Life, as of late, has become too much of a chore to live. Though I try as hard as I might to find some meaning in every day, to figure out what to do next, and to revel in my personal problems, and to keep doing things that I love... it all boils down to a question, "For what?"
Lately, my life has just been a quest to keep myself entertained. This is probably because my recent social structure and way of life has been shaken off of its hinges. And I have no idea what to do now. So I am reverting back to an old precedent, set back in the days of Core Knowledge Charter School... Just focus on school.
This proves to be a lot more difficult than planned as it is a stressful topic, to say the least. I'm so so so afraid of my future, and what I'm going to do with my life. Suddenly it feels as if I'm expected to get a career tomorrow.. and I don't know whether to be a journalist or a psychoanalyst or a musician. Music-wise I am unsure. I have to pick a genre. I'm too eclectic for my own damn good. I mean, sure, fine. I pick rock. But rock itself is divided into millions of sub categories, and do I like Classic better? Or do I like Modern? And what about my parents and what they like? They hate modern rock. I think.
And journalism is so tough. And everyone wants to be a journalist, and who am I to think I'm better than anyone else?
And I'm not completely sure what a psychoanalyst is. I mean, they analyze and that's what I'm good at I guess.
My dad wants me to be a doctor along with the entire rest of the Indian population plus all the people who are projecting things for the years to come. There are not enough people being trained for medical professions and there will soon be a demand for people who are qualified to fill them, so therefore, the doctor salary will go up. My father says that if I wish to be comfortable in the coming shaky years, I should really go into medicine as it is a noble profession that would require all my skills. And the crazy thing is, it doesn't seem to be such a bad idea. He makes it seem like they need me.
But in order to even think of my future, I need to be getting good grades so I can get into good classes. But I'm living on a prayer in geometry. All these classes are so interesting that will benefit me like, Efficient Reading, and Medical Occupations and Math Chemistry and English TAG but I'm scared to death that I'll have no life or no time to deal with any of it.
Geometry is so scary. I just keep dreaming of right triangles... a squared plus b squared equals c squared. and then I start doing a squared multiplied by b squared= c squared. and that's wrong. but my mind is so fried on everything, everything, everything. it just.. never stops. I always have some kind of Geometry to do and it just nags at me.. and makes me feel bad. And I can never really pinpoint the problem, because I can always partially understand what's going on. It's just.. I fall short in some place. And I don't know where. And there's no one willing to commit time to help me.. and it seems too big of an effort to get a school tutor, as I'll have to go meet them and they'll teach me the things I understand over and over and over and the things I don't get, which are more subtle, will fall at the wayside, and it won't help my grade any....
and every time I wake up from a right triangle dream, I don't want to, because then I realize I have to do Geometry. And my mind is just a maze of shapes and numbers and theorums and formulas and slopes...
and I want out. now.

Life is funny.
I can't really say why. But it does the weirdest most unexpected things to you. And you don't know why and you're like, well.. there's nothing i can do, so whatever. Just react or don't react.

But everything happens for a reason, and you figure out reasons eventually. right?

Boys are weirdd.

I have the best father in the world.
He's so brave. He can watch his own father die... Declare him to be medically dead and break it to the rest of his family. He could clean up his own father's body and make funeral arrangements. He's just so calm. He's not depressed over his death.. He knew it was time. I don't know how he does it.

I always think that it's stupid to fall in love and allow someone to have so much control over your life. and yes, i know i'm silly and naive. because, someone else pretty much has the control right now.

I can't bring myselves to pity people who had a chance at getting something they always wanted and don't reach out and grab it when they can. Heh, their loss.
Especially when opportunity is jumping up and down, waving frantically and calling out at them. They had their chance. Too bad.

i'm so stupid.
i have no idea what to do with myself.
i feel like i should tell people, but i don't want it to seem like I want their pity.
but i'm sad.
and i keep trying to call India and the number to call India starts with (011) 9111.. and then the police stopped by our house.. but luckily they weren't mad when I explained it.
I'm such a horrible person...
and like,
ugh.
it makes me sound totally emo or selfpitying when i keep talking about myself.
I mean, what right have I to be sad?

but really, all i want is for someone to be there telling me it's okay.
but no one really wants to be
and i don't want to bug anyone
or be needy.

i absolutely hate this.
i want it to be yesterday again.
i don't feel up to doing anything...
i can't sleep.
i don't know how not to be unhappy.
it's like... this achey feeling. and it won't go away. and i just want to roll over and fall asleep and not wake up for a long time...
but i know i'm going to have to go to school tomorrow. i'm going to have to be happy.
and show off my expert resilience.
and deal with those bitchy kids in health class and my scary geometry and take notes in History...
but i can't.

