Many Musings of Aarushi

I think I'm seriously considering getting psychological help.

Today I cried over my bed.
Well actually over my room. I don't know why.
We've recently moved into a new house. This is everything that we've been working towards for the past 2 years. My parents have been obsessed with my new house, always stressed out, always burdened by finances. And now we finally live here.
We still have to pay two mortgages until our other house gets sold.
But yeah. I had to move school districts in September and start going to Memorial High School, which, yeah, was an adjustment.
I'm pretty much in my routine and have made friends, and all that jazz, but...I don't know.
I feel like I don't know myself at all anymore. I used to be so completely sure of myself all the time. Now I'm uncertain and unconfident and I have about 50 inferiority complexes and I'm passive aggressive and I've discovered that I actually do things subconsciously to make myself fail.

and so, today... the third or so day that i'm spending the night at my new house.. my dad tried to move my bed.
I've been sleeping right next to a window, which my mother has been complaining about because she's had disturbing dreams about people falling out of windows and my dad came to my room unannounced, and yeah, I haven't even done my homework yet and he just came in, upsetting my peace and went, "We have to move your bed." and then he put it at this ridiculous diagonal and I can't even think in my room in the first place and I don't know why, I got sooo angry. I made him go away and close the door and moved my bed back against the wall and moved my shelf to the other side of the room and moved my boom box.
I was overcome by this feeling of being overwhelmed by life. And whenever I feel overwhelmed or freaked out, I have no idea where to turn or what I'm even talking about anymore. I feel so unsafe and like I can't reach anyone who'll make me feel secure. One person, all year, has made me feel secure... but that completely backfired and... I don't think I'll ever be completely safe again. And I keep analyzing myself and feeling unable to do anything I don't feel like doing or even talk to people who I like. I'm not depressed or anything... I'm just anxious.
And I'm really sick of dealing with it myself. I feel like I might implode. I really really want to be psychoanalyzed..because I'd really like to know how to fix myself.