Life, as of late, has become too much of a chore to live. Though I try as hard as I might to find some meaning in every day, to figure out what to do next, and to revel in my personal problems, and to keep doing things that I love... it all boils down to a question, "For what?"
Lately, my life has just been a quest to keep myself entertained. This is probably because my recent social structure and way of life has been shaken off of its hinges. And I have no idea what to do now. So I am reverting back to an old precedent, set back in the days of Core Knowledge Charter School... Just focus on school.
This proves to be a lot more difficult than planned as it is a stressful topic, to say the least. I'm so so so afraid of my future, and what I'm going to do with my life. Suddenly it feels as if I'm expected to get a career tomorrow.. and I don't know whether to be a journalist or a psychoanalyst or a musician. Music-wise I am unsure. I have to pick a genre. I'm too eclectic for my own damn good. I mean, sure, fine. I pick rock. But rock itself is divided into millions of sub categories, and do I like Classic better? Or do I like Modern? And what about my parents and what they like? They hate modern rock. I think.
And journalism is so tough. And everyone wants to be a journalist, and who am I to think I'm better than anyone else?
And I'm not completely sure what a psychoanalyst is. I mean, they analyze and that's what I'm good at I guess.
My dad wants me to be a doctor along with the entire rest of the Indian population plus all the people who are projecting things for the years to come. There are not enough people being trained for medical professions and there will soon be a demand for people who are qualified to fill them, so therefore, the doctor salary will go up. My father says that if I wish to be comfortable in the coming shaky years, I should really go into medicine as it is a noble profession that would require all my skills. And the crazy thing is, it doesn't seem to be such a bad idea. He makes it seem like they need me.
But in order to even think of my future, I need to be getting good grades so I can get into good classes. But I'm living on a prayer in geometry. All these classes are so interesting that will benefit me like, Efficient Reading, and Medical Occupations and Math Chemistry and English TAG but I'm scared to death that I'll have no life or no time to deal with any of it.
Geometry is so scary. I just keep dreaming of right triangles... a squared plus b squared equals c squared. and then I start doing a squared multiplied by b squared= c squared. and that's wrong. but my mind is so fried on everything, everything, everything. it just.. never stops. I always have some kind of Geometry to do and it just nags at me.. and makes me feel bad. And I can never really pinpoint the problem, because I can always partially understand what's going on. It's just.. I fall short in some place. And I don't know where. And there's no one willing to commit time to help me.. and it seems too big of an effort to get a school tutor, as I'll have to go meet them and they'll teach me the things I understand over and over and over and the things I don't get, which are more subtle, will fall at the wayside, and it won't help my grade any....
and every time I wake up from a right triangle dream, I don't want to, because then I realize I have to do Geometry. And my mind is just a maze of shapes and numbers and theorums and formulas and slopes...
and I want out. now.
Seeing a future for all that's in shreds, that's where all of my travels have led.
3 comments:
lol, lots of thoughts there. And funnily enough, i can relate to most of them...
As to the purpose/point of life, you kinda just have to make your own I gather. Everyone has the potential to have their own meaning/purpose/whatever, but its just too easy to glide through...
You ask who you are to think your better than anyone else in getting a job or whatever, so i ask, who are you to think that your worse? There are plenty of oppurtunitys out there.
School stuff, I can rant about better thou =P
GeoA sucked majoirly, once you get back on the algebra track, things will be much more fun...all you have to remember is, ironically, A^2+B^2=C^2 =P
Math chem was also a cool class, but just make sure that you take physics too (math physics, not regular) and then AP physics, because they're awesome classes.
Also, as to school work, it defenetly decreases. This year, i barely do anything at home (but i do have 3 SH a week...), and last year it wasn't much diffrent.
And on one final note, I am a (self) certified math tutor in good practice, so if you ever want any help, i'd be glad =P
Hi rushi
Nice blog!:) You sound just like me a few years ago though I can't say I've changed much.:P
I still can't figure out whether to be a journalist coz its so hard. ( am in college)I hope u figure out what u wanna do.
Most important thing in life is the ability to adjust. In any situation, geographical or emotional, life is nothing but a series of adjustments. You don't actually have to compromise on anything at all. (because adjustments do not equal compromise) Being flexible in thoughts, words and to some extent actions, is the key to adjustments. By the way adjustments are challenging and anything that is challenging has rewards implicit and inbuilt. After learning to adjust, you should learn to focus. Focus, unidirectional and singleminded is very important in achieving what you want to. Without this you cannot concentrate, hence you cannot think coherently and when your thoughts go out of focus it becomes like a picture you cannot see because you guessed right, it is out of focus. Hence the learning point is that you should make adjustments, not compromises and learn to focus to achieve your goals in a unidirectional and singleminded manner. Once you can do that things begin to fall in place and success becomes yours for the taking. Don't ever shortchange yourself or underestimate your potential and intelligence. Be positive to yourself and with and for yourself. Once your learn to be positive optimism embraces you and you start finding a new meaning in life that had hitherto eluded you. I make it sound easy but it is indeed challenging but so is life and once again if you don't get challenged you lose interest and you lose the very purpose and joy of living. So the learning point is that you should adjust, stay focused and accept challenges to add a sense of contentment to your life. Again, once you can achieve or even try to achieve that, you start feeling better with and about yourself. So best of luck young lady. Your very near and dear one.
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