You are not unbeautiful.

Feel like you're just a few pounds over where you'd like to be?
Do you have fat thighs?
Is your nose too long, your forehead too high, your skin too pasty?

Never fear.
You're not unbeautiful.

You are not any less beautiful if you are a different shape than someone else.
You are not any less beautiful if you're a different color, gender, or blood type.
You are not less beautiful because you wear tennis shoes instead of ballet flats, if you're a size 10 rather than 4, if you have a pimple or if you have a scar.
Don't let anyone tell you that you are.

If someone else is beautiful, it doesn't mean that you're not.
If because someone else gets attention, it doesn't mean that you won't.
Life is not an endless competition, and everyone has beauty.

And because everyone has beauty... you know that it doesn't matter that much.

Don't let someone tell you that you're less than someone else.
Don't let yourself feel that way either.
Know your worth, and so will the world.

Don't change yourself for anyone else. Don't stay upset when you don't have to.

I adore this woman.
Finally a lady rock star, with grace and talent, who can also write a beautiful song.
We are so underrepresented.

A word to all girls who want bouncy curls

To avoid fluffbunny frizzy lizzies... rinse; lather; but for god's sake, DON'T repeat.

no regrets

Frequently I find myself wishing I could go back and live it again, knowing then what I know now...
but I fear that I could too easily kill myself redoing it.
Yes life is ridden with mistakes, but I wonder where I would be now if I hadn't made them, or if I had made even worse mistakes just trying to avoid those I've made.

There's something beautiful about new beginnings between old friends.

What do you do when you put all your eggs in one basket?

What do you do when you've spread yourself too thin?
Which one are you supposed to do?
Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
Don't focus your energy on too many things.
I've been told many a time, to do neither. I personally am a big fan of the first tidbit of advice, it makes sense, it works.
But what if your basket is so sturdy, that you naturally, over time, put your eggs in it, because you feel you can really trust it...?
And what if you can't see it, but your basket is really being infected with this icky mold stuff and by the time you realize it, it's already broken through the bottom and all your eggs are slowly crashing to the ground?
I have been one to stretch myself too thin. And sometimes, if my basket breaks, everything else falls too.
I put too much faith in people and baskets and all such things.
What if you'll still keep the basket, even if it's broken... what if you want to nurse it back to health?
but what if you can't? what if it's just beyond repair?
Life is not something I could begin to fathom, even if as a child, I truly believed that I could.
Life is not something I could qualitate, no matter how hard I've tried.
Because I've always believed that I could save someone, that I could help them, that I could fix them, that I could...
And I've always believed that if I cared enough...If I knew enough, I could save the world..
But the world has opinions of its own.

Self Help.

I really suck at getting my way. So I've decided...

Screw being nice.

Really. It's true. I want to be manipulative. Manipulative people always get what they want. They think of something, and they go out and get it.
Not because they deserve it, but because they really want it. They are ruthless.

I want to be ruthless.

I'm not kidding. I am so sick of being so nice that everyone feels like they can walk all over me.
I am so sick of being too modest. I am sick of being underestimated.
Because you know what?

i am damn good at what everything i do.

and I'm kind of sick of pretending I don't know it. My sister always told me to not parade my goodness, to let people figure it out for themselves.
But I don't trust other people that much anymore. I am going to shove my awesomeness down other people's throats from now on. And they're going to like it. I'm going to sing loudly when I want to, I am going to answer questions, I am going to act like I'm as smart as I am, and I'm going to stop downplaying my successes by acting like it was easy or acting like I didn't deserve it.

Because I do deserve it. I work damn hard, and I'm proud of it.

I'm incredible, I know it, and I want everyone else to know as well. I've decided.


Why am I so incredible, you ask?

• I am smart... which means a lot of things.
  
• I have much knowledge. I know a little bit about almost everything, I can have not only lazy fun discussion, but dazzingly intellectual banter.
  