......I guess you could say, my grandpa died.

Yeah. Um. yeah....

My Dada, my dad's dad, died.. like 2 hours ago.
I don't really kow what to do with myself.
It's not as if we were ever close... it's just that... I always wanted to be. I always thought we should be, if not for his stupid.. whatthefuck was it.. degenerative brain illness.
ugh.

it's just like, he's been dying my whole life, slowly... it's been hurting all of those around him, and he's not been himself for at least 10 or 15 years. but all this time, i've known he'd been dying, but i never thought he would actually,...die.

It's stupid I know. but i still thought that like... I don't know. Like I always kind of had this wish that he could get better.
And I don't know.... like, I never really knew him. He was the once brilliant grandfather.. but I only knew him to be sick, in bed, distant.

Over the past year, my dad visited India like 2 times... because his state had been worsening. He'd been getting worse and worse, forgetting how to swallow, moving his food tubes around, getting skinnier and skinnier...
And uh, he went to India yesterday...
but then.. today, just after my guitar lesson, I was complaining about Karen and how my teacher keeps telling me we haven't paid when we have, and my mom said, "Papa has reached." and I was like, "Oh cool! So, do you want to go to Qdoba?"
and then she says that he called her about an hour ago.. to let her know that my dad woke up in the middle of the night and came to see if my Dada needed anything... and then.. he died... he was asleep. and.. it was peaceful.. it was one breath.

and I don't know.. I felt so stupid.
Like... I don't know..
And then, I, well, like, my brother
he..we picked him up from karate.. and he didn't even know yet. and he was happy. and then my parents' friends were there.. and I was in tears and
i don't know.
It just hurt, you know?
For everyone. My dad, especially.

I mean, I realized that I'd been the worst daughter in the world. Every single time I was disrespectful.. I mean, my dad lost his dad.
I couldn't even deal with a week of separation from mine.
I don't know.
I just don't know.

And for all the family members, for my grandmother...
for them all, it's a relief, sort of, they'd been taking care of him for so long.
But he hasn't been himself.
I don't know.

Random Pictures that Don't make me Look Ugly

Just because I was bored.










nobody does it like she does.
post-self improvement haircut picture in a badly lit bathroom.







it's a nice day to start again.

deep eyes... deep thinker shot. pre concert.














& she's buying a stairway to heaven

another bathroom picture of me and cassie being bestestest friends.












i'm not smiling behind these fake veneers
funny story. i used to wear glasses
until i lost them.











i'm trying to find out if my words have any meaning..

i dont know, i just like my earrings in this picture.my nose is gigantic.
















i found a fatal flaw
in the logic of love
i sort of like this one









you could have it so much better.
this picture is funny looking & emoish.









tell me a story, i know you're not boring.
& the new strokes CD is out.












do you feel the same, or am i only dreaming?

or is this burning an eternal flame?

2005. BEST. YEAR. EVER.
All the good things that Happened in O5.


1. So like, Classes.
I came back from a blissful, Gilmore Girls filled break to find that, all of my classes had been switched. I was in complete and utter shock. But soon, I grew to love my lack of a friendly environment. It wasn't as if people were mean, anyway.. they were just never people that I hung out with. I had a friend in 2 of my classes. But the new people allowed me to branch outwards and actually know about people besides my own friends who kind of had their heads stuck in their own clouds.
I made sort of friends.. or at least peace, with a lot of people.. and realized that they weren't half bad.

2. The Musical Renaissance
I guess it came around the New Year. That year's New Year was actually a good one for resolutions. I made like a million resolutions, a lot of which, I didn't keep, but those that I did, were the best changes I've ever made. Because I changed so much. So after a while.. maybe after I started watching Gilmore Girls and stopped listening to the radio, I realized that the music that I'd been listening to, didn't do much for me at all. It didn't make me happy or lighten my mood. But I knew that there was music that I knew that kept me happy... for example, I liked Rooney, Queen, The Beatles, Franz Ferdinand, Bright Eyes, the Shins, Jamie Cullum, the Strokes and random bands I had heard and loved, even though they weren't exactly mainstream... but that year, I figured, to hell with the mainstream... I wanted to find the music that made me happy... and it was easier than I thought... as soon as I came across a lovely internet program called... Limewire... that allowed me to listen to music that I actually like. Finally this year, I was able to locate the music that had been beating underneath my skin, for so many years.

