he's gone.
maybe, forever.
he left me
a guitar
an amp
a book he says reminds him of me
a movie that we watched today that made us cry
about explorers in the sky
he loves me more than i could ever hope to be loved.
and i sent him away.
one day, maybe i'll see him in the sky from atop a mountain i've already climbed.
he'll wave at me from a very tall tree.
and i'll wave back at him.
Seeing a future for all that's in shreds, that's where all of my travels have led.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
and it is true what you said... that i live like a hermit in my own head
i'm isolating myself on purpose today. i know i'm letting people down.
i'm in my room trying to make sense of my infinitely growing expanse of clothing yet again
it's kind of depressing... all the clothes i didn't wear, all the tattered, broken articles: bras with underwire poking out, leggings with holes in them, jackets with missing buttons, shirts that i bought from being part of a school program that are all either a little too big or a little too small for me. i had a fashion show for myself; that was exciting.
i don't have the heart to throw anything away. i throw things out on an impulse, and regret it later. everything seems to have a story, like the pink bra that i made my cousin buy for me in a high fashion mall because it was a fraction of the price it would've been in america, prompting my aunt to ask me why i would ever need such a luxurious bra. the black polka dot tank top i no longer have that i have the exact inverse patterned boxers for. all the kurtis i bought dirt-cheap from a low-quality outlet in delhi that i should've already thrown out by now.
i try on basically all of my clothes during these cleanup sessions- i like to imagine i'm some kind of fashion forward princess, and i wear around my tiara because i can. i dress like i'm one of those New york fashion week models, next a librarian, next like regine cassagne, then like a "hipster." i'm not a hipster. i'm lucky i never throw anything away otherwise these illusions would be hard to support. probably the only time i'll allow myself to wear leggings as pants.
can you tell i'm not often alone for long periods of time?
i'm going to be alone a lot more starting tuesday or wednesday depending on when exactly i'll move in. these are the things i will do to fill that time:
- practice guitar
- walk around by myself, appreciate the beauty that our campus is, and read books
- explore state street and monroe street
- cook for two
- go to the nat and swim.
- listen to a lot more music. review a lot of CDs.
- try to write poetry, try to write songs
- decorate new room
-write emails to boy
- for the love of god, get my bike fixed.
- write storylines for "Who shot the serif?" (my radio show with becca)
things i haven't been doing enough of
-exercise
-having real full-out emotions; crying
-reading the news
-eating
things i've been doing too much of
-hanging out with people
-dreading
-feeling/being awkward
-trying to make mix CDs
-charging computer/iPod
-being a know-it-all
i really want to...
-laugh
-forget my troubles for a bit
-get this damn room clean, my damn stuff packed up, my damn bike fixed, my damn act together
-cry a lot
-fast forward through the next two weeks of transition and just take ochem in peace.
i'm in my room trying to make sense of my infinitely growing expanse of clothing yet again
it's kind of depressing... all the clothes i didn't wear, all the tattered, broken articles: bras with underwire poking out, leggings with holes in them, jackets with missing buttons, shirts that i bought from being part of a school program that are all either a little too big or a little too small for me. i had a fashion show for myself; that was exciting.
i don't have the heart to throw anything away. i throw things out on an impulse, and regret it later. everything seems to have a story, like the pink bra that i made my cousin buy for me in a high fashion mall because it was a fraction of the price it would've been in america, prompting my aunt to ask me why i would ever need such a luxurious bra. the black polka dot tank top i no longer have that i have the exact inverse patterned boxers for. all the kurtis i bought dirt-cheap from a low-quality outlet in delhi that i should've already thrown out by now.
i try on basically all of my clothes during these cleanup sessions- i like to imagine i'm some kind of fashion forward princess, and i wear around my tiara because i can. i dress like i'm one of those New york fashion week models, next a librarian, next like regine cassagne, then like a "hipster." i'm not a hipster. i'm lucky i never throw anything away otherwise these illusions would be hard to support. probably the only time i'll allow myself to wear leggings as pants.
can you tell i'm not often alone for long periods of time?
i'm going to be alone a lot more starting tuesday or wednesday depending on when exactly i'll move in. these are the things i will do to fill that time:
- practice guitar
- walk around by myself, appreciate the beauty that our campus is, and read books
- explore state street and monroe street
- cook for two
- go to the nat and swim.
- listen to a lot more music. review a lot of CDs.
- try to write poetry, try to write songs
- decorate new room
- for the love of god, get my bike fixed.
- write storylines for "Who shot the serif?" (my radio show with becca)
things i haven't been doing enough of
-exercise
-having real full-out emotions; crying
-reading the news
-eating
things i've been doing too much of
-hanging out with people
-dreading
-feeling/being awkward
-trying to make mix CDs
-charging computer/iPod
-being a know-it-all
i really want to...
-laugh
-forget my troubles for a bit
-get this damn room clean, my damn stuff packed up, my damn bike fixed, my damn act together
-cry a lot
-fast forward through the next two weeks of transition and just take ochem in peace.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
it's hard having fun, it's much easier said than it's done [lyrics post]
hold me like before, hold me like you used to, control me like you used to...
you don't move me like before, and i'm glad that you don't, because i can't take it anymore.
let the music smother me, whole weekend recovery. dancing on a friday night.
what are you staring at? nothing, your hair in the moonlight. you look familiar.
listen honey there is nothing you could say to OFFEND me anymore; you DON'T SEND me anymore.
our little scene is getting smaller by the day. it's a HUMAN ZOO.
i called you because i love you so. that's reason enough. it doesn't show.
i like you, yeah i like you, and i'm feeling so bohemian like you.