• I'm funny and you know it.
• I'm an excellent conversationalist.
• I am an excellent listener.
• I'm a good friend to the point where it's not good for me.
• I can sing in natural tune and natural pitch and I don't falter or sing off-key, ever.
  
• I am kind and always honest.
• I have a good speaking voice. Not only am I very articulate, I have good diction, and I have a pleasant tone, and I can speak loudly when I need to.
  
• I have a good voice, otherwise, for instance, when I am writing. You can hear my voice in your head, can't you? I know what words to say to express my emotions, and I am very eloquent.
  
• I can harmonize like a fiend.
  
• I am friendly, and always willing to talk to anyone.
• I care about people, and their problems. I give very good advice in a very non-condescending way.
  
• I am observant. I see people for what they are, not for what they appear to be.
• I am introspective.
  
• I am a good kisser.
  
• I have expressive eyes and nice skin. Also, I'm curvy in a sometimes good way, and my eyes are a nice color and I always smell good and my skin is soft and my nose is very unintimidating.
  
• I'm good at impersonations (like impressions). They're funny.
  
• I write really good poetry and in short amounts of time. It sounds good and it's meaningful.
  
• And I write good speeches, and okay short stories and meaningful prose and funny IMs and long eloquent emails and touching hand drawn birthday cards.
• I rock at making mixed CDs.
  
• I'm very generous and don't ask much in return.
  
• I don't give up on people.
  
• I have a very powerful singing voice, not only because it is loud, or because it has a really good supported tone, and not even because it has personality, but because there is passion behind the words that I sing. Because everytime I really sing, I really feel it.
  
• I'm not really all that methodical, but I'm good.
  
• I'm impulsive in a good way.
  
• I'm a good debater.
• I'm very emotional, in a strong passionate kind of way.
  
• I can write good songs.
• I can draw pretty well.
• I have nice handwriting.
• I rock English essays.
• I can make people comfortable easily.
• I think a lot. And a lot of the time that's a good thing.
• I am good at speaking impromptu, singing impromptu and generally sounding like I know what I'm talking about.
• I am a good actress.
• I have a sense about music. I know what's right, I know what's wrong, I know if something's in the right key, I know what sounds right.
• I'm really practical too.
  
• I have a sense about people. I can see through past appearances and I have a good eye for knowing what's going on with someone. I know what people want, and I know why people are the way they are.
  
• I have an analytical mind, and I organize ideas well.
  
• I work really well under pressure.
• I dress well. Not like everyone else. Most everything I wear is an artistic expression, because I love color and I love looking good.
  
• My room is pink. :)
• I have a song lyric database in my head.
• I know a lot about music, a lot about music history, albums, bands. Chances are, I've heard of it.
  
• I'm good at concepts.
  
• I'm not afraid to say what I am thinking.
• I care. More than anything, I care, too much.
  
• I love other people, and I love life for what it is.
  
• I love.
  

But above all that, I deserve more than how I let others treat me.

Life's Not Fair.

This well quoted, and definitively true statement never does more than depress me.
I mean, why the hell not?
Life: not fair. School: not fair. Love: not fair. The Justice system: not fair.

Why can't we get what we want?
I usually just shrug and move on.
But somedays, the injustice is just so so prevalent that you just want to break something. The fact that something so harmless looking could bite you in the but
t.
And it's just like... Dammit, world. Give me a break. Tell the truth. Be fair. I'm a good person.
Why does it seem like everyone gets a break, but some people just get whatever they want, like they have more of a right to be happy than anyone else?

Maybe some of us just have higher standards for happiness.
In a just world, personal opinions don't count. In a just world, those with the most passion win over those who are emotionless and the people with the most talent beat out those who suck up the most. In a just world, mothers could keep their children, and Cyrano wouldn't have died before he got to marry the annoying high maintenance lady with the ugly sleeves.
But life's not fair and it's terrifying that we have to live with it.

