and it is true what you said... that i live like a hermit in my own head

i'm isolating myself on purpose today. i know i'm letting people down.
i'm in my room trying to make sense of my infinitely growing expanse of clothing yet again
it's kind of depressing... all the clothes i didn't wear, all the tattered, broken articles: bras with underwire poking out, leggings with holes in them, jackets with missing buttons, shirts that i bought from being part of a school program that are all either a little too big or a little too small for me. i had a fashion show for myself; that was exciting.

i don't have the heart to throw anything away. i throw things out on an impulse, and regret it later. everything seems to have a story, like the pink bra that i made my cousin buy for me in a high fashion mall because it was a fraction of the price it would've been in america, prompting my aunt to ask me why i would ever need such a luxurious bra. the black polka dot tank top i no longer have that i have the exact inverse patterned boxers for. all the kurtis i bought dirt-cheap from a low-quality outlet in delhi that i should've already thrown out by now.

i try on basically all of my clothes during these cleanup sessions- i like to imagine i'm some kind of fashion forward princess, and i wear around my tiara because i can. i dress like i'm one of those New york fashion week models, next a librarian, next like regine cassagne, then like a "hipster." i'm not a hipster. i'm lucky i never throw anything away otherwise these illusions would be hard to support. probably the only time i'll allow myself to wear leggings as pants.

can you tell i'm not often alone for long periods of time?

i'm going to be alone a lot more starting tuesday or wednesday depending on when exactly i'll move in. these are the things i will do to fill that time:
- practice guitar
- walk around by myself, appreciate the beauty that our campus is, and read books
- explore state street and monroe street
- cook for two
- go to the nat and swim.
- listen to a lot more music. review a lot of CDs.
- try to write poetry, try to write songs
- decorate new room
-write emails to boy
- for the love of god, get my bike fixed.
- write storylines for "Who shot the serif?" (my radio show with becca)

things i haven't been doing enough of
-exercise
-having real full-out emotions; crying
-reading the news
-eating

things i've been doing too much of
-hanging out with people
-dreading
-feeling/being awkward
-trying to make mix CDs
-charging computer/iPod
-being a know-it-all

i really want to...
-laugh
-forget my troubles for a bit
-get this damn room clean, my damn stuff packed up, my damn bike fixed, my damn act together
-cry a lot
-fast forward through the next two weeks of transition and just take ochem in peace.