AND IT'S YOU I HEAR, SO LOUD AND SO CLEAR.
there were days when a refrain would brighten our corner of hickory lane, and you would sing that song for me just like your favorite singer. why'd you have to be so nice? a wink and a girly smile. why'd you have to punch my eye? that was something. but did you want me to stay?
born to multiply, born to gaze into night's skies. all you want's one more saturday.
you don't move me like before, and i'm glad that you don't, because i can't take it anymore.
you wanna know, what's that godawful sound? something's dragging on the ground. the machine is breaking down.
secret heart, go on and share it. this loneliness- few can bare it. could it be three simple words, or the fear of being overheard?
if every scrap of marble contains a beautiful woman, then all that it takes is the patience to chisel her out.
tell me anything you want. any old lie will do.
i read the body count out of the paper and now it's written all over my face.
no one ever plans to sleep out in the gutter. sometimes that's just the most comfortable place.
you can't stop my happiness, because i like the way i am.let the music smother me, whole weekend recovery. dancing on a friday night.
one day i'm gonna be a star. then i'll get to hang in a bar. i'll go to vegas with the playas, just to forget my scars.
oh, oh, oh, oh, i'll get him hot and show him what i've got.
my love, she throws me like a rubber ball. and she won't catch me or break my fall. with rings on her fingers, and bells on her toes, she shall have music wherever she goes.
it's always better on holiday, that's why we only work when we need the money.
it's way too late
to be this locked inside ourselves. the trouble is that you're in love with someone else.
says here an astronaut put on a pair of diapers and drove 18 hours to kill her boyfriend. in my hotel room, i'm wondering if you read that story too. and if we both might be having the same imaginary conversation.
a woman calls my house once a week, she's always selling things: some charity, a phone plan, a subscription to a magazine. and as i turned her down, i always do, there's something trembling in her voice. i said, "hey what troubles you?"
she said, "i'm surprised you noticed. well my husband he is leaving and i can't convince him to stay, and he'll take our daughter with him, she wants to go with him anyway. i'm sorry i'm hard to live with. living is the problem for me. i'm selling people things they don't want when i don't know what you need."
i keep a close watch on this heart of mine.
i keep my eyes wide open all the time. i keep the ends out for the tie that binds.
because you're mine, i walk the line.
i find it very very easy to be true,
i find myself alone when each day is through.
yes i'll admit that i'm a fool for you. because you're mine, i walk the line.
listen honey there is nothing you could say to OFFEND me anymore; you DON'T SEND me anymore.
our little scene is getting smaller by the day. it's a HUMAN ZOO.
i called you because i love you so. that's reason enough. it doesn't show.
while we're on the subject, could we change the subject now?
i was knocking on your ears. (don't worry, you were always out.)
looking towards the future, we were begging for the past. well, we know we had the good things, but those never seem to last. oh, please just last.
i was knocking on your ears. (don't worry, you were always out.)
looking towards the future, we were begging for the past. well, we know we had the good things, but those never seem to last. oh, please just last.
oh and we carried it all so well as if we'd got a new position.
and true, it may seem like a stretch but it's thoughts like this that catch my troubled head when you're away and i am missing you to death.
i like you, yeah i like you, and i'm feeling so bohemian like you.
AND IT'S YOU I HEAR, SO LOUD AND SO CLEAR.
there were days when a refrain would brighten our corner of hickory lane, and you would sing that song for me just like your favorite singer. why'd you have to be so nice? a wink and a girly smile. why'd you have to punch my eye? that was something. but did you want me to stay?
born to multiply, born to gaze into night's skies. all you want's one more saturday.
Friday, May 28, 2010
i want your ugly, i want your disease
"when lady gaga says she wants your disease, she probably doesn't know what she wants, if you look at some of what these sexual dysfunctions are..." - andy, my TA for sex
i don't know about you, but glee's cover of this song was incredibly good.
i'm not going to draw a comparison between me and lady gaga, but i've been thinking lately, i'm like eight different people.
so i have basically 4 sets of friends:
-there are the ones who check up on me, know when something really big happens and might be there to witness it.
-there are the ones who are always there when i feel lonely to have a long philosophical talk with
-there is the large clique of friends that gets assembled whenever we're on break from school.
-there are the friends that are always doing something fun and i can relax with them with no pressure.
this makes sense because i have an 8 component personality.
obviously the first group sees most of me, the second sees my funny/deep side, the third sees my funny/slightly insane side, and the last have seen me in a few different ways.
this hits me weird because in some groups, i will feel like i'm completely one thing, like i'm the most girly/stupid/smart/reliable/bashful person in the room, but then in another group, i will be the opposite. ah, relativity. but deeper than that, i realize that i fulfill different roles in each of these groups: sometimes i'm the reality check, sometimes i'm the sandman. this leads me to realize the power of the human mind to develop categories to stick people into. these categories are fed by confirmation bias (when you think something already, you continue to find evidence to support it) until one thinks that said person just is a certain way, instead of thinking that they might be able to be something other than what their "type" dictates.
this becomes in a problem because sometimes, i tend to act according to someone's expectations of me.
it's frustrating because i want to be the same person with everyone. such an idea, however, is self-defeating, because different people bring out different parts of you:
-i have a few friends i could never discuss politics with(and make no mistake, this kind of thing has nothing to do with education level. i have some really well-educated friends), but they build me up and make me laugh when i need a searchlight.
-i have a couple of friends-- who i respect fully for being so keen and clever with their thought processes, with whom i seem to have so much in common... but somehow we are fundamentally different in the way we approach and see and act in the world, like two different sides of the same coin.
-some friends like me more than they let on.
-i have a friend who seems to love me nearly unconditionally, who supports me in nearly everything i do and remembers most everything i say, who puts up with my crazy on a daily basis and still cares enough about me to call everyone i know to make sure i'm safe.
because everyone is different with me, everyone sees different sides of me. kind of like an experiment where you expose a plant to different conditions. i realize that i might have to come to terms with the disconnect that happens. it seems that some of my friends could never see me being serious about academics, while another might think i'm way too serious, some will see me as brazen and assertive, while some might see someone who simply doesn't have a filter. i have to realize that some of my friends may never see me for more than what i was two years ago... perhaps, back when they really knew me.
where you sit depends on where you stand, according to my professor for international studies 101, Scott Straus, who I think was quoting Fareed Zakaria, who undoubtedly got it from someone else.
all of this doesn't really bug me that much, even though i've rambled on a bit about it. and forgive me for the rambling, but after all, this is MY blog, this is my place to figure things out without getting too much of a hand cramp from writing this all out in my tiny journal which is currently still packed in with my stuff.