The fact is, we'll never get the instant gratification of someone taking back what they did because it was so unfair. And no one knows how they're affecting you. We can't hit rewind, and our life doesn't have a voiceover, or some kind of plot twist where the mean cheerleader gets hit by a flying rhino, allowing the dorky, but beautiful heroine to be the lead in the musical.
We just have to live and let live, and remember that we really did deserve it.

"i'm not gonna lie, but.."

I absolutely HATE it when people say that phrase. "I'm not gonna lie, but..." or "Blahblahblah. I'm NOT gonna lie."
How did this get popular? Why is everyone saying it?
Like remember when everyone said, "No offense, but..."? Remember THAT was annoying?
So in this new century, have we switched over to this troublesome petty phrase?

Things that bug me about this phrase:

#1: How it reflects on you

"I'm not gonna lie, but.. "= "Normally, I would lie, but in this very special case, I'm making an exception for you!"
What? You're not going to lie? You're not? Really? Now, you're not? Well, okay. Now that you've told me that you're not lying. I guess... I'll believe you.

#2: You're never saying anything pleasant when you say it
"I'm not gonna lie, but.. you look really fat in that dress."
"I'm not gonna lie, but.. I was on my way to Einsteins this morning, and I saw your mother get eaten by a bear."
"I'm not gonna lie, but... I kicked a developmentally disabled child while they were petting a kitten."
"I'm not gonna lie, but... I just said that stupid phrase again and you want to shoot yourself."
It's almost become a prologue or a foreshadowing to life shattering events.

#3: ...except when it's just used to talk about petty stuff
In which case, it's still annoying as hell, because you were expecting it to be something bad or you were just SO annoyed by it. "I'm not gonna lie, but I fell asleep last night."
Thank you. Thank you for not lying. Thank you for your brutal honesty.

#4: when it's used for emphasis
"Those are amazing shoes, I'm not gonna lie"
If you wanted to emphasize the statement, just slap in a very, or a quite, or a completely, or a très, or a mui, or a really, or even a fucking.
Instead of using this terrible phrase, try using artful adjectives to imagery to emphasize your point.
"Those are fucking amazing shoes!"
"Those shoes are mui amazing."
"Those shoes are très magnifique."
"Those are some fine looking flats you have right there, missy."
"Snappy shoes!"
For the LOVE OF GOD (or whoever), people. BE CREATIVE.

#5: It used to be cool. But IT'S NOT anymore..
When not a lot of people used it, it was cool in an individual cute type of way. But now, that it's everywhere, people are getting closer to becoming the dull grey blobs that affluence creates. I google searched this term and I got 169,000 results. Watch as I google "Those are some fine looking flats you have right there, missy." Not one single result. Now, if I google "Aarushi", I'm one of the only results that comes up. This is because my name is very unique and original. Don't you want to be unique and original?

#6: It's used all the time.
I'll admit, I've said this before. Maybe like, twice. Since then, I have used it well, never.
Because everyone says it.. and therefore, it is so overused that it gets stuck in your head. It's like... any song off of American Idiot.

#7: It would not be cool if you said "going"
or if your mother said it.
or if Mrs. Commins said it.
If you're going to use a phrase that only some people can sound cool saying... then, you're probably not one of them.
Like, I don't say fo' shizzle and pull it off all the time.
I mean, 9 times out of 10 but still.

So please! Don't use it. Or if you use it, say "going". It makes you sound 509485948594x smarter. I'm not gonna lie.

Into this house, we're born. Into this world, we're thrown.

There's a killer on the road. His brain is squirmin' like a toad. Take a holiday. Let your children play. If you give this man a ride, sweet memory will die...There's a killer on the road. Girl you gotta love your man. Take him by the hand. Make him understand. The world on you depends, our life will never end. Girl, you gotta love your man. --Jim Morrison//The Doors

A wise man, he was. Jim Morrison, I mean. We are but, really, riders on the storm that is life. We're born into this house, and thrown into the world. And we're helpless to the killers on the road, and the loves to whom we must stay so true.
But if we let our guards down for even one second, something else will catch us in its grasp. Everything is swimming around us, trying not to get blown away in a gale, grabbing onto us for dear life, and only us, only you and only I can decide what we will let go of, and what we will hold even closer for warmth. And soon, there are so many of us together, being cast off into the storm, but so many of us can't all sail together forever, can we?
Some people keep us warmer than others, some people want us more. We're all a little helpless, submitted to the storm on which we can never stop sailing...

