Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Late Night Adventures

I live in a new neighborhood now. Everything about it is new. My house, the people, the parks. They're all only about 5 years out of mint condition. I've acquired new things that I didn't expect from this neighborhood, a bus pass, a special friend, a new appreciation for wide roads and a fetish for cutesy road names like "Shadow Wood", "Eagle Wood",and so on and so forth.

Today, while exploring the neighborhood, me and my boyfriend and my little brother and his little sister were at one of the parks. I had the best time. The sun was setting and it was pretty and we walked home the long way, partially because we were lost. While the sun was setting my dad called my phone and I said we'd be home soon.
I went home and had little homework done by midnight. (when you have a long list, and the assignments take like 3 hours each... it can get difficult..) So I was just about to set my alarms and then I realized I couldn't find my cell phone. I called it incessantly. I asked my mother where it was (yeah, she was on the couch at 1 in the morning half asleep) and she had no clue. I asked my dad who also was similarly bewildered.
So we went out into the middle of the night, around our dark neighborhood with a flashlight. I, at first, tried to do the stupid thing and retrace all my steps backward from the park. My dad, using a lot of profane language, suggested we head straight to the park, while giving me lecture #741 which consists of "I can't believe you would do this... No regard... Absent minded... you don't ever think".. The park that I went to is hidden behind a grassy hill, so it took us forever to locate it.
And then I had a vague memory of Annie asking to use it on the way home, and me pulling it out. So I told my dad, after we had walked through the park that I was sure I dropped it walking home. But then my dad insisted that he had heard some kind of chemical beep that only comes from a missed call on our intrusive cellphones. We called the phone and I heard the faintest tones of "New Slang" by the Shins and I almost still believed that it must be on a sidewalk in the near distance, but then he called again and I walked further into the grass. I heard it louder. It was almost eerie. (It was 1:15: everything's eerie at 1:15) We went back to where we had just been, but thanks to the sound of my very distinctive ringtone that I had kept on Loud because I'm prepared for these types of situations, we found it right there by the wall where we'd just looked, but the gosh darn cellphone is black, so you'd never be able to tell.
We were both excited at how cool that was. I'm really happy that I live in a neighborhood where the parks are abandoned after 8 o'clock. I'm glad my cell phone didn't die or anything out in the cold. But my dad insisted on saying "I told you so," and "You were going to make us retrace all your steps" and "Why is it that common sense is so uncommon?" I protested by telling my father that it's a little harder to think on your feet when your dad is lecturing, and he shot me down saying that I should be able to channel out his lectures.
And because of this, I know there's life outside homework at 1AM. Although I still have 2 more assignments to complete. :P

Monday, May 22, 2006

My back really hurts. I hate when I fall asleep on the couch.
I never fall asleep in some place comfortable. I don't even pick the comfortable couch. I always fall asleep on the short couch, where in order to be comfortable, you have to rest your knees on the armrest and then you wake up and you're aching all over and your back in a funny position and you're like, "What the fuck? Why didn't I pick the comfortable couch? Why didn't I walk up the stairs and go to sleep in my bed? I'm so going to do that next time." But of course, you never do, because at the moment, it's the uncomfortable couch that you involuntarily succumb to. At that moment, you get a flicker of reason, but the sleep is too loud to re-assess your decision. People should never be expected to make decisions when they're tired.

I actually read somewhere that you should never make a decision when you're lying down, because that's when you're most vulnerable and likely to make a decision you'll regret. It's scary but it's actually true. My thoughts so easily shift into the gutter or into a perplexed fantasy state if I'm lying down and trying to figure out what to do. Everything seems so simple when you're lying down... kind of lke you're looking up at the whole world. And so you make all of these ingenius plans... and then you fall asleep. And everything you thought of seems so stupid upon reflection. Sometimes I think that that's just me, tricking myself into believing that my ideas are ludicrous after I conceive them. Because as soon as I stand up, passive aggressive Rushi kicks in. And all of my me-related thoughts get kicked out.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

"You'll never truly understand a person until you climb into their skin and walk around a little." -Atticus Finch

Yeah, okay. thanks. I get it now.

I played "Scar Tissue" on the piano. I was bored. My sister's whining. We were supposed to go to the mall. geez.

Monday, May 08, 2006

I think I'm seriously considering getting psychological help.

Today I cried over my bed.
Well actually over my room. I don't know why.
We've recently moved into a new house. This is everything that we've been working towards for the past 2 years. My parents have been obsessed with my new house, always stressed out, always burdened by finances. And now we finally live here.
We still have to pay two mortgages until our other house gets sold.
But yeah. I had to move school districts in September and start going to Memorial High School, which, yeah, was an adjustment.
I'm pretty much in my routine and have made friends, and all that jazz, but...I don't know.
I feel like I don't know myself at all anymore. I used to be so completely sure of myself all the time. Now I'm uncertain and unconfident and I have about 50 inferiority complexes and I'm passive aggressive and I've discovered that I actually do things subconsciously to make myself fail.

and so, today... the third or so day that i'm spending the night at my new house.. my dad tried to move my bed.
I've been sleeping right next to a window, which my mother has been complaining about because she's had disturbing dreams about people falling out of windows and my dad came to my room unannounced, and yeah, I haven't even done my homework yet and he just came in, upsetting my peace and went, "We have to move your bed." and then he put it at this ridiculous diagonal and I can't even think in my room in the first place and I don't know why, I got sooo angry. I made him go away and close the door and moved my bed back against the wall and moved my shelf to the other side of the room and moved my boom box.
I was overcome by this feeling of being overwhelmed by life. And whenever I feel overwhelmed or freaked out, I have no idea where to turn or what I'm even talking about anymore. I feel so unsafe and like I can't reach anyone who'll make me feel secure. One person, all year, has made me feel secure... but that completely backfired and... I don't think I'll ever be completely safe again. And I keep analyzing myself and feeling unable to do anything I don't feel like doing or even talk to people who I like. I'm not depressed or anything... I'm just anxious.
And I'm really sick of dealing with it myself. I feel like I might implode. I really really want to be psychoanalyzed..because I'd really like to know how to fix myself.