Notes To Self

I'm surprised at myself. I have found myself in the midst of an epidemic of personal distress and trauma in the form of the junior year of high school (plagued with SAT scores, ACTs, tests, progress reports and APs) and I have lost myself in it. I've suddenly realized what I have become... I've become a stressed out inconsiderate bratty blotchy blob.
This is not the person I want to be, let alone be friends with. I have gone crazy in my own mind and I'm hoping to win this internal war. I have dreams for myself, lying in the warm grass on a summer afternoon, looking at the blue sky and feeling the calm. I want to buy a digital camera and take really amazing pictures of the sunset or go to a record store and just listen. I want to be who I want to be, and feel how I want to feel, and care about more than looking good on a sheet of paper.
I am a person and not a number, and I sometimes forget that I need to be considerate and that I need to be selfless and that you can't be described as selfless if you're selfless less of the time. I need to get my groove back, basically. It's not that I am a different person as much as I'm not acting like the person that I am.
I am experiencing cognitive dissonance, and strong stress that makes me regress and act like a two year old. But I am not two years old. I am almost a woman and the world is a cold freezing place that I promised to myself I would make warmer. I wonder sometimes how I could've changed so much.
It's easy to get lost in the world of paper and numbers and not remember how it feels to roll down a hill or to look at the cloud formations in the sky. These little wonderful things that we did seem so mythical now. But they're not. It's so easy to bask in a moment, if we can clear our heads for long enough. It's so easy to calm down and listen to the song, if we stop long enough to really hear it.