what i guess i want to say is that none of my friends ARE me, and none of them are the perfect friend, but they all care about me, and they all make me more alive in different ways. some, by giving me an okay on being hedonistic; others, by reining me in when i need it; still others for challenging me to be better-- and of course, by making me laugh. i feel incredibly blessed to get to have so many valuable, fascinating people in my life, who still want to see me.
the one thing that really bugs me, however, is when people make an assumption about someone's existence or being, based on something they've heard about them, seen them do once, or any of the like. here is where the confirmation bias comes in full force.
for example, there are the token "smart" people. and i give them credit, they are VERY smart many times, sometimes they do extraordinary things like build robots or take a lot of hard classes and get extremely high grades on tests. but being great at something doesn't make you superhuman.
i hate it when people:
-compare themselves to these godly smart beings and sell themselves short
-assume that this "smart" person will be great at whatever academic task they have to do ever or will know the answer to any given question
-not give the "smart" person credit for being anything other than what they're assumed to be
-assume that this smart person is the end-all be-all of smart on the subject and everyone else is fighting to keep up.
assumptions, people. they make asses of all of us. by thinking this way, you are being way too simplistic with your logic.
i may have a big mouth, but i try to pay a lot of attention before forming an opinion about someone and their competency at a given skill.
with my mind that is surprisingly capable of symbolic and abstract thinking i recognize that there is not one person who has a monopoly over all of the smarts or skillz. it's just that some people, let's face it, are better at getting things done in the world, and some people stand out more. (also, some people boast.)
i'm not going to lie. i get legitimately offended when someone assumes that someone who is known as smart will do something better than i will without evidence, or generally whenever anyone uses the "that's the way this person is" argument.
excuse me, who are you to say who/what a person is capable of? do you know what i'm capable of?
another one i like is:
"aarushi, why would you do that?"
"why can't i do this? jason did it."
"well jason's really smart."
"well, yeah, and so am i."
there is a very very fine line between cleverness/smarts and determination. i guarantee you the people who win in the world have a little of both. i just really don't like this absolutist way of thinking. people aren't just one thing, and they aren't just the way they are. believing that some person is JUST BETTER than me and you and us is just an excuse to not try to improve.
the root of the problem is the fact that some people are too quick to make "rules" in their heads. they sound like:
someone who is a year ahead in math and getting an A, is probably smart.
someone who is three years a head in math and is taking 234 at the UW and has a 4.0 is probably REALLY smart. therefore, they must be more apt to solve a problem than the person sitting next to them in 234 who is taking it at a normal time.... or, therefore, they must get everything right all the time and never have to ask questions, or therefore, they're also really good at physics.
it's incredibly stupid, but i swear this is the way a lot of people think. people hold a lot of illusions. it's not that i begrudge the sentiment of people who are impressed by advancement, it's just that in general, it's stupid to be so impressed with someone that you don't realize what they really are. it's how bad leaders get elected.
the same goes for most things : beauty for example.
there is no one standard for beauty, at least according to me.
i was a little appalled when i found out that in psych studies where attractiveness is a factor the experimenter got to just say someone was attractive and someone else wasn't. that's another thing that is not something you can just be or not be. sometimes, at best, you can know what it's not.
(thinking about this makes me think back to a post jason reminded me of that i wrote back in 2007.... long time ago, which was a bit cheesy, but i think it's still valid. it's called "You are not unbeautiful." i guess it was my 16-year-old self's defiant reaction from various social and perceived pressures.)
i don't necessarily hate the people who do this, as i realize, they're not trying to sell other people short by their blanket assumptions. being both a person who is assumed to do well in something, and a person who is assumed to come out behind someone else, i know that it's easier to live without having to deal with others' expectations of your behavior or others' perceptions of your worth.
i just know at these times that you've gotta remember that your truth is not what people tell you, but what you expect of yourself, and what you believe you are capable of.
i don't know about you, but glee's cover of this song was incredibly good.
i'm not going to draw a comparison between me and lady gaga, but i've been thinking lately, i'm like eight different people.
so i have basically 4 sets of friends:
-there are the ones who check up on me, know when something really big happens and might be there to witness it.
-there are the ones who are always there when i feel lonely to have a long philosophical talk with
-there is the large clique of friends that gets assembled whenever we're on break from school.
-there are the friends that are always doing something fun and i can relax with them with no pressure.
this makes sense because i have an 8 component personality.
obviously the first group sees most of me, the second sees my funny/deep side, the third sees my funny/slightly insane side, and the last have seen me in a few different ways.
this hits me weird because in some groups, i will feel like i'm completely one thing, like i'm the most girly/stupid/smart/reliable/bashful person in the room, but then in another group, i will be the opposite. ah, relativity. but deeper than that, i realize that i fulfill different roles in each of these groups: sometimes i'm the reality check, sometimes i'm the sandman. this leads me to realize the power of the human mind to develop categories to stick people into. these categories are fed by confirmation bias (when you think something already, you continue to find evidence to support it) until one thinks that said person just is a certain way, instead of thinking that they might be able to be something other than what their "type" dictates.
this becomes in a problem because sometimes, i tend to act according to someone's expectations of me.
it's frustrating because i want to be the same person with everyone. such an idea, however, is self-defeating, because different people bring out different parts of you:
-i have a few friends i could never discuss politics with(and make no mistake, this kind of thing has nothing to do with education level. i have some really well-educated friends), but they build me up and make me laugh when i need a searchlight.
-i have a couple of friends-- who i respect fully for being so keen and clever with their thought processes, with whom i seem to have so much in common... but somehow we are fundamentally different in the way we approach and see and act in the world, like two different sides of the same coin.
-some friends like me more than they let on.
