Wednesday, December 14, 2011

breaking up

it's no walk in the park. i am usually the master of distracting myself from shit by using my really resilient memory and my ability to pretend that putting nice things on my wall and play songs with myself on the guitar are roughly equivalent to always having a willing dance and songwriting partner. 

something about now is getting to me. i just listen to the wrong song, and get all lost in my thoughts. suddenly i get flashes of things like seattle streets and kosher bagel places that look eerily like einstein bagels but make better, spicier, tomatoey-er bagels. suddenly i feel like i ruined everything good i ever knew. i can't listen to music anymore. the songs i used to love and connect with now describe the pain of a lost love and a feeling that is now only a memory. i know i'm not saying anything new. 

it's like that awful feeling you get when the only person who can truly make you feel better is the person you can't talk to. it's also awful to feel like you don't have control over when you're going to get some intense emotional reaction to something stupid that's going to stop you from being able to study. it's also sucky that they're replacing that bagel place with just einstein's because then they will get rid of that other, better bagel. it sucks that you will talk to other people about your feelings but they won't be able to wrap their arms around you and make you feel like you're 100% again. they do what they can, and i love them for it. so much. 

i knew it had to happen. we both did. 




one day all this pain will make sense

1 comment:

becca said...

love you. i wish you felt 100% when i hugged you but i know it's hard. i hope it makes sense for you someday, and some day soon. just know that time heals all wounds, as cliche as that is, but today, yesterday, this horrible week will all fade into the long story of your life and you'll feel like the low points were just paths that had to be walked to get to the high ones. just look at what you've learned about yourself! you have so many friends, acquaintances and family members who love you and care for you and we will all spend all of those free hours with you! listening to you, some of us dispensing free advice (i've probably put like 2 bucks worth of 2 cents in, but i know that's why you love me), getting coffee, or silently studying the hours away.
i love you, i hope you know that when i'm harsh it's because i care. (with a little bit of 'i always think i'm right' mixed in). things will look up. i'm always here for you if you need it.