Sunday, April 18, 2004

I'm supposed to be doing my Kumon. Kumon is math work that I'm always behind on. According to me, it's hell work for those who haven't "paid their dues." Mom wants me to get a good SAT score. OMG.
I know I'm going to get a good SAT score. I'm smart. I'll pull through. I don't need 2 weeks worth of 5 page, 30 minute packets crammed into a Sunday. I just don't need it. I have enough to do. But parents don't listen do they? It's for our own good, they say. If it was for my own good it would be fun or at least rewarding. But, alas it isn't. It's no reward to me if I'm acing third grade math.
I'd rather be in an Art class or a foreign language class. THat would at least be interesting.
I HATE KUMON!!! And this is coming from someone who loves math and enjoys doing the homework. I wouldn't mind it if I only had to do it every other day. But I don't have time to do it everyday. Weekends are busy and so are Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. I DON'T have time.

Friday, April 02, 2004

Today was my birthday. Tomorrow will just be another ordinary day. The first day of my new life. Because birthday parties are really a celebration of a new beginning and an honoring of a past.
I'm thirteen.

It's hard to think about.

I've been through so much in my 13th year, that it's strange to start the 14th. (When you turn one, you're actually starting your second one, so saying that you've completed a year of your life.) So many periods of growth and change.. Do you ever think of what would happen if you erased a year of you're life? How much would you lose? Thoughts, wonderings, experiences, friends... One thing I know is that I would never erase the past year. Over the time of being 12, I learned too much to just throw away. I changed my mind about a million times and became a different person than I have been. I've been depressed, I've been ecstatic and lonely and joyful... it's weird. But I liked it. I went through so many changes and stages that if I looked at my self two years ago and looked at me now, I'd be indistinguishable. I mean, I think I look alike, but so many things, other, have changed. I went through loss and understood what it felt like. I've been through wishing and longing. I've missed. I've been reborn. Enlightened am I after a year. I remember a year ago on this date. I was sleeping now, (it's 11:44) exhausted from a 36 hour day of planes and rides and sucky airplane food. I think that was one of the worst birthdays I'd ever had. I slept through most of my party with jet lag. But when I think about me now and me then... I'm a lot different. I'm not entirely different, I still have the same interests and hobbies. But things are different now.
There are people who were my friends then, who I'd never talk to now. Or people who I thought I could never talk to, who are my friends now. I can't think of how different my life would be without at least one experience or change. Even if I hadn't seen a certain TV show or been on the computer at a certain time. It's weird how people are always changing. You think you know them, but then they get a new idea or emotion. Then they're never the same. People are never the same. People will never be the same. Change is inevitable. You can't say that you don't miss the way things used to be. You can't not wonder about what would've happened if something had gone differently. Life is a circle. Or a web. Everything leads to another. It's infinite. Even if what you do doesn't have consequences for you, it does for someone else. Life is like a ripple. A wave that doesn't just sweep over you, but everyone around you or connected to you. Everyone who you might come across. You can't control it. It's just.. there.
It's my birthday. I'll never be 12 again. Being 12 is just a memory. Just wanted to express this in the last hour of my birthday. I'll never feel 12 again. I'm opening a new chapter, a new beginning in my life. Things will never be the same again. I'm thirteen and life will take me to new and different places. I'm thirteen.
C'est la vie.

11:50 pm