-i have a friend who seems to love me nearly unconditionally, who supports me in nearly everything i do and remembers most everything i say, who puts up with my crazy on a daily basis and still cares enough about me to call everyone i know to make sure i'm safe.
because everyone is different with me, everyone sees different sides of me. kind of like an experiment where you expose a plant to different conditions. i realize that i might have to come to terms with the disconnect that happens. it seems that some of my friends could never see me being serious about academics, while another might think i'm way too serious, some will see me as brazen and assertive, while some might see someone who simply doesn't have a filter. i have to realize that some of my friends may never see me for more than what i was two years ago... perhaps, back when they really knew me.
where you sit depends on where you stand, according to my professor for international studies 101, Scott Straus, who I think was quoting Fareed Zakaria, who undoubtedly got it from someone else.
all of this doesn't really bug me that much, even though i've rambled on a bit about it. and forgive me for the rambling, but after all, this is MY blog, this is my place to figure things out without getting too much of a hand cramp from writing this all out in my tiny journal which is currently still packed in with my stuff.
what i guess i want to say is that none of my friends ARE me, and none of them are the perfect friend, but they all care about me, and they all make me more alive in different ways. some, by giving me an okay on being hedonistic; others, by reining me in when i need it; still others for challenging me to be better-- and of course, by making me laugh. i feel incredibly blessed to get to have so many valuable, fascinating people in my life, who still want to see me.
the one thing that really bugs me, however, is when people make an assumption about someone's existence or being, based on something they've heard about them, seen them do once, or any of the like. here is where the confirmation bias comes in full force.
for example, there are the token "smart" people. and i give them credit, they are VERY smart many times, sometimes they do extraordinary things like build robots or take a lot of hard classes and get extremely high grades on tests. but being great at something doesn't make you superhuman.
i hate it when people:
-compare themselves to these godly smart beings and sell themselves short
-assume that this "smart" person will be great at whatever academic task they have to do ever or will know the answer to any given question
-not give the "smart" person credit for being anything other than what they're assumed to be
-assume that this smart person is the end-all be-all of smart on the subject and everyone else is fighting to keep up.
assumptions, people. they make asses of all of us. by thinking this way, you are being way too simplistic with your logic.
i may have a big mouth, but i try to pay a lot of attention before forming an opinion about someone and their competency at a given skill.
with my mind that is surprisingly capable of symbolic and abstract thinking i recognize that there is not one person who has a monopoly over all of the smarts or skillz. it's just that some people, let's face it, are better at getting things done in the world, and some people stand out more. (also, some people boast.)
i'm not going to lie. i get legitimately offended when someone assumes that someone who is known as smart will do something better than i will without evidence, or generally whenever anyone uses the "that's the way this person is" argument.
excuse me, who are you to say who/what a person is capable of? do you know what i'm capable of?
another one i like is:
"aarushi, why would you do that?"
"why can't i do this? jason did it."
"well jason's really smart."
"well, yeah, and so am i."
there is a very very fine line between cleverness/smarts and determination. i guarantee you the people who win in the world have a little of both. i just really don't like this absolutist way of thinking. people aren't just one thing, and they aren't just the way they are. believing that some person is JUST BETTER than me and you and us is just an excuse to not try to improve.
the root of the problem is the fact that some people are too quick to make "rules" in their heads. they sound like:
someone who is a year ahead in math and getting an A, is probably smart.
someone who is three years a head in math and is taking 234 at the UW and has a 4.0 is probably REALLY smart. therefore, they must be more apt to solve a problem than the person sitting next to them in 234 who is taking it at a normal time.... or, therefore, they must get everything right all the time and never have to ask questions, or therefore, they're also really good at physics.
it's incredibly stupid, but i swear this is the way a lot of people think. people hold a lot of illusions. it's not that i begrudge the sentiment of people who are impressed by advancement, it's just that in general, it's stupid to be so impressed with someone that you don't realize what they really are. it's how bad leaders get elected.
the same goes for most things : beauty for example.
there is no one standard for beauty, at least according to me.
i was a little appalled when i found out that in psych studies where attractiveness is a factor the experimenter got to just say someone was attractive and someone else wasn't. that's another thing that is not something you can just be or not be. sometimes, at best, you can know what it's not.
(thinking about this makes me think back to a post jason reminded me of that i wrote back in 2007.... long time ago, which was a bit cheesy, but i think it's still valid. it's called "You are not unbeautiful." i guess it was my 16-year-old self's defiant reaction from various social and perceived pressures.)
i don't necessarily hate the people who do this, as i realize, they're not trying to sell other people short by their blanket assumptions. being both a person who is assumed to do well in something, and a person who is assumed to come out behind someone else, i know that it's easier to live without having to deal with others' expectations of your behavior or others' perceptions of your worth.
i just know at these times that you've gotta remember that your truth is not what people tell you, but what you expect of yourself, and what you believe you are capable of.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
no thank you for the music
it's safe to say I've been in a musical rut for about a month now.
the moment i turn my back on music for like two weeks, i'm uninspired again.
the problem is that i'm being too discriminatory with my music and only listening to music i know i like, but as a result, i'm not consuming in depth.
and now i'm making a mix CD and worried that it sounds bad, when making good mixes is usually just instinctual for me.
usually, each mix is one of songs i know the person will like generally plus some songs that are kind of similar to their taste so I'm pretty sure they'll like them and then some that are just all around good, so there's a high chance the person will enjoy them.
today though, i'm mad at myself so i started off making the mix with some "other" music - the stuff that i haven't been listening to that much, which can have positive but also disastrous results.
so i stuck on a bunch of standbys which will probably be pretty successful, but this CD has not been a fun learning experience for me as i hoped it might be.
areas of musical regret:
-not listening to hazards of love- the decemberists enough because it's overproduced and i end up turning it off.
-not listening to contra- vampire weekend in its entirety because i just love vampire weekend (self-titled) too much not to listen to it whenever i listen to vampire weekend.
-not listening to viva la vida.
i think that you guys can sense the pattern here. in general, i tend to get distracted and rush toward familiar, comfort music. this is VERY bad.
the few of you who read this: do you have any musical suggestions? i don't want music that i have to work to get into, i want music that's immediately infectious and likeable.
unfortunately, i'm also in a fashion rut. =(
the moment i turn my back on music for like two weeks, i'm uninspired again.
the problem is that i'm being too discriminatory with my music and only listening to music i know i like, but as a result, i'm not consuming in depth.
and now i'm making a mix CD and worried that it sounds bad, when making good mixes is usually just instinctual for me.
usually, each mix is one of songs i know the person will like generally plus some songs that are kind of similar to their taste so I'm pretty sure they'll like them and then some that are just all around good, so there's a high chance the person will enjoy them.
today though, i'm mad at myself so i started off making the mix with some "other" music - the stuff that i haven't been listening to that much, which can have positive but also disastrous results.
so i stuck on a bunch of standbys which will probably be pretty successful, but this CD has not been a fun learning experience for me as i hoped it might be.
areas of musical regret:
-not listening to hazards of love- the decemberists enough because it's overproduced and i end up turning it off.