Basically, Chet's amazing.

Can you imagine a world without music, books, or family? Life would be as dull as 20 pencils being shared by 200 high school students doing ACTs without a sharpener. There would be no color, if there was no music. There would be only speaking and remembering if there were no books. There would be no culture, if there was no family. Nobody would have any individuality, because there would be no genes. Everybody would be the same: dull grey blobs. We are very fortunate to have these treasures and other treasures as well.

--Chaitannya Krishan Agni AKA Chet- my awesometastic little brother, in a school assignment about things that he treasures.

I said something today that kind of surprised myself.
i've been writing a speech on love, and since then it seemed to be the theme of my weekend.
i went to a wedding, i was in the presence of someone signifigant and it seemed to pop up in conversation more than usual.

but i think that love is when you're best friends with the person and you're loyal to them and you want what's best for them and you still get goosebumps sometimes.

The Shins album has been leaked!

This is Sufficiently neato.

http://www.myheritage.com

I am going to abrogate my old ways and lead an ascetic existence in order to avoid acrimony. I have tasted the acerbic taste of arrogation and now i am adumbrating a plan to earn myself approbation and free me from the aspersion of my peers, my parents and my teachers. I am through being the anathema, who has all the brains, but lacks the drive. I shall use my acumen with great alacrity and no one will be more assiduous than I.

I'm psyched for the new Shins album, entitled Wincing the Night Away, which will come out on January 23rd, 2007. A working title for it was also "Sleeping Lessons", both were in reference to James Mercer, the lead singer's, chronic insomnia. Once again, something that I share with the Shins.
James Mercer's descriptions of the songs do nothing but to not make me less excited. He describes "Phantom Limb", "The song is a hypothetical, fictional account of a young, lesbian couple in high school dealing with the shitty small town they live in.."
He says that a piano driven song, "Red Rabbits", will also appear along with "Spelling Lessons", "Spilled Needles" and "A Comet Appears".
He tells of how this new record will show how the Shins have "stretched", as the Sub Pop label has agreed to, as well.
Their most recent release, Chutes Too Narrow has sold 393,000 copies in the US.
This upcoming CD may be their last with Sub Pop records, as they have been receiving offers from larger record companies. Personally, I wish they didn't, as the Shins are one of the most solid indie bands, and if they stop being indie, we may have to redefine the genre. But ultimately, I shall still love them, even if they promote themselves to a higher level on the music chain. And everyone will still know that I heard them first, before Garden State.
I can't wait.

Sources:

Billboard, Wikipedia

I can't believe it.
It can't be true.
But I love LonelyGirl15!
Goddamn it.

So, I woke up this morning to the sound of my mother bitching into the phone at the ESL lady at Jefferson Middle School. And you know, my mom, soft spoken as she is, can really kick ass if provoked.

Recently, my mother went to go register Chet for his new middle school and she was finished with the registration part and was inquiring as to what else she should/was supposed to do. And so this random lady walks up to her and goes, "Oh You're Chaitannya's Mom! I've been meaning to call you about testing Chet for ESL."

Not being familiar with what ESL is, my mother responded enthusiastically, thinking that ESL was some kind of gifted English class for amazing kids like Chet. Upon realizing that ESL is, in fact, an English as A Second Language class, she tried to get him out of taking the test. And the lady asks, "But doesn't Chet have a different name?"

And my mom says, yeah, his name's Chaitannya, and we make everyone call him Chet because no one can pronounce his name. But that hardly means he can't speak English. And of course, annoying ESL lady was like, "No, it's required that children in homes that speak languages other than English and have funny names [people who are not white]have their skills tested." (They know that because my mother filled out a survey back in like, June, that said we spoke both languages at home, probably to make us look good.)

