you're a dream to me, dream to me

I just woke up from a dream that seemed like it was trying to tell me something important... been kind of combining aspects of the universe and aspects of my dreams to piece together and answer. And no, I'm not crazy, but to be honest, my dreams have been pretty successful in revealing what I want. Sometimes they're just spooky.

For example, there was this time when I was excited about my first day of middle school and I had gotten a kind of shitty touch screen calendar fake palm pilot thing. I had wanted to get up super early so I could look nice and maybe fall in love. Yes, this was a ridiculous thought, but I was a crazy child who believed in love and peacemaking and unity and all that bullshit. I was pretty insane about it. I used to draw pictures of earths with smiley faces over all the land masses. I was not prepared for the reality of many things until I actually did fall in love and got smacked in the face by it. Anyway, none of this was relevant.

The only thing that is was the fact that I kept having this dream that I was waking up, picking up my palm pilot to check the time and that I couldn't read the time. I kept picking it up, waking up and not being able to see it-- it replayed over and over until I got bored of the repetition and I woke up. The time was 20 minutes before my alarm was set to ring at 4:30. My dream essentially woke me up and told me something. Yes, it was stress-related and could've happened anyway... but I'll tell you another story.

It was a random day just after school ended a few weeks ago. I was having this dream that was kind of convoluted (as dreams often are). In this dream, I decided to check my grades... (In real life, I hadn't been supremely worried about grades since I was tired from the semester and busy with other things, I hadn't thought about it too hard.) I kept checking my grades. All the grades that I already knew appeared, but then my Geography 339 class seemed to have a B in the slot, but I couldn't see. There was some stress that I might end up with an AB because I had to write this really intense research paper that I hadn't known much about to begin with, and it was basically the first hard writing-related thing that I'd ever done in my life. The dream consisted of me constantly trying to recheck my grades and being unsuccessful. When I checked my grades when I woke up, the grade was an A. It was weird that my dream would envision that whole scenario (how do YOU pronounce the word scenario. Is it scenArio or is it scenARio?) when I hadn't been thinking of grades at all. I had literally forgotten that I had grades yet missing.

This happens a lot. Dreams sometimes save my life (or tell me exactly how I'm feeling based on the way I act in a dream.) I could share other dreams (I have a recurring one that I have to go onstage because I'm in a play and it's my cue and I have to do a costume change but I can't find the clothes and the clothes don't fit when I do find them and then I go onto stage and like, my mom's there) but I think I've made my point. I've always thought that I'm like, a little psychic about some things. It's not that I think I'm anointed with some mythical psychic power. It's just that often I just KNOW something's going to happen, because of my running, annoying analysis that goes on in my head. But I might be insane, because often, I do things over and over expecting a different result (which is the definition of insanity according to Albert Einstein). In my mind, things are different in different situations, so I'm more of a scientist.  At this point, I've probably lost you. So, I'm sorry. Suffice to say that I think about everything too much and therefore, sometimes with that, I end up figuring people out fast and being able to read their behavior really well and not-all-the-time-but-sometimes I can tell what's going to happen next. And it's really more of a curse than anything.

But anyway, I'll tell you what the end message of my dream is... I need to be more self-reliant, self-motivated and selfish...in other words, independent, brazen and less neurotic. I'm gonna do it.