-not listening to contra- vampire weekend in its entirety because i just love vampire weekend (self-titled) too much not to listen to it whenever i listen to vampire weekend.
-not listening to viva la vida.
i think that you guys can sense the pattern here. in general, i tend to get distracted and rush toward familiar, comfort music. this is VERY bad.
the few of you who read this: do you have any musical suggestions? i don't want music that i have to work to get into, i want music that's immediately infectious and likeable.
unfortunately, i'm also in a fashion rut. =(
Monday, May 17, 2010
using paragraphs rather than lists
creative things i used to do but don't do now.
write stories, make web sites, write elaborate journal entries including illustrations, wrote songs that used way too many of the only chords i knew how to play on the guitar, put on makeup at 3 AM because i felt like it, cut my own hair, make up elaborate become-really-awesome-in-ten-minutes schemes, make layouts for whatever online journal i was using at the time.
songs i really like but don't know enough about the artist to make a big deal of.
fake palindromes, baby featuring ludacris, penny on a train track, brighter than sunshine, long distance call, paper planes, cigarettes and chocolate milk, sh-boom (life could be a dream), empire state of mind, beautiful girls, in our talons, bad education, it's alright baby
goals for songwriting.
write a ballad that doesn't suck, write an upbeat song that doesn't suck, title something using parentheses, have one song with a really minimalist title, write one song with a title that's a pun, write a song that will bring someone to tears because it's so damn awesome
things i have to throw away/recycle/give away/channel.
anger, passive aggressive people, attachment to earthly things, insane packrat tendencies, most of my makeup, all the clothing i second-guess myself while wearing it because although some people believe in comfort over looks, actually it is possible that you can look super good in something that look super good on you and that's what i believe and i'm sticking to it, probably my harvard sweatshirt because let's be honest i'm not that big of a fan of harvard even if they make warm maroon sweatshirts, my bad attitude regarding cleaning/academics, most of the papers that had to do with middle school and high school, all the brown paper bags i used to transport books home, all those purses meghana regifted to me.
things i have to learn to live with.
homeless people, state street, being single and cooking for myself, hipsters who never wear the same outfit twice, girlie girls girlier than me, the fact that i'll eventually have to wear makeup in my older age, lopsided organs, the things that 100% of boys do, the fact that everyone's just going to be much less impressed when i do things right by/for people, i'll never have a 4.0 nor do i really want one, i can't please everyone nor do i want to, the fact that ugly betty was canceled, scott doesn't like the who/oranges, becca doesn't like boys who live in our zip code, priyanka doesn't like daria and jason likes everything and everyone just a little too much, some nice people are too nice and then you don't know if they're honest people, no one can fill your void but yourself, there is no astronaut mike dexter, we're all getting older by the second.
things i don't have to live with.
my carbon footprint, my addiction to simply fruit fruit rollups, my penchant for clutter/freaking out, my furniture, my family once i move into my apartment with emily, eating restaurant food, bad sleeping patterns, the fact that i haven't written a legit story since last semester's french class, not being fluent in hindi/french, apathy.
write stories, make web sites, write elaborate journal entries including illustrations, wrote songs that used way too many of the only chords i knew how to play on the guitar, put on makeup at 3 AM because i felt like it, cut my own hair, make up elaborate become-really-awesome-in-ten-minutes schemes, make layouts for whatever online journal i was using at the time.
songs i really like but don't know enough about the artist to make a big deal of.
fake palindromes, baby featuring ludacris, penny on a train track, brighter than sunshine, long distance call, paper planes, cigarettes and chocolate milk, sh-boom (life could be a dream), empire state of mind, beautiful girls, in our talons, bad education, it's alright baby
goals for songwriting.
write a ballad that doesn't suck, write an upbeat song that doesn't suck, title something using parentheses, have one song with a really minimalist title, write one song with a title that's a pun, write a song that will bring someone to tears because it's so damn awesome
things i have to throw away/recycle/give away/channel.
anger, passive aggressive people, attachment to earthly things, insane packrat tendencies, most of my makeup, all the clothing i second-guess myself while wearing it because although some people believe in comfort over looks, actually it is possible that you can look super good in something that look super good on you and that's what i believe and i'm sticking to it, probably my harvard sweatshirt because let's be honest i'm not that big of a fan of harvard even if they make warm maroon sweatshirts, my bad attitude regarding cleaning/academics, most of the papers that had to do with middle school and high school, all the brown paper bags i used to transport books home, all those purses meghana regifted to me.
things i have to learn to live with.
homeless people, state street, being single and cooking for myself, hipsters who never wear the same outfit twice, girlie girls girlier than me, the fact that i'll eventually have to wear makeup in my older age, lopsided organs, the things that 100% of boys do, the fact that everyone's just going to be much less impressed when i do things right by/for people, i'll never have a 4.0 nor do i really want one, i can't please everyone nor do i want to, the fact that ugly betty was canceled, scott doesn't like the who/oranges, becca doesn't like boys who live in our zip code, priyanka doesn't like daria and jason likes everything and everyone just a little too much, some nice people are too nice and then you don't know if they're honest people, no one can fill your void but yourself, there is no astronaut mike dexter, we're all getting older by the second.
things i don't have to live with.
my carbon footprint, my addiction to simply fruit fruit rollups, my penchant for clutter/freaking out, my furniture, my family once i move into my apartment with emily, eating restaurant food, bad sleeping patterns, the fact that i haven't written a legit story since last semester's french class, not being fluent in hindi/french, apathy.
some thoughts
I have the sneaking suspicion that Becca likes Kelly Clarkson.
These allergies will be the DEATH of me.
