Wednesday, June 30, 2010

i sometimes say things that i don't mean.

i figured i should start off with a disclaimer.

i've been in a kind of off mood lately, which is admittedly odd for me because i feel like the past year has been this kind of unending mood typified by sinusoidal feelings ranging from YAY I'M SO HAPPY TO BE ALIVE IN THIS BEAUTIFUL WORLD and ...oh that could've gone better...with a period of about a day. having this range of emotions allowed me to just compartmentalize my doubts and feelings and go into any situation with the fresh attitude of "okay, let's do this!"

but alas, it's summer. the season of dwelling. and boy, do i have a lot to dwell on.

right now i'm just in a funky, cranky mood, which makes me irritable and hard to live around, like when becca gets mad and it's all your fault even though you didn't do anything wrong and just happen to be sitting next to her when she's got 3 tests next week. and it's REALLY annoying to be upset-like, because normally i chide people for letting things they can't control control their emotions, and i've been doing this a lot lately. i was sitting on the hill today, writing in my notebook about how i feel like a cat that wants a mouse but has gotten a lobotomy and thus has no will to chase after this mouse. that was literally the most eloquent thing i could summon to describe my mood.

i'm sitting in steep & brew because the person i was stealing internet from's internet is not working in my apartment and i needed to download some answers to problem sets that i've been trying to do for ochem that i'm trying to be motivated for.

but i just keep thinking about people and things and how my cell phone which is quite possibly my only mode of communication with the outside world other than the hole in my face and fleeting bouts of internet is going to give me a tumor, how nigeria has oil spills galore that america has not made a big deal about despite the fact that we get oil from nigeria all the time and how i've cultivated this introverted personality inside of my extroverted self and it doesn't make any sense when i talk about it with people... how i don't really like people that much, but it seems like i'm like, obsessed with them due to the fact that i'm vocal about the liking that i do have. also, something i've always pondered...
when you have chemistry with someone is it visible to that person as well? is chemistry just the nature of an interaction you have with someone, visible to the whole world? or is it deceptively only connected to your synapses and that person has a different idea of what chemistry you have, if you have any at all? basically, like, is it like an accelerator that connects directly to the fuel in your car, or is it a hybrid accelerator that sets of an electrical mechanism, which thus dictates to the car to send out fuel? does this make any sense? i have been wondering about this  a long time. i asked my roommate but she said she doesn't really know what chemistry is in relation between people.

steep & brew is a surprisingly loud hangout place twenty minutes before close.. the staff here makes me a bit uncomfortable because they always make lewd sexual innuendos to each other in a flirty way, but i mean, this place has free wi-fi and good coffee and it's open until 11.

2 comments:

Jason said...

oh don't remind me of the steep and brew crew. jeeeez.

sinusoidal is a fun word. compartmentalize is not. you think an awful lot.

becca said...

chemistry with someone...
i didn't read this until right now and realized that when you talked about it during our show you were using something that had already been blogged about. interesting.