3. Ah, the birth of the bean.
It was this year that I truly became addicted to coffee. See, I was always unable to sleep at night.. I mean, even now, it's like 2:33 AM. I had severe insomnia.. and am still chronically sleep deprived. In 8th grade, this was a problem, considering the fact that being a fully fledged teenager who had to stay up late for these truly dreadful history tests that the best teacher ever set, well, you had to stay up late and study and be exhausted the whole rest of the day, because your test was first period. I used to use Altoids to keep me alive, but this didn't work so well, and I found myself falling ill. Probably near the end of 2004, I began drinking coffee steadily... just to wake up in the morning.. I needed it. But I became dependant on it after I began to use it on days when I didn't get any sleep... or I would binge at night before staying up late...
I guess you could say I hit rock bottom when I was spotted smuggling coffeegrounds to school in a plastic bag and drinking them down with water... my friend Mary kindly confiscated them... but really..
I'd have to say coffee was a good addition, because it allowed me to go without sleep and still be alive... although, now without coffee, I'm pretty much crazy.

4. Oh well, whatever. Nevermind.
Nothing like a good infatuation to screw with your mind in 8th grade... and that's just what I had... it was very painful. But it was a breath of fresh air from being prospect-less all the time prior. It sucked though.

5. So, so you think you can spell...
I fulfilled my destiny in winning the school spelling bee and landing in like 5th or something at the regionals... I seriously learned how much I truly hated spelling, especially out loud. I pretty much threw the regionals... even though I know how to spell gerrymandering. Cuz, um, I never wanted to spell ever again...but, don't tell my parents that.

6. As we go on, we remember..
I would have to say, one of the most sad, yet amazing moments this year was promotion...
In 8th grade, in Verona, they always have this really luxe graduation ceremony that everyone prepares for all year.. Girls talk about and buy their dresses the summer before 8th grade and everyone freaks out over the farewell dance...
well, being the procrastinator that I have the misfortune to be, I didn't buy a dress until the weekend before the Farewell Dance. But I suppose I didn't much care for the dance anyway.
It was nice... it gave me some closure on that infatuation thing... and well, it broke one of my best friends hearts for a good long while. Ah well.
The real event came with promotion... it was so surreal before that.. it seemed like a big joke that I would be leaving Verona.. I would be leaving all the people that I'd grown up with, but I had to realize it.. and I realized that it was for the best, because every change that has happened in my life, has changed it for the better. I was giving a speech at promotion, although, I didn't know what I would say.. it was like, some big deal to me, to tell everyone goodbye.. to see them off, to wish them luck. Promotion is just a big blur to me.. it was amazing.. and strange and filled with.. moments.
Like, when I said my speech, and like, I don't know, people crying.. When I got my "middle school completion certificate". And the whole time, I didn't shed a single tear, I just sat their shaking my leg... shivering in that cold room..
and then..it was over.
And I was just like, standing up... and all my friends rushed over and hugged me... and then Sarah hugged me and cried like, "I'M GONNA MISS YOU SO MUCH"... and I don't know how, but that just... well
I was pretty much waterworks after that. And Sarah started to cry... and Mary started to cry and Cassie cried... and we have all these pictures of all of us with our makeup running everywhere.. and trust me.. i looked disgusting.
Later, me and Sarah went to Coldstone. And then we all went to the Promotion Party thing at the HighSchool and got this big ass group pic of all of us.

7.The District Sleeps Alone Tonight
The summer of memories kicked off on the Washington DC trip, which was sort of a blast, besides the fact that 2 of my friends were told by my father to run interference and not let me drink coffee... a statement which they took all too seriously. It was amazing though, seeing all those monuments with some of my best friends. I totally spent all of the 70 dollars I was given... We got these majorly weird food coupons, that redeemed food, so I always got Indian food, because I missed my home.. Not too much happened other than that.. just a lot of reflection and a lot of giggles.