So of course my mother protested some more, and the lady pulled out some wacky state law, which I'm sure doesn't exist, or at least, doesn't apply to us, because we live in Verona. So she signs Chet up to take this stupid ESL test that's designed to make it look like people of other cultures are completely incompetent, when in fact, the kids of this culture have a hard enough time understanding English, without teachers ditching them to pay attention to the so-called challenged kids who obviously can't have a grasp on two languages at once.

And Chet can't even UNDERSTAND Hindi. Chet, being the most articulate 10 year old going into 6th grade in the entire world (this kid Google him, if you doubt the claim.), receives ridiculous praise from all people who know him about his amazing language skills. His essays get read to the class. My mother is in love with his handwriting. The people at College for Kids want to have his kids.And,just because we're not white, doesn't mean we can't speak English.

My parents speak English all the time. They're better at it than most senators, because they've been learning it since they were born as well. They know Oxford words. I won the spelling bee at my middle school. I got my 5th grade essays published in the school chronicles and published my own magazine in 5th grade. We're not stupid people. Not to mention that we're all amazingly gifted musically and academically. We can speak in multiple accents/dialects. We have good grammar. And just because we're educated, and know more languages than some people, we should have our abilities questioned? Just because Chet's name is simplified for folks who can't be bothered to pronounce his real name correctly? If we think that Chet can't speak English, then we'll put him in ESL ourselves. We're not going out of our way on a weekday, just to have my little brother objectified by a test that will eventually tell us what we already know. That Chet is the most amazingly talented English-speaking, American-born, Indian, 10-year-old sixth grader ever.

And my mom told them just that.
And the ESL lady didn't dare tell her otherwise.

The Most Self Absorbed You'll Ever See Me. (at 3:33 in the morning, no less)
I know this is completely narcissistic, but... I think that I'm beautiful.
Like, for serious, I do. Not all the time, of course. But secretly beneath my skin, beneath my insecurities and beneath all the time that I spend worrying about what I look like, I think I'm pretty smokin' hot. In fact, I may go as far as saying that I'm pretty much God's gift to all people who can see. And people who can hear, because I do have a lovely non-speaking voice.
So now that we have that out of the way.


It really really really bugs me, when other people don't think I'm pretty. I feel personally insulted. Like, really. I know it's all a matter of opinion and it's all about personality, but I feel as if it's so strikingly clear that I'm fabulous, that no one should even argue. I mean, what could be wrong with me?










me<--

brooke-->


I do tend to ask people what they think of my appearance quite a bit though. People think this is because I have low self esteem, but really, it has nothing to do with this. I just like to have my beauty affirmed by other people. A lot of the times I hope that they'll say something's pretty about me that I've never heard anyone notice before. This usually doesn't happen.

Sometimes, they'll grade me lower than expected. For example, I've been given a 6 out of 10, by about, 2 people. And they think it's a compliment. "YOU'RE ABOVE AVERAGE." is what they say, but what I think is, "Yeah, duh. I'm above average, but how much?" And 6 = bare minimum.
So if I'm bare minimum above average, than who's higher than me? I mean, I know I'm prettier than, say, Brooke Shields. And I know you're all like, "Omigosh, she just compared herself to Brooke Shields!" but you all know it's true. Celebrities are not any better than us, appearance wise, just because they're famous. I mean, grading myself, I'd say, I'm a 7.5. And I'd say Brooke is about a 7. Because we're talking in terms of beauty, not appeal, not popularity and not height. Yeah, sure, she's sexy.
Similarly, I get mad when I don't look as good as I normally do, or think is my ideal. And everyone else is like, "Oh, sweetheart, you look fine." But they don't know that I can look a million times better, and that this is bare minimum and a lot of the time bare minimum is not enough. Besides the fact that looking fine is not enough. For me, being beautiful and all.

