Many Musings of Aarushi

......I guess you could say, my grandpa died.

Yeah. Um. yeah....

My Dada, my dad's dad, died.. like 2 hours ago.
I don't really kow what to do with myself.
It's not as if we were ever close... it's just that... I always wanted to be. I always thought we should be, if not for his stupid.. whatthefuck was it.. degenerative brain illness.
ugh.

it's just like, he's been dying my whole life, slowly... it's been hurting all of those around him, and he's not been himself for at least 10 or 15 years. but all this time, i've known he'd been dying, but i never thought he would actually,...die.

It's stupid I know. but i still thought that like... I don't know. Like I always kind of had this wish that he could get better.
And I don't know.... like, I never really knew him. He was the once brilliant grandfather.. but I only knew him to be sick, in bed, distant.

Over the past year, my dad visited India like 2 times... because his state had been worsening. He'd been getting worse and worse, forgetting how to swallow, moving his food tubes around, getting skinnier and skinnier...
And uh, he went to India yesterday...
but then.. today, just after my guitar lesson, I was complaining about Karen and how my teacher keeps telling me we haven't paid when we have, and my mom said, "Papa has reached." and I was like, "Oh cool! So, do you want to go to Qdoba?"
and then she says that he called her about an hour ago.. to let her know that my dad woke up in the middle of the night and came to see if my Dada needed anything... and then.. he died... he was asleep. and.. it was peaceful.. it was one breath.

and I don't know.. I felt so stupid.
Like... I don't know..
And then, I, well, like, my brother
he..we picked him up from karate.. and he didn't even know yet. and he was happy. and then my parents' friends were there.. and I was in tears and
i don't know.
It just hurt, you know?
For everyone. My dad, especially.

I mean, I realized that I'd been the worst daughter in the world. Every single time I was disrespectful.. I mean, my dad lost his dad.
I couldn't even deal with a week of separation from mine.
I don't know.
I just don't know.

And for all the family members, for my grandmother...
for them all, it's a relief, sort of, they'd been taking care of him for so long.
But he hasn't been himself.
I don't know.