2010. a retrospective.

So here I am. I'm in an empty house that has recently been vacated by a few of the better friends I have in the world. My sister and brother are away and there's some intense Nine Inch Nails shuffling on the Bose speakers in the background. The only thing that's novel about this moment is that it's a time that it never has been before-- which is the single most redundant thing I could ever say, I know. Also. It's a straight-up lie, because it's kind of weird that I'm listening to the Bose speakers late at night with my iPod, because I'm usually never alone this late in my house.

In any case, all mood-making language aside, it's a new year and I'm, for the moment, alone in my thoughts.

Queen's "Somebody to Love" has come up in the shuffle. The thing about this song is that I don't know if it will ever not affect me. My dad would say that what's so effective about it is Freddie Mercury's perfect mastery of pitch. Not note-naming-wise, but in the fact that he can just perfectly hit every note in a piercing, yet effortless manner. I'm not sure if it's just that. There's something about the resilience of the song, "I've just gotta get out of this prison cell, someday I'm gonna be free!" and the build-up that crescendos into a descant of voices layering over one another. I'm a sucker for that musical canon. There's just something about the melody starting so small and building into something that everyone can join in on that for me sounds like a metaphor for life. It takes one voice to raise an idea that can change the world. (Inception!)

I think 2010 was a good year, partly because it taught me a lot about what I love, but it was not about finding "somebody" as much as it was about finding out "what." To be clear, finding out more about what I love does not transfer to me being an expert in something or even knowing what I want to do later in life. But it magnetized my compass, and now I feel like I can head toward some kind of direction. I still have ways, ways, ways to go. I need to focus and I need to do more.

Significant things that happened in 2010:
1. The Rose Lights, and the gaining of momentum, and the productivity, and the friendships fanned.
2. I made right choices even though it was difficult for me.
3. I excelled and didn't excel in school. Regardless, I learned a lot.
4. My boy-crazy side resurfaced. Also, I found out I don't have a type.
5. People who I never really noticed became important to me.
6. I passed a couple of milestones.
7. I learned that for better or worse you can't un-learn something. You can only amend the way you think about things.
8. I became a radio DJ with one Becca Gollman at my side.
9. I realized how much I love being a part of the Simpson Street Free Press and how much I believe in it.
10. I made friends with all of my co-workers.
11. I did a some unselfish things that will go unnoticed and a few that won't. I did a lot of selfish things that may or may not go unnoticed. I think it evened out.
12. I was busy. I forgot about important things like taking meds and eating and sleeping.
13. I became more okay with the way my voice sounds.
14. I kept my high school friends :)
15. I ate my words and felt incredibly stupid many, many times. I realized that I'm pretty flawed and thoughtless sometimes. There are some things that I just have less of a capacity for.
16. I realized that I can't do everything and I can't please everyone. I don't have enough time.

A few resolutions:
-Next semester, I'm going to have to cut back on social stuff more and spend more time alone for my own sanity's sake. I won't take more than 15 credits, even though that means I can't take a language. :(
-I will write more songs and sing in a way that I can be proud of.
-I will go to the library more and be less impulsive. I will study the same subject with people I know are better at it than me if need be.
-I won't be stupid about my friendships. I'll be honest about the way I feel instead of picking fights to show my affection all the time. I won't think that hard about things that don't deserve dwelling.
-I will "forgive them even if they are not sorry." In other words, I will try to be less hurt by what others do, and more constructive about dealing with issues in the interpersonal relationships that are important to me.
-I will make a motivational poster of what I want to make of myself and hang it where I can see it so that I don't lose sight of my goals.