reiterating song lyrics and otherwise being inarticulate

lately i've had little to say that's of any worth or any productive worth anyway.
i've been hooked on a feeling (high on believing!) and have just been singing and listening and thinking the same things over and over again. what's funny is that i'm stewing and brewing and not really doing much in the form of doing. anything. i did maybe 3 things this week that i'd say i was proud of. but in contrast to the maybe 134 things that i'm not proud of which are not limited to:

-starting my problem set early and then waiting to 11 o'clock the night before it was due to think about looking at it again
-lying to myself
-overthinking when i said i wouldn't
-underthinking when i said i wouldn't
and it's always the wrong thing that i'm doing the thinking act about!
-exhibiting the fact that i'm stressed in situations where i'm usually calm and collected
-bumping into stuff
-letting someone hinge on my confusion

it just reminds me of the feist song that i'm listening to right now. she says, "ooh i'll be the one to break my heart." she's saying it in the context of a breakup, but i'm saying it in a context of me. i have control over everything in my life, and i'm really the one who breaks my own heart. this isn't even really the case with a lot of people. some people fall for people who give them the wrong idea or something, and then their hearts get broken. no, me, i'm the one who breaks my heart.

sometimes i feel like i'm all talk. i'm always thinking of stuff. i'm always distracting myself into some dream world that exists in this weird musical Fth dimension. i'm always thinking of really good interesting thoughts that i'd be too shy to bring up with the people i want to talk to them about.
i think that all my worlds can be described through song lyrics and poetry-- this isn't true. lately it's been working because i've been holding some rather cliche emotions: the perceived lack of control, apathy, dark humor related to my general hopelessness-- and i know i'm not alone in this.
i've noticed over the course of biocore that people are casually getting meaner over dumber things. not everyone, but i can feel the vibe. and some are addicted to caffeine pills.

 to be honest, the reason i feel like i'm being inarticulate is because i haven't really viewed my life with real honesty in november. i've just been getting by, day-to-day, living the unexamined life. it's not that i don't care about stuff, i care about so many things, perhaps too many. it's that i feel like my life is like a badly written essay that demands structure (similar to the rambling nature of this post.)
everything looks perfect from far away

i hate it when i can tell that i'm being boring, or a broken record. i've been thinking too much about the green revolution and corporations so much that it gets abstracted and i can't even explain it properly (stay tuned for that). and lately i feel like i've been letting it slide when i do something out of line, or mean where i wouldn't before. maybe this is what it's like to be jaded. this is a shitty side of me that doesn't need to have a home here.