so i've written a few posts that haven't really panned out and thus have gone unpublished.
and here you thought, aarushi's blog is so stream-of-conscious! she just writes whatever she thinks ever. not so, my friends. it's actually all very scripted like those reality tv shows where humiliating acts of depravity are theatrically reenacted for the cameras.
whenever a post is filled with inside jokes or is otherwise unintelligible or half-formed i try not to post it. but i don't really have any hard-and-fast rules, or really a filter. feel free to disregard everything i've ever said.
BUT ANYWAY.
i am up very late again, and i don't know who to blame (myself). i just can't get my thoughts to quiet down and hence, blog entry. the amount of confusion i'm having about what to put into a blog entry is implicative of the fact that i don't have enough stories to tell, or enough mind to think interesting thoughts at rest.
i don't know what's wrong with me, but i am constantly thinking of how bad i am at thinking of interesting things. others would call this being bored. but it's not boredom as much as it is a lack of interest in the world and a sort of reversion into pre-existing thought ruts. alas.
it is not untrue that there are a million things i find interesting. the problem these days is that i have not been excavating them. after the whole sri lanka trip fell through (public health + immunosuppressed body = no public health for you missy), all of my big ideas have kind of lost momentum.
maybe it's this country.
petty, i know, to blame geography. except that it's not petty, tom.
like it or not, geography is intimately and weirdly connected to how the entire world lives- a fact that i realize is both duh-worthy and profound. it is geography that inspired the europeans to colonize the uncharted world, and geography that kept china from doing the same. (the british didn't have anything in terms of natural resources and not that much in terms of manpower, so they had to search for there supper.)
geography and water decided where the hubs would be, and decided that pretty much no one lives in wyoming. it is geography that makes some white people obsessed with tanning and indian people crave fairness of the skin.
geography decided things like the placement of the rivers that gave rise to the movement of (lots of) people to the water sources that gave rise to cities, where so much happens thanks to the thousands of people that built stores and businesses and started families, and specialized and innovated and created centers of entertainment.
well that was a weird digression. what i meant was that i'm craving a place where the concentration of life is higher. i want to go some place that's the opposite of wyoming, and most certainly the opposite of the american midwest where i live with an IV hooked from my arm into the computer, where i'm addicted to the comfort and amenities of medium-sized town life and the friendships i've had since childhood and the destination of medium success and a relatively small sphere of influence. some place where i engage with people every day, some place where there is bustling and noise, kind of like india.
becca is in kenya right now, and the thought of it induces flashbacks to my summer trip to india circa post-junior year of high school. everyday i'd come home exhausted with so many thoughts in my head. but not the achey can't-sleep-but-want-to-but-haven't-mentally-tired-myself-enough kinds of thoughts, but the discovery, confusion, exciting thoughts, like what is normal here and how is it different from my normal? and isn't it amazing how little you really need to be happy and invigorated?
those days i couldn't shut my blog thoughts down. and i was doing things and i was helping things out. i never want to become a selfish jackass who just pads my comfortable lifestyle with blue-ray discs and copies of the new yorker. fat talk, i know. i fear not being able to live up to my own high-brow, snot-faced aspirations.
as much as i claim to embrace change, i also fear it intensely. that's normal i guess-- i don't want the good things to go away. it's funny though, because sometimes i do want better things to replace them. i just... can't decide what.
hello opportunity cost, my old friend
here we reach the impasse we always reach. where will i take the leap?
and here you thought, aarushi's blog is so stream-of-conscious! she just writes whatever she thinks ever. not so, my friends. it's actually all very scripted like those reality tv shows where humiliating acts of depravity are theatrically reenacted for the cameras.
whenever a post is filled with inside jokes or is otherwise unintelligible or half-formed i try not to post it. but i don't really have any hard-and-fast rules, or really a filter. feel free to disregard everything i've ever said.
BUT ANYWAY.
i am up very late again, and i don't know who to blame (myself). i just can't get my thoughts to quiet down and hence, blog entry. the amount of confusion i'm having about what to put into a blog entry is implicative of the fact that i don't have enough stories to tell, or enough mind to think interesting thoughts at rest.
i don't know what's wrong with me, but i am constantly thinking of how bad i am at thinking of interesting things. others would call this being bored. but it's not boredom as much as it is a lack of interest in the world and a sort of reversion into pre-existing thought ruts. alas.
it is not untrue that there are a million things i find interesting. the problem these days is that i have not been excavating them. after the whole sri lanka trip fell through (public health + immunosuppressed body = no public health for you missy), all of my big ideas have kind of lost momentum.
maybe it's this country.
petty, i know, to blame geography. except that it's not petty, tom.
like it or not, geography is intimately and weirdly connected to how the entire world lives- a fact that i realize is both duh-worthy and profound. it is geography that inspired the europeans to colonize the uncharted world, and geography that kept china from doing the same. (the british didn't have anything in terms of natural resources and not that much in terms of manpower, so they had to search for there supper.)
geography and water decided where the hubs would be, and decided that pretty much no one lives in wyoming. it is geography that makes some white people obsessed with tanning and indian people crave fairness of the skin.
geography decided things like the placement of the rivers that gave rise to the movement of (lots of) people to the water sources that gave rise to cities, where so much happens thanks to the thousands of people that built stores and businesses and started families, and specialized and innovated and created centers of entertainment.
well that was a weird digression. what i meant was that i'm craving a place where the concentration of life is higher. i want to go some place that's the opposite of wyoming, and most certainly the opposite of the american midwest where i live with an IV hooked from my arm into the computer, where i'm addicted to the comfort and amenities of medium-sized town life and the friendships i've had since childhood and the destination of medium success and a relatively small sphere of influence. some place where i engage with people every day, some place where there is bustling and noise, kind of like india.
becca is in kenya right now, and the thought of it induces flashbacks to my summer trip to india circa post-junior year of high school. everyday i'd come home exhausted with so many thoughts in my head. but not the achey can't-sleep-but-want-to-but-haven't-mentally-tired-myself-enough kinds of thoughts, but the discovery, confusion, exciting thoughts, like what is normal here and how is it different from my normal? and isn't it amazing how little you really need to be happy and invigorated?
those days i couldn't shut my blog thoughts down. and i was doing things and i was helping things out. i never want to become a selfish jackass who just pads my comfortable lifestyle with blue-ray discs and copies of the new yorker. fat talk, i know. i fear not being able to live up to my own high-brow, snot-faced aspirations.
as much as i claim to embrace change, i also fear it intensely. that's normal i guess-- i don't want the good things to go away. it's funny though, because sometimes i do want better things to replace them. i just... can't decide what.
hello opportunity cost, my old friend
here we reach the impasse we always reach. where will i take the leap?
1 comment:
wow you were up late, even for you.
you think of interesting things. that geography bit was really profound, and interesting. like skin color being tied to geography. i would think though it's social geography that really put in the desirability scale, and physical geography that made it possible.
i totally know how you feel! it's like living in madison is getting stuck in some comfortable mind-rut, where horizons aren't immediately pushed, you settle into accepting rather than constantly moving...some direction. but maybe there's more to be found and engaged in here, when you pick a level to be thoroughly involved in. and maybe thinking there's not is just as much acceptance.
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