Thursday, January 12, 2012

these days i wake up and i just want to go back to sleep

but then i have to get myself up, get myself out, and then i feel better again. 

i know slowly this will get better, even if nothing makes sense right now. sometimes i just get lost in the fact that break makes it so there's nothing to do unless i initiate it on my own. sometimes i get crippled by go-nowhere relationships- the fact that they don't work convinces me that nothing works. but things work, like my ability to move, and move on. 

i played the guitar for 2 hours today, or what felt like two hours. i can feel myself getting better. i recognize chords more, how they're positioned and shaped, it's even getting a little bit easier to change between them. i can feel myself becoming better even though there's no real proof of it. it just feels a tiny bit easier. i feel stupider now when i play the easy songs. i find myself hungering for songs that let me try new barres, or faster switches. as a challenge, i played one of the songs my band plays, and it actually didn't sound too awful. i hope that someday i will know this big log well enough to make my own songs out of it. 

i figure that's what rebuilding things is like- it comes one day at a time, one song at a time, it slowly gets a tiny bit better. that's really the only way to get better, by a tiny chunk at a time. nothing that really sticks with you can happen all that quickly, except for getting a job, or that boost in oxytocin you get after kissing someone. in general, life is kind of slow and gradual, but wonderful all at the same time. i know someday soon i'll wake up fixed, and i won't even realize it. tomorrow i'll wake up better than i was today, and one day i'll wake up and this knot in my heart will have finally completely dissolved.

i decided i'm not the type of person that wants greatness to happen quickly, as much as it pains me to have to wait. when good things are thrown at me, i fumble and i don't know what to do. i need them to be tossed slowly into my hands. i want to step toward them faithfully, having decided that they're what i truly want. i have to practice being good, getting better one day at a time so that when something truly amazing happens, i'm prepared and welcome to it. 

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