8. Skies may not always be blue.. but One thing is clear as can be.
It was that time again. That CTM time. Oh yes. It was clear as day that this would be the biggest, bombest, raunchiest CTM ever. This might have possibly been due to the format change from Punk to Classic Rock. Or perhaps because we had a new director by the name of Andy, who had all this new wave "type" stuff going on... or the fact that I was not the only one this year with an ...(drumroll please) iPod.
Or maybe it was because we all knew eachother. Or some kind of bizarre twist in the space time continuum which placed Sierra into my summer life. Well, I guess I always knew that she'd follow me into my new world.
Basically, one of the cool things that happened, was that I, yes, little old Indian loudmouth, me, got a lead role.. which was actually quite nice considering the lines were like 15% en Francais and 100% in a French accent... and I got a song... which is redemption for all the money my parents have spent sending me to drama school all these years.
Plus there was like a new cast of fresh hotties and a very delectable set of new interns (including LorettaMaretta, who me and Allie just always forgot whether her name was either one).
and of course.. there was that little time when we met Rachel Bilson & Zach Braff. And um, yeah, those were totally my pictures that they put in the press release. Thanks for asking.
That show was pretty much lots and lots of fun, with a little bit of drama, a little bit of mischief... tossed in. you know. To keep the egos happy.

9. Let the good times roll.
This was the summer of dreams... the summer of music. the summer of no love whatsoever. The summer of finding our ways around state street... of buying the new harry potter book, the second it came out. Of finishing that Harry Potter book within a day of buying it... and doing water aerobics classes to socialize with old people... of going to State Street every Friday and dreaming about the man at the record store... of taking pictures no end and photoshopping them to make them look pretty. Of staying up late on AIM, and having your friend send you a whole Interpol album, of trying and failing to find a job... of discovering my psychological need for Pink Floyd and starting to play the guitar. Of practicing with my cute faux-band and taking our show on the road, all the way to Green Lake... and paying our groupies in cookies, and stopping at IHOP at 11 pm and making friends with the staff and the guy who sits behind us... of taking a good hard look at the selves we are or used to be... and accepting and being open to change... of being young.. of living... I pretty much had a kick ass summer.

10. And if the answer is no, can I change your mind?
Starting school... was... I have no idea how to describe it.. I guess you could say.. Memorial was an adjustment. A huge one. Like... only now, am I slightly sure of my presence there, and my sense of belonging. When I first got here, it was just .. all very big. And I guess it takes me a long while to orient myself.. shake myself out of my agoraphobia and meeting people. At first, I was like, "HOLY SHIT. IT'S A FUCKING HUMAN STAMPEDE." and then... it just slowed into a sort of depressive state.. not all of us got to fall in love on the first day. I can't say it was easy at all.. it took me like 3 weeks to fully get used to everything, the people, the teachers, the hallways.. and it took me even longer to get used the homework, because my summer was a bit too blissful and Memorial is a bit too big of an adjustment... and so is geometry.
I have to say, I did the first real thing wrong in my life at homecoming... by sneaking in... but I didn't really have a choice.. since I was avoiding being raped. After a while, I began to enjoy my routine and find people I could pretty much stand to talk to... and some forced socializing always helps to make friends... my most instant friends were in my photo class, because we all basically clicked.. and since RJ is basically my hero, I hung out with his friends pretty much everyday at lunch.. and then there's always the DDAF people, and Xiomara and my friend Chris..and the random frosh who I've somehow managed to befriend. Because for me, it's not difficult to make friends, it's just difficult for me to decide whether or not I actually like them.. I'm sort of a drifter in my school... because there isn't a group that I've decided on.. and I like it,because I can hang around with whoever.

11. We'll hang around and say musical grace.
A sidenote.. I went to the Decemberists concert and the Kodos concert. and they pretty much kicked ass.
And also, I got to refriend some of the people I was afraid of losing touch with like Mary and Eba. Thank god.

12.&& i found a fatal flaw in the logic of love
So basically, I was liked by people who didn't like me back and um, I guess now that's over..
and also... I went through a lot of weird crushes/potentials/prospects... and um.. am now.. sadly, in love for the second time in my whole life... and that's basically what I guess is going to kick off my new year... Oh good, lord. So welcome 2006... and may you be even better than 2005.