Saturday, September 20, 2003

You know it's about 2:30 AM my time and I'm sitting at my computer starting a blog. I don't even know why. In the backround I hear the loud Indian channel and a very enthusiastic voiceover talking very loudly about what a wonderful channel it is. My mother and father are of course, asleep. But I know that if I dare turn off the TV they will wake up and scream and shout about me staying up too late when I'm already ill. I slept for 3 hours this morning (stayed home from school)! How can they expect me to keep perfect hours? when they don't.. The world is so full of hypocrites.
For example, I was talking to this girl and she was talking about how she doesn't base everything on looks. One mutter of a guy and it's a sudden, "You can't like him! He's not hot!" Then she says she's not a hypocrite therefore proving furthermore that she is one. Then she talks about how awful someone else is. It's so funny how you can talk about someone and show no mercy but if it's you, you get all defensive! I always try to consider different sides of every story before opening my (very big) mouth.
I guess the reason I wanted to have a blog is that I can talk all I want. Speak my mind. Nobody can censor me!!!!! I got the POWER!!!
Sorry..
It's strange, but I do all of my thinking at night. Even in the summer when I have nothing to think about and all the time in the world to think.
I HATE summer! All my friends go off to foreign countries or just New York for vacation and I'm stuck at home. Alone. (Okay I did a summer drama class and a day long babysitting course and maybe my friends weren't unavailable the entire summer but I tell you it was torture!) All the interesting people filled their calendar's with interesting things. Leaving me with a nearly empty social calendar and nothing to do except envy those preps who, though aren't interesting, at least have SOME (really annoying and pretensious) people to hang out with. I swear I was that desperate.
I did get a lot of thinking done over the summer. I mean you're sitting in an empty room with nothing to do. Watching TV makes you feel like you have no life. Magazines make you jealous. Computer makes you seem like you're isolated and far far away from the outside world.. Depressing. So you think. Since nothing's really happening. You go over all your memories. You laugh and you cry and you feel enlightened. You figure things out. You look at things in a different light. You realize how seriously screwed up the world is. And you want to start again.
I think I came back to school this year, a lot more put together. More confident. Willing to dodge every rock that was thrown at me. I mean I'd rather be back at school (which is full of annoying conformists who think you're worse than the dirt they pick out from under their perfect nails) than at home. That thought comforts me. And scares the hell out of me.
I just sneezed on the keyboard. God I got something nasty. My throat is as dry as a freakin desert and will not be helped by water. I should get some sleep.
Sometimes I wish I wasn't a slightly abnormal american (well originally from india) teenager. I wish I was a child star or a prima donna or a princess or an adventurer who lives in africa.. something different.. something cool. Something far far away from here. Far away from the drab of an ordinary life. I'd rather eat grasshoppers than live here.. I wanna be out there learning, experiencing, sharing my knowledge with the world. I'm not a sit down person. I'm an action kind of person.
I can't wait to fall in love, even if only for a little while. To feel a sense of belonging. To be loved. I can't wait to have another crush. To feel the glow that your crush is actually laughing with you. I'm young. I shouldn't be thinking about these things.. but oh how I wish.
I'm different. Yet the same. I'm just like everyone else, but different. I see things differently. I talk differently. I pay more attention and I look at things more closely. What if I hadn't read Harry Potter? Would I have been the same person? Would I have looked the same? I think that's the reason why half the world thinks I'm the strangest person who ever walked the planet. Because in a way I sort of am. I don't know. It's late.
A lot of people think I'm more different than I actually am. They sometimes think I don't like the same kind of TV or listen to the same music. (well the same station, I hate that annoying selling drugs and sex music.. damn music industry.) They think that when I get home I sit around reading science textbooks. I sit around and watch tv when I get home. It doesn't occur to them that if you look at things more closely if you pay more attention you come to a mental state that can be described as me. I swear half of them think that there isn't more to life then dating and music and hanging out.
Some people think that I'm a goody-two-shoes teacher's pet perfect girl. I'm not! I swear! I ditch studying, I hated my sixth grade teacher and I would never wear mary janes. I'm not saying that I'm a bad girl. I'm just saying that I speak my mind. If the teacher is cool, I'll like her and I'll be nice to her. I get good grades because I'm smart. I raise my hand because there is such a thing as a participation grade. I do read lots of books. Comedy books, horror books and Harry Potter. Not the dictionary of quantum physics (what is/are quantum physics? I heard a mention on TV before but I have no clue.. I'm guessing it has something to do with physics).
I swear all people do is judge. They never stop and take a double take. Someone once told me that I am "quite a character." I never really knew what that meant until this stage of life. I'm not your average kid with headphones on a bus. I'm the kid who's singing so loud, the busdriver's now deaf. In a manner of speaking of course. He never was deaf. But I did get a lot of complaints.
THe fact is I'm different. I think when god was handing out quirks he gave me a few hundred too many. You can hate me, you can shun me. Or you can embrace the fact that I'm not normal as every other person is. You can call me amazing, you can call me weird. I'm both of those things and lots more. I'm still gonna be me. (after school special ending. what can i say? it's late.)
Feeling of the moment: liberated
Theme song of the moment: Me vs. World by the Halo Friendlies, Take me Away by Christina Vidal
wearing: pink cami that i got in india, angel pants

1 comment:

Crazy! said...

wow...i can relate to you in some ways. i agree with you! it seems all people do IS judge! this one girl asks me: "OKAY! Is doing good in school all you think about and all you think matters! 'cause it's not!" WTF? First of all, I do think about school but not all the time and it's not the only thing that matters. Second, who is she to tell me that school isn't the only thing that matters...I ALREADY KNOW! geeesh...i hate it when people give me advice when i already know stuff or i just really don't wanna get advice...or just not get any advice from THEM. thank you for listening aarushi...you are my new found soul sister...JUST KIDDING.