Friday, August 20, 2010

self-sabotage

you know it well.

as humans, we know what's best for us.

for example, if i have a big test this thursday (i don't), i know it would behoove me to study. but instead, i often just procrastinate until i near the point of no return.
why do i do this? maybe i like the drama.
maybe the thought of improving my life or myself in some way summons in me a fear of change. maybe i fear that if i get what i want i'll miss something else, or somehow be unhappy.

i'm kind of sick of this self-sabotage thing. too often do i look at life as a win-lose situation... i think that if i gain something, i inevitably lose something else.
i don't know if that's necessarily true.

lately i've just been in this spin where i waste all my time thinking and worrying about my problems and not doing anything (save a few runs) about it. so many things are fixed by taking the initiative, by focusing outward, by remembering the big picture. i'm always apologizing to people, but the person i really need to apologize to is myself. i can't think of life with this "oh what will they think of me" "oh am i doing this right?" mentality. i just have to figure things out by myself and instead of saying "sorry i made you have to do this," i should say, "thank you for doing this for me."

i need to stop thinking about what i have to say and just say it sometimes. i need to feel rather than think.
i can't just worry about whether or not i have what it takes to make someone care about me. i just have to be someone who i would want to care about.

and who is that person?
that is someone who is kind and selfless. someone who is courteous and gentle. someone who takes pleasure in simplicity, but appreciates and comprehends complexity. someone who sees beauty in roughness and reality. someone who is just friendly. someone who will do something even if the end-result is not clear. someone who is strong enough to ask for what they want. someone who sings to himself despite not knowing the words or the melody. someone who doesn't mind spending a day alone. someone who is innately curious. someone who reads. someone who believes that people are inherently good. someone who believes in love. someone who is content with waiting for what they want. someone who makes the most of things. someone who sees the value in others.

i'm gonna work this new attitude.

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