they're very very disgustingly flirty. And I cannot stand that. I'm not antisocial and I have be known to flirt. But flirting is like a job for them. And the way they act is really pretensious. There life has no meaning. They just exist, day-by-day. It's all about routine and the gossip and I'm going out with this guy right now but I'm gonna break up with him within the next week. I mean they never truly know each other, because they don't show their true feelings and opinions. I say the word "adept" to a prep and they say "English please!"
I hate how they judge people. They say one word to someone and have a formed opinion. And I've noticed that most preps are the "more attractive" individuals. I've heard them judging others.
To the untrained eye, preps seem like an amazing group of gifted people. How did they get there? Why were they so blessed? I wish I could be like them! But to become "one of them" you have to agree with the group. If you go against the system, you're out. You upset one person. You upset everyone.
I really hate the fact that they automatically go against diversity. I'm not talking about racial diversity. I'm talking about individual diversity. Like they go against me, because I'm different. There are people who I've never said more than two words to talking behind my back. And they call themselves human.
They (speaking in general;there are exceptions) think that just because someone is mean to them, they can be mean right back. They think that just because someone does something differently or looks a certain way gives them license to ridicule. Like take this girl lets just call her uh, J. She is really depressed because she has no friends. They think that because she has occasional emotional melt-downs that they can insult her looks. And do pranks on her. And call her names. And purposely try and make her mad. Do they have any compassion?
And lastly, (because I have to go to bed) they don't see themselves. They don't see how they act. So when they get in trouble for their actions, they blame it on someone else. No, it's the teacher that's mean. Take this guy named well for this purpose, Stuart D. Now Stuart talks in class. I'm talking major disruptions. All the time. He gets about 20 warnings per class period, until finally, poor teacher gives up and hands him a detention. Then he gets all pissy at the teacher. I mean feel bad for the teacher here. I know Stuart was trying to impress people, by being unbearably stupid, but there are other ways.
Sorry for the misspelling and punctuation and grammar errors. It's late and I'm tired.