The dashboard melted but we still have the radio

I know no one is listening, but sometimes when I say things they mean so much more than how it looks. I feel like that one relationship psychologist who looked at micro-expressions on couples' faces that determined their potential divorceness in Malcom Gladwell's Blink was probably onto something. I feel that my life is kind of movie-like in that you could tell how I was feeling pretty easily if you weren't there and if you watched me closely enough like those cameras that capture every angle and expression and twitch. We give movies a lot of crap for not being like reality, but I think that most of those movies about people are somewhat realistic even if the people are uglier in real life and wear sillier clothing and commit political, social and fashion faux pas. To that person, she looked that beautiful. Who is to say that someone's life is not like a movie without the cutting?

I tend to look at things through my own weird paradigm of confusion. I have to say that I pretend to have shit under control in my head more than I should because I can't deal with the idiocy of having sinful thoughts that don't make any sense. I'm worried that when people look at me, they can tell how much my drive reducing tendencies are affecting my actions and what exactly I want and if and how it differs from reality. I wonder if I say things because I want them to be true and whether that's a bad thing or whether they really are true but I'm not totally confident about it.

But mostly I'm wondered that I'm not gonna wake up because it is already 4:05 am. I also wonder:

• if when we think a song in our head it is in the key it's supposed to be in, and why we can hear it in our head but not really be able to totally remember what it is if we try to think about it too hard
• if anyone notices what i look like besides me when I walk around
• if Cosmo ever really knows what it's talking about
• whether being feminist is just one of those things that people do because it sounds good but they actually passively just think that women should have equal rights, and how far it can go before you're just crazy and how liberal you can be about it before you're not a feminist
• whether it's actually derogatory for a guy to use the word "bitch" and why it's okay for "bitch" magazine to be called bitch magazine and also if it's the same way with the n-word
• if a non-athletic guy and an athletic girl could ever be together in harmony, or vice versa-- what causes us to be compatible anyway?
• why the songs off of my favorite artist's worst records are still better than anything i could ever write. also, why i can feel so deeply but never be able to put it in the perfect words when i want to be able to.
• if anyone will ever read this and relate to it
• why, after everything, people still give me a chance
• why turning off your emotions and screwing up your heart into a tight knot is still much worse than feeling all of your blobby emotions that can just be so frustrating to have re-listen to like a top 40 hit gone terribly sour from being replayed in every department store, coffee shop, airport, restaurant, and party you ever go to.
• whether it's okay to finish a sentence with a preposition.
• who gives a fuck about an oxford comma?