I should probably eat something today seeing as it's been two hours since I woke up and I've done nothing but curl up.
I might have to switch from Stereogum to Pitchfork because I can't understand how Stereogum works anymore. Also, I don't like CNN and NYT's RSS newsfeeds because they don't just let me read the whole story. I have to go to a separate page.
There's so much music I want to listen to and get into that it's overwhelming and it's really hard because I don't know that I'll like everything and I don't want to spend all the time obtaining the music and listening to it if I don't know there will be a return on the investment.
Crystal WHAT THE FUCK JUST COME HOME
I will be hanging out with Suvai in T-1hour and I should probably clean up my room a little bit before then.
I never really understood Jim and Pam as a couple. I know they love each other and stuff, but how can be happy in their small little home-office world? They're like, SO NORMAL. Weirding me out.
Last night, the Rose Lights jammed and it was really nice because it's summer and I like to sing like SO MUCH more than anything else in the entire world.
I woke up and neither my parents nor my brother was home and then I realized it's only summer for me.
I think it's weird that people Arcade Fire emphasizing the CADE part of Arcade Fire, when I pronounce the AR more. That might be because my name is AARushi and I'm sensitive about doing stuff like that. Another funny thing is that my Facebook name is Aarushi Fire (because my last name is Fire in Sanskrit) kind of like Arcade Fire and if people pronounced my name right they would be pronouncing the first syllable like Arcade.
Anyway, Becca is right; Kelly Clarkson's song "Naked Eye" totally rips off Rebellion (Lies)!!!
These allergies will be the DEATH of me.
I should probably eat something today seeing as it's been two hours since I woke up and I've done nothing but curl up.
I might have to switch from Stereogum to Pitchfork because I can't understand how Stereogum works anymore. Also, I don't like CNN and NYT's RSS newsfeeds because they don't just let me read the whole story. I have to go to a separate page.
There's so much music I want to listen to and get into that it's overwhelming and it's really hard because I don't know that I'll like everything and I don't want to spend all the time obtaining the music and listening to it if I don't know there will be a return on the investment.
Crystal WHAT THE FUCK JUST COME HOME
I will be hanging out with Suvai in T-1hour and I should probably clean up my room a little bit before then.
I never really understood Jim and Pam as a couple. I know they love each other and stuff, but how can be happy in their small little home-office world? They're like, SO NORMAL. Weirding me out.
Last night, the Rose Lights jammed and it was really nice because it's summer and I like to sing like SO MUCH more than anything else in the entire world.
I woke up and neither my parents nor my brother was home and then I realized it's only summer for me.
I think it's weird that people Arcade Fire emphasizing the CADE part of Arcade Fire, when I pronounce the AR more. That might be because my name is AARushi and I'm sensitive about doing stuff like that. Another funny thing is that my Facebook name is Aarushi Fire (because my last name is Fire in Sanskrit) kind of like Arcade Fire and if people pronounced my name right they would be pronouncing the first syllable like Arcade.
Anyway, Becca is right; Kelly Clarkson's song "Naked Eye" totally rips off Rebellion (Lies)!!!
Sunday, May 16, 2010
obladi oblada
I am at home with my family since I moved out yesterday. Nothing much has happened except that I'm editing Jason's essay, which is really interesting, about how medicine has changed (becoming more depersonalized) through the centuries with the creation of germ theory and stuff.
Some funny things though.
My mom always uses medical terminology to describe the chores we have to do.
We played Brainquest and looked up Andrew Johnson's impeachment. "He left office a bitter man."
My little brother, Chet, is playing Carol of the Bells in piano. My mom was singing Obladi Oblada this morning.
Also. Chet and I talking about the BP oil spill:
Me: That's really too bad. I kind of like BP.
Chet: Yeah I know!! They have such a nice logo!
Talked to Crystal online about stuff.
I honestly cannot wait until Crystal and Suvai get back. I'm psyched to see them.
Some funny things though.
My mom always uses medical terminology to describe the chores we have to do.
We played Brainquest and looked up Andrew Johnson's impeachment. "He left office a bitter man."
My little brother, Chet, is playing Carol of the Bells in piano. My mom was singing Obladi Oblada this morning.
Also. Chet and I talking about the BP oil spill:
Me: That's really too bad. I kind of like BP.
Chet: Yeah I know!! They have such a nice logo!
Talked to Crystal online about stuff.
I honestly cannot wait until Crystal and Suvai get back. I'm psyched to see them.
Wednesday, May 05, 2010
Instead of writing my paper...
Things I made Jason do that positively affected his existence
-listen to the Shins, Autolux, Belle & Sebastian, etc
-listen to WSUM 91.7 FM Madison
-do Forensics
-start a blog
-buy that super cute shirt from Aeropostale that one time; from Urban that other time
-buy Cassie's bass
-take Human Sexuality
-socialize
-listen to the Strokes who he didn't like initially
another useless post.
-listen to the Shins, Autolux, Belle & Sebastian, etc
-listen to WSUM 91.7 FM Madison
-do Forensics
-start a blog
-buy that super cute shirt from Aeropostale that one time; from Urban that other time
-buy Cassie's bass
-take Human Sexuality
-socialize
-listen to the Strokes who he didn't like initially
another useless post.
Monday, May 03, 2010
Reading time with pickle
I spent the majority of today and yesterday and the day before that feeling stupid about feeling bad for myself about my problems and writing a self-indulgent blog post and having two or three self-indulgent conversations with people who don't know me that well and two or three with Becca and at least 60 with Jason. But this paragraph in itself is self-indulgent so let's move on.
Today we got our papers back from Geography 339 and our tests. In general it felt pretty good to get a decent grade on a paper I enjoyed writing about how the boys at West were hot because of an environmentally sound city planning technique. It makes me happy that at least I know that I have the capability to write about something meaningful and not have it be boring.
