i have confidence in sunlight

so... the only way to live such a hectic life is to not second-guess myself.
-i often sing this song to myself when i feel down:


and i remember what connie wu constantly repeats to me:
"no one can make you feel inferior without your consent" via eleanor roosevelt...
 and also what my friend meredith walsh said, "when you're confident, people just think about you more, and you won't even realize it."

i am in a good mood, because i was not too shy to request a couple of things i needed and am now better off! i think we all spend too much time hesitating.

"Human potential is the same for all. Your feeling, "I am of no value", is wrong. Absolutely wrong. You are deceiving yourself. We all have the power of thought- so what are you lacking? If you have willpower, then you can change anything. It is usually said that you are your own master."

"With the realization of one's own potential and self-confidence in ones ability, one can build a better world. According to my own experience, self-confidence is very important. That sort of confidence is not a blind one; it is an awareness of ones own potential. On that basis, human beings can transform themselves by increasing the good qualities and reducing the negative qualities."
Both quotes from the Dalai Lama

it's been an interesting few days at the apartment

in general, i think things are coming along nicely...

as roommates we're pretty close, but we're not insufferably close... it's a little like living with parents, because i feel like connie and becca are always looking out for me, and i definitely stay up the latest and make the most noise, and have the most drama of the three of us. i am also the least initiative taking as it comes to things like cooking, and i'm the instigator of all the apartment hangouts that have happened thus far.

(i'm definitely the baby of this roommate situation, as i am in a lot of other cases-- my band although i think i share that position with scott, and at home, despite the fact that i have a younger brother, and in the lab.)

school has made me busy, busy, busy with purposeful activities, so i'm quite pleased to be quite honest. i'm delighting in the discoveries that make me feel so young, when during the summer, i felt that i'd seen it all. this cuts into my time to explore my hobbies, but i'm bettering so much as a person in such a short time that i almost don't care. living with such good examples as becca and connie is very beneficial for me; i couldn't ask for two roommates that care more about me and offer stimulating conversation.

i just did a little bit of ochem conquering with the help of gina and jessica and jason, and now i'm off to bed to have another busy day. this might be a boring post, but i just wanted to note my feelings for the moment.

i wanna be forgotten, and i don't want to be reminded

here it comes, the raw angst.

i swear, i'm so one of those pathological, use humor as a shield people, and i didn't even see it coming. me? yes, me.
see, it goes back to that idea of self-sabotage. what makes us do things we know are wrong?!


shuck, shuck me.

dare i say that i'm excited for this semester?

i am excited for this semester. yes, i doth deigned to say such a controversial statement and i stand behind it. today was so busy. today was awesome. i mean, not all of it, but it was packed full of life experience and learning, while retaining the sheen of newness that i hope will never fade, although i know it will probably inevitably grow dull.
i woke up at 7 (admittedly much too early) and failed to fall back asleep for long enough to add hours to my sleep-account. i fumbled and put on clothes that weren't the best choice for the day, but i still wore them the whole day through. my "i fought the law" (points if you knew that it's by the clash covering bobby fuller four) shirt and my tight jeans that jason bought from re-threads and then re-gifted to me because they were too tight and had no pocket space (and they were girl-pants.)
i packed a lunch! small triumph. little did i know that it would be delicious despite the fact that becca refused to buy real pepper jack, opting instead for the imitation pepper jack cheese product singles.
i went to organic chemistry and totally zoned out and had nothing to say to my "neighbors" when we were forced to kamikaze "discuss" NMR. that's a class i'm going to fall behind in fast.
failed to make good conversation with guy in my ochem II class that i met last semester in a discussion, accidentally told him that recognizing strangers like him on the street was a "plague" that i suffer.
got a cappucino before going to hindi, amazingly had enough time to do so.
failed at speaking hindi in hindi class but did not fail at making people laugh.
ran into my entire lab convoying to a lab lunch while walking down the hill.
interviewed my friend priyanka for my radioshow, got glimpse into freshman life and into newly renovated chadbourne and best veggie quesadilla i've ever tasted. good till the last bite. did an interview in a stairwell, lent a real authenticity to the reporting.
answered questions in the lecture of the class i have with all upper classmen, professor learned my name, felt intelligent.
drank some kind of caffeinated water beverage on hour-long commute to work sitting in front of terribly obnoxious people who caused me to suffer temporary hearing loss because i tried to drown them out with headphones.
suffered four and a half hours at work with a stomach ache although my boss sang the song that it says on my shirt. ("i fought the law," remember? that was foreshadowing.) apparently he's seen every band from the 70s that is on my iPod at least 309483048 times. very cool.
my dad picked me up from work to save me from staying there until tomorrow, which is now.
went to the radio station, pre-recorded my radio show for thursday.

voila, my 16-hour day. sorry to those who bore with me.

and we're back

school is back in session, la dee da and i am already tired.

between ochem ii, biocore + lab, hindi, international health and global society, lab job and simpson street, i barely have time to feel a little bit insecure before i dive into a nervous breakdown just thinking about it.

already, i have to pre-record my radio show in advance because there is no time on the schedule that becca and i and the studio are all three available.

adding to my stressors is the fact that i have to print out all my readings but anyone will agree with me when i say that binders are the shittiest invention for holding paper for which nothing better has yet been invented, it's a pain in the ass to print stuff. also, my beautiful blue textbook came in the mail today and then my sister saw it and went Ohmygod, you're using the same textbook as me! I got the International edition MUCH CHEAPER on EBAY!! RETURN THIS NOOOW!!! so i live in fear until the international edition comes, next wednesday, the day of my first lab. meanwhile, i have to stare at the beautiful textbook that is pretty and has a nice cover that i just can't have unless i can say bye-bye to a sweet deal.

i haven't even started any of my homework yet. also, i am like 2 or 3 days behind in my lab work for lab. god help me.