Many Musings of Aarushi

i'm such a slave to my emotions.
I don't understand why.
I'm depressed.
I can't think of anything I want to do, or love, music isn't making me very happy. At least, not at the moment. I'm bound by my responsibilities, my obligation, by social niceties, by other people, by lack of funds, guilt, lies and i just want to get out.
i don't like waking up. i don't like my school. i mean, i like it, i have friends, it's interesting, the classes are stimulating... but i don't know. i don't. i'm scared of what's to come, i'm not sure of change. and everything's always changing. i crave love, but i'm afraid of it.
my conversation's are uninteresting, of little importance. i find myself thinking less about how much something will make me happy but of how it will put me ahead. like it's some huge game and i have to win at all costs. i don't know what's important and i don't have time to figure it out. i have to know everything in an instant or i'm doomed to fail. i'm not good at learning. i'm not fast, i'm not organized,i'm not disciplined. i lose everything. movies make me sad. they all seem to relay the same message. you don't know what it is though, because the movie can't answer your problems. maybe it's an hour of entertainment, but it doesn't give you answers. i'm beginning to believe in darwinism and it scares me. because everyone keeps telling me that in order to survive in this world, you have to be the best, the strongest, the smartest, the fittest and i'm beginning to question whether i am of any worth compared to those better than me.
i'm a good person, but that won't get me by anymore. i have to be brilliant, above brilliant. life is unfair. kill yourself or get over it.
isn't there anything more to life? i feel like i'm burdened by everything and so aware always of the passage of time. close your eyes for a second, and it's next year.
and your money's gone and you can't get it back but you need it to get by, you need it if you want any hope for happiness. let's face it, it's all about the material wealth and it's all about what you look like, and how you present yourself or how you seem to be on a piece of paper. That's why myspace is so popular. It's because people don't want layers, they don't want to get to know you. They want to judge by a snapshot. and it's not fair. but it's my world. and i don't want to live in it. But I have no choice, do I? Just keep going on, living on obligation, out of spite and try and get salvation in the little things.
it makes me hurt.