Friday, November 19, 2010

reiterating song lyrics and otherwise being inarticulate

lately i've had little to say that's of any worth or any productive worth anyway.
i've been hooked on a feeling (high on believing!) and have just been singing and listening and thinking the same things over and over again. what's funny is that i'm stewing and brewing and not really doing much in the form of doing. anything. i did maybe 3 things this week that i'd say i was proud of. but in contrast to the maybe 134 things that i'm not proud of which are not limited to:

-starting my problem set early and then waiting to 11 o'clock the night before it was due to think about looking at it again
-lying to myself
-overthinking when i said i wouldn't
-underthinking when i said i wouldn't
and it's always the wrong thing that i'm doing the thinking act about!
-exhibiting the fact that i'm stressed in situations where i'm usually calm and collected
-bumping into stuff
-letting someone hinge on my confusion

it just reminds me of the feist song that i'm listening to right now. she says, "ooh i'll be the one to break my heart." she's saying it in the context of a breakup, but i'm saying it in a context of me. i have control over everything in my life, and i'm really the one who breaks my own heart. this isn't even really the case with a lot of people. some people fall for people who give them the wrong idea or something, and then their hearts get broken. no, me, i'm the one who breaks my heart.

sometimes i feel like i'm all talk. i'm always thinking of stuff. i'm always distracting myself into some dream world that exists in this weird musical Fth dimension. i'm always thinking of really good interesting thoughts that i'd be too shy to bring up with the people i want to talk to them about.
i think that all my worlds can be described through song lyrics and poetry-- this isn't true. lately it's been working because i've been holding some rather cliche emotions: the perceived lack of control, apathy, dark humor related to my general hopelessness-- and i know i'm not alone in this.
i've noticed over the course of biocore that people are casually getting meaner over dumber things. not everyone, but i can feel the vibe. and some are addicted to caffeine pills.

 to be honest, the reason i feel like i'm being inarticulate is because i haven't really viewed my life with real honesty in november. i've just been getting by, day-to-day, living the unexamined life. it's not that i don't care about stuff, i care about so many things, perhaps too many. it's that i feel like my life is like a badly written essay that demands structure (similar to the rambling nature of this post.)
everything looks perfect from far away

i hate it when i can tell that i'm being boring, or a broken record. i've been thinking too much about the green revolution and corporations so much that it gets abstracted and i can't even explain it properly (stay tuned for that). and lately i feel like i've been letting it slide when i do something out of line, or mean where i wouldn't before. maybe this is what it's like to be jaded. this is a shitty side of me that doesn't need to have a home here.

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

it's way too late to be this locked inside ourselves...

so i'm unlocking a little bit.

some things about me that are true.

-if i go out of my way to talk to you, i probably like you a lot more than i let on.
-i'm actually really neutral about a lot of things
-i wish people could read my mind and act accordingly but not as though they are reading my mind.
-there are so many parts of me that i feel i want to improve, but it's hard for me to actually improve. for this reason, i don't appreciate it when people try to predict my behavior, because i want not to be the same me tomorrow as i am today at least in some facet or another. evidently, it does not always work out. changes for me are gradual but real, sometimes as reflected as change in mindset more than a huge shift in actions. i like to do things with the hope that they will inspire me to do other things i want to do, like buy post-it notes or borrow books. i like to surround myself with options.
 -i generally try to avoid helping people when i don't know if i can actually help them. i feel like it's better for us both.
-i have little expendable time. but the time i do have, i do a great job of expending.
-i have a zit on my nose which is in a terrible terrible place because it would be irritated if anyone were to rub noses with me. but rubbing noses is kind of unsanitary.
-i like to walk too fast while listening to music and imagine that everyone is looking at me and thinking i am so cool.
-sometimes i just wish that i'd been a different person so i could do something drastically different in a different place than i am now. i think this comes from a desire to feel what it's like to live somewhere else and to be in a place where people don't know me. i'm sure everyone has the same feelings as i do on this matter.
-i forget what i look like all the time.
-i am pretty sensitive about weird stuff.
-i rarely give up on things, even when i probably should.
-i block things out of my memory quite frequently to avoid dwelling. left to my own devices, i dwell. i need to do things and see people and see the world with renewed excitement everyday in order not to get lost in my own head.