Such is not the case for some of our readings for that class; most are pretty interesting, one or two are downright gripping, but a good 30% of what we have to read is foggy and overgeneralized, written in passive voice. I understand the desire for logical fact and clarity as well as the problems that are inherent in writing something with emotion, but the text fails in that it is not interesting at all; the entire text is made up of the same sentence:
"[Insert environmental problem here] has negative effects on [such and such population in such and such area]. This contributes to greater [blahblah] in the [region/world/population/country]. Policy makers might consider [this] in their address of more widespread [that]. Although data is not conclusive and the impact of [factor] is uncertain; there remains no doubt that action must be taken in order to reduce the overall costs to our planet." Multiply this boring sentence by 30 pages x 7 chapters.
It frustrates me that it's not even boring! Like, I'm legitimately interest in a good 92% of all the content, but the delivery just leaves me high and dry and bitter for having wasted so much time on it when I should have been half-ass about it and just read the bullet points.
When I feel like I actually am worse off for reading a text, there's gotta be something wrong.
Today we got our papers back from Geography 339 and our tests. In general it felt pretty good to get a decent grade on a paper I enjoyed writing about how the boys at West were hot because of an environmentally sound city planning technique. It makes me happy that at least I know that I have the capability to write about something meaningful and not have it be boring.
Such is not the case for some of our readings for that class; most are pretty interesting, one or two are downright gripping, but a good 30% of what we have to read is foggy and overgeneralized, written in passive voice. I understand the desire for logical fact and clarity as well as the problems that are inherent in writing something with emotion, but the text fails in that it is not interesting at all; the entire text is made up of the same sentence:
"[Insert environmental problem here] has negative effects on [such and such population in such and such area]. This contributes to greater [blahblah] in the [region/world/population/country]. Policy makers might consider [this] in their address of more widespread [that]. Although data is not conclusive and the impact of [factor] is uncertain; there remains no doubt that action must be taken in order to reduce the overall costs to our planet." Multiply this boring sentence by 30 pages x 7 chapters.
It frustrates me that it's not even boring! Like, I'm legitimately interest in a good 92% of all the content, but the delivery just leaves me high and dry and bitter for having wasted so much time on it when I should have been half-ass about it and just read the bullet points.
When I feel like I actually am worse off for reading a text, there's gotta be something wrong.
Saturday, May 01, 2010
Things I did today in backwards order
Because it's my blog and I can do whatever I want with it. Screw everyone else.
-Started making this post
-Heard an ambulance
-Began talking to Becca about feelings among other things
-Told Ramona I can't hang out because my parents are coming to pick me up soon
-Started editing my Harvard friend's paper for her film class about Silence of the Lambs
-thought maybe I should start my 15 page paper due next Friday
-opened my computer
-sat down (more aptly, I plopped down because I am lazy)
-got back to my dorm with a Za's smoothie (an impulse purchase)
-Meredith told me she likes my jeans; ditched my friends who were going to see a movie at the Union because my family was coming to pick me up. It's been 2 hours.
-got a smoothie from Mia Za's after Jamba Juice was closed and I for some reason really wanted to go there even though it wasn't the best decision; saw Harry and Jiwon at Jamba Juice with a bunch of people I don't know
-ate dinner on the square with Gina, Fangfei, Jessica, Meredith and Amanda and Amanda's boyfriend who is cool but whose name I forgot (Ryan?)
-realized it was one of those restaurants where you have to get your silverware in advance, pay in advance, and pour your own water and was generally confused because it seemed like a nice place
-ran down state street, iPod in hand, avoided drunk morons, ran into Conor Murphy, talked to Gina a total of four times to get to a place that I still walked directly past even though my friends called my name and waved at me to come over. Also, explained to some elderly couple and their lumberjack chic wearing grand/son "what exactly Mifflin is"
-left my dorm looking less sexy than I found it.
-watched a lot of TV (Parks and Recreation ftw); poured soul out to Abi on gchat (Abi is such a good friend); had awkward fleeting thoughts; felt stupid in general for being stupid; lamented the fact that I'm not interesting but still feel self-important in some way or another even though I don't have a fridge that works and I get full too easily and I'm perpetually falling asleep, and I don't have an effect on people; and I'm just too transparent all the time.
-got back from Jason's orchestra concert feeling listless after two or three strangely crowded, awkward goodbyes
-ran into Shaina (Becca's cousin) and Spencer
-watched boring-er second half of concert (which was boring-er despite the presence of an oboe and a person who looked weirdly like my boss who had white and black streaked hair that seemed too perfectly proportional not to have been dyed that color) except Swan Lake was cool and Scott found an "androgynous" looking girl.
-watched Jason's part of the orchestra concert which was condescendingly called "Orchestra Too!" Found interesting looking people to stare at, and acted like a complete n00b by accidentally clapping after a movement of a piece because I got too excited. But all their pieces were really good!
-met Scott outside and realized my being deep-in-thought and walking in the wrong direction and stuff is not conducive to not getting injured
-got ready to go to Jason's concert, considered wearing same clothes I was wearing yesterday. Decided against; put all my clothes into a big basket that I will use to lug all of my clothing I don't want to look at anymore home; watched television.
-took a shower.
-got back to my dorm, updated iPod, made playlists, "rented" a documentary to watch for my paper from iTunes store, made a blog entry, "thought about" paper
-ate lunch with Jason; tater tots that David made, ate off of Jason's med cafe plate; a cup of tea
-signed the lease on my new apartment after viewing it, talking it over and going to the bank with Emily; introduced Emily to David. They liked each other because they're both really into Chinese and being it.
-woke up, watched youtube videos.
All in all, pretty productive day.
-Started making this post
-Heard an ambulance
-Began talking to Becca about feelings among other things
-Told Ramona I can't hang out because my parents are coming to pick me up soon
-Started editing my Harvard friend's paper for her film class about Silence of the Lambs
-thought maybe I should start my 15 page paper due next Friday
-opened my computer
-sat down (more aptly, I plopped down because I am lazy)
-got back to my dorm with a Za's smoothie (an impulse purchase)
-Meredith told me she likes my jeans; ditched my friends who were going to see a movie at the Union because my family was coming to pick me up. It's been 2 hours.
-got a smoothie from Mia Za's after Jamba Juice was closed and I for some reason really wanted to go there even though it wasn't the best decision; saw Harry and Jiwon at Jamba Juice with a bunch of people I don't know
-ate dinner on the square with Gina, Fangfei, Jessica, Meredith and Amanda and Amanda's boyfriend who is cool but whose name I forgot (Ryan?)