But the thing is, people never realize how much looks don't matter. Because half my life was an awkward phase and half the time, I didn't even know it. Being pretty or whatever, has done absolutely nothing for me. I'm still a huge dork, whereas Brooke Shields isn't as pretty as me, and she's a total babe. It totally has nothing to do with looks at all. I mean, it seems that way, to the naked eye, but when you actually look, the people you think are pretty, aren't and the people you think are sexy, aren't much different from the people you don't think are sexy, and the people who you think are smart are just as smart as anyone else.

And just because you know that you're pretty, or just because you are, doesn't mean anyone else will think so.

And really, I don't always think I'm pretty. But I always think other people should think so. It would bug me to think that someone looked beyond my looks and decided to like my personality or something. I don't think anyone should have to deal with being treated like that. Because I think that a lot of people look good in different ways, and it really doesn't have a lot to do with the way they look, but really, who's looking at them. Because I've never seen an ugly person before.

i'm awake. and you're still sleeping. the sun will rise like yesterday. everything that we are now is everything we can't let go or it's gone forever, far away.

Today it occurred to me how easy it is to hide from others and from ourselves. We teach ourselves to believe that we shouldn't or don't feel a certain way... and then suddenly this tiny thing that we brush aside and keep far away in the depths of our conscious hits us in the face and we're stunned.
It is so so so easy for me to complete shut my parents out of my life. In fact, I notice myself doing it all the time. I long for the relationship with my parents that I see on Boy Meets World or Gilmore Girls, where their parents just sort of "got" them. I've wished countless times that my life were that simple. And sometimes, they do get me and then I realize that we're not so different, but it's only for a second and then, I'll ruin it by turning the music up too loud or something else that shows "complete disrespect for the house and the family".
The other day, I was online and it was like, 3 AM or something. And my mother was waking up, because that's when she normally starts her day. [She's crazy.] She, of course, expressed disbelief at my power to still be awake at 3 AM. She asked me what the hell I was wasting my time with on the computer at this hour. And I said I was doing something creative with one of my blogs. Then she said, "Why would you have a blog? That's like an online diary."
and I said, "Yeah. Cuz it is."
Then she said, "You won't tell us anything, but you'll tell a bunch of random strangers?" I didn't say anything. I was tempted to tell her to read my blog, just like everyone else, but I knew that having me confide something in them shouldn't be some huge deal. I mean, after all, they're my parents. Most of the time, anything that means anything is communicated after a long, thorough, drawn out, full-blown argument or at least, direct questioning until I finally scream out the response. It's not as though, I don't want them to know anything, it's just that I tell myself that they can only be using any information that they know against me, like they're interrogating me in a courtroom. But my parents are not unlike me. They build it up in their head, realizing that I won't open up, so they'll try to get the information forcefully. And it's one horrible vicious cycle, because I feel like I've not talked for so long, how can I start now?
I forget sometimes, I build a wall, sometimes, keeping them out. I notice how they're my worst critics, but not enough that they're my biggest fans. I feel like a hypocrite if I go on thinking I'm some wonderful communicator because I can talk and I say what's on my mind, if I can't even open up to my own parents. For so long, probably since 5th grade, it's all on a need to know basis with my parents. Like today, I went to my friend Caitlin's house to hang out and watch movies. I didn't tell my mom about it. Me and Caitlin had been talking about it for like, a whole week, but I just never got around to telling my mom, because I figured, there was no reason for her to know, because she wouldn't be my ride, and I got all my work done for her. And I figured.. why bother her? But the thing is, my mother wants to know. I don't tell my mother the simplest things, like the people I eat lunch with or what my favorite ice cream flavor is. And for some reason, I expect her to just know. I'm insane. I know it. And I'm lucky. I'm lucky that my parents want to know what's going on in my life. I wish I wasn't so terrible about it. I know so many people who's parents don't ask and don't tell. And I think, how ... empty it must feel. And here I am, with my interactive family, just keeping them out. I feel terrible for having wasted them for so long. I've realized lately that you don't get to keep everything forever, so you better use them really well when you got 'em. I don't want my parents to slip away from me.