-realized it was one of those restaurants where you have to get your silverware in advance, pay in advance, and pour your own water and was generally confused because it seemed like a nice place
-ran down state street, iPod in hand, avoided drunk morons, ran into Conor Murphy, talked to Gina a total of four times to get to a place that I still walked directly past even though my friends called my name and waved at me to come over. Also, explained to some elderly couple and their lumberjack chic wearing grand/son "what exactly Mifflin is"
-left my dorm looking less sexy than I found it.
-watched a lot of TV (Parks and Recreation ftw); poured soul out to Abi on gchat (Abi is such a good friend); had awkward fleeting thoughts; felt stupid in general for being stupid; lamented the fact that I'm not interesting but still feel self-important in some way or another even though I don't have a fridge that works and I get full too easily and I'm perpetually falling asleep, and I don't have an effect on people; and I'm just too transparent all the time.
-got back from Jason's orchestra concert feeling listless after two or three strangely crowded, awkward goodbyes
-ran into Shaina (Becca's cousin) and Spencer
-watched boring-er second half of concert (which was boring-er despite the presence of an oboe and a person who looked weirdly like my boss who had white and black streaked hair that seemed too perfectly proportional not to have been dyed that color) except Swan Lake was cool and Scott found an "androgynous" looking girl.
-watched Jason's part of the orchestra concert which was condescendingly called "Orchestra Too!" Found interesting looking people to stare at, and acted like a complete n00b by accidentally clapping after a movement of a piece because I got too excited. But all their pieces were really good!
-met Scott outside and realized my being deep-in-thought and walking in the wrong direction and stuff is not conducive to not getting injured
-got ready to go to Jason's concert, considered wearing same clothes I was wearing yesterday. Decided against; put all my clothes into a big basket that I will use to lug all of my clothing I don't want to look at anymore home; watched television.
-took a shower.
-got back to my dorm, updated iPod, made playlists, "rented" a documentary to watch for my paper from iTunes store, made a blog entry, "thought about" paper
-ate lunch with Jason; tater tots that David made, ate off of Jason's med cafe plate; a cup of tea
-signed the lease on my new apartment after viewing it, talking it over and going to the bank with Emily; introduced Emily to David. They liked each other because they're both really into Chinese and being it.
-woke up, watched youtube videos.
All in all, pretty productive day.
Some things I've been getting a kick out of lately
The song "I Get a Kick Out of You" and this other song "I Can't Get Started." In general, I love songs from this time period; the songs are mostly narratives, and they require a lot of passion to sing. The big band enhances the whole meaning of the deal-- the swingy feel is really emphatic, when the brass swells it just like punches you in the chest. Lately, I've been feeling like I wish it were socially acceptable/possible for me to sing to myself and have a big band pop up behind me and let me have my moment, like in an episode of Glee or like in that one scene from 10 Things I hate about you or in a Hindi movie. The songs are not mindless- they don't just repeat a refrain. They tell a real story about unrequited love, which these days is never really mentioned anymore.
It feels like every day there are more and more Indian people on TV, which I dig. From Jack Donnaghy's annoying gay assistant on 30 Rock to Rebecca Logan, the smart but evil sorority senator's daughter on Greek, to Nigel Barker, the sexy fashion photographer (half-Indian) on Next Top Model, to the hilarious principal on Glee, Indians got it. It's just nice to see people who look like you on your tv set, instead of having to deal with feeling like everyone in the mainstream media is white or black.
I've started listening to a lot of "This American Life." I know that that's not new or anything but neither is anything else. I like the way they weave together true stories that can just really touch your heart or weird you out. Becca and I will be stealing a lot of tricks from here when we do our radio show this summer, which has been lovingly entitled, "Who shot the serif?"
Something else I've endeavored to do is listen to all the songs that start with "I" in my library. It really represents a lot of I related emotions. It takes freaking forever too. Did you know that Cake did a cover of "I will survive"? Actually, that's a pretty well known fact. Whatever, you discover little things along with songs you forgot about in your library. In fact, that's probably when I remembered "I Can't Get Started" and "I Get a Kick Out of You." Full circle!
I had a weird dream that my old drama director and some kid in my french class got into a fight about a paper that my old drama director who was also an English teacher had corrected, and it almost got violent. Also, Spain changed it's name, and this word that was a scientific french word that meant something like conduction but also could be used in a sexy way got banned. However, the word didn't exist in real life so I couldn't remember it when I woke up.
I'm listening to Simon & Garfunkel and decrying mob mentality right now.
It feels like every day there are more and more Indian people on TV, which I dig. From Jack Donnaghy's annoying gay assistant on 30 Rock to Rebecca Logan, the smart but evil sorority senator's daughter on Greek, to Nigel Barker, the sexy fashion photographer (half-Indian) on Next Top Model, to the hilarious principal on Glee, Indians got it. It's just nice to see people who look like you on your tv set, instead of having to deal with feeling like everyone in the mainstream media is white or black.
I've started listening to a lot of "This American Life." I know that that's not new or anything but neither is anything else. I like the way they weave together true stories that can just really touch your heart or weird you out. Becca and I will be stealing a lot of tricks from here when we do our radio show this summer, which has been lovingly entitled, "Who shot the serif?"
Something else I've endeavored to do is listen to all the songs that start with "I" in my library. It really represents a lot of I related emotions. It takes freaking forever too. Did you know that Cake did a cover of "I will survive"? Actually, that's a pretty well known fact. Whatever, you discover little things along with songs you forgot about in your library. In fact, that's probably when I remembered "I Can't Get Started" and "I Get a Kick Out of You." Full circle!
I had a weird dream that my old drama director and some kid in my french class got into a fight about a paper that my old drama director who was also an English teacher had corrected, and it almost got violent. Also, Spain changed it's name, and this word that was a scientific french word that meant something like conduction but also could be used in a sexy way got banned. However, the word didn't exist in real life so I couldn't remember it when I woke up.
I'm listening to Simon & Garfunkel and decrying mob mentality right now.
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