Ooh, I'll be the one who'll break my heart

So yesterday, like any other day, in my life, in the past year, I was feeling disillusioned.

Disillusionment is a funny thing.

So I guess it starts with me generally not knowing who I wake up for in the morning, and then realizing, through an array of circumstances, that I should probably sublet this summer, get my own room, and be with myself for a while.

I had known that part for a pretty long time. Yesterday, I went on a really long walk. I don't know if it was really THAT long, as much as I had needed to get lost, and then find myself, so to speak. Ah, behold: my Henry David Thoreau moment. Bear with me.

It started with an admittedly mentally rough day at work: there was an issue with the seed for the bacteria transformants, and it was stressful. Because of the nature of research, it felt like it was all my fault. Aside from that, I've been questioning how capable I am to do anything; it feels like I've been just coasting through everything I do. So, naturally, like anyone, I ignored my feelings and listened to "This American Life" (the Pen Pal episode) and "Stuff You Should Know" (How Desertification works, Are there people who can't feel pain?, How Braille Works). Unfortunately, I'm super good at making connections between things I hear on TV or the radio and my real life, and thus, I started feeling upset again.

After work, I went to Becca's dorm; it was a pretty blissful walk aside from the way I felt. The sun was bellowing down and I was listening to my iPod and sweating, and pretending to be in a movie scene while walking among the high elevation buildings and hills that are along the road that leads to her door. Becca and I sat outside and had a contemplative discussion about what we're both looking for in life. How I want a Ron to my Hermione rather than an Edward to my Bella or a Harry to my Ginny. I'm not really a mushy person.

It's nice when we can do that. Sometimes I feel like my friends and I just get into a routine and don't stop to think with each other. The more I can talk to my friends about the way I really feel, the more I feel connected to them, the more I feel like I'm not a robot. So it goes.

Then, I went on this walk, which was motivated by a desire to be alone. On campus, the majority of the time, I get done with my day and don't know where I should go. Should I go to Jason's welcoming apartment, where I can lounge and pretend to do my homework? Should I go to Rheta's (the eating establishment in my dorm) where I can eat and socialize and pretend to do homework? Should I go to the Paul Bunyan room where I will definitely get some work done... or should I go to my dorm? Or worse, the basement of my dorm where no one can talk? It's kind of a problem trying to find a place to be alone on campus, because in most places there are people all around you who you kind of know or know well, or have seen several times but don't talk to. So then you're not really alone with yourself, you're alone in the situation. Sometimes, that borders on making you feel lonely.

In college, it's hard to see yourself outside of everyone else, and it's hard to find a good place to have a good cry, something I wanted yesterday but didn't get. I walked and walked and walked and walked. It only took me 10 minutes to find myself in a place I didn't recognize. But it wasn't far; I was just looking at the campus from an angle I hadn't known before. I walked all the way off-campus to where Panera Bread is on University Avenue. That's a distance of around 5 miles from my dorm on winding terrain and it took me about an hour and 15 minutes. The whole time I kept having an inkling that I might run into someone I know. Halfway through my mother called me and I told her that I'm subletting; she was a little sad but generally okay with it.

Every time I would want to run into someone I know, a part of me banished the thought. It made me really mad that I always thought this way. Why did I have to spend time I was alone hoping to see someone I know? In any case, I always get really surprised when I see people out of context.

It also weirded me out that so many people were on the path; people were running with their kid's in strollers in front of them, there were people who looked like they were doing some kind of ecological research on the lake, there was this couple hugging, there were the lone riders, and there were sets of girls running together. Next to them, I felt wholly unimpressive, but I kept walking anyway. I felt pretty uncomfortable, because I was sure everyone could tell that as I walked I was thinking really hard, which I don't like to do in the presence of others in case they can read minds or something. It was one of those strange alienating feelings I have been getting a lot lately; I did not want to talk to anyone I knew at all; I did not even want to remember they existed. I especially did not want to be noticed by these strangers.

It's always just kind of confused me that people go running outside. I feel like they are sweaty and vulnerable and feeling out loud, but they do it anyway. I was the same way, yesterday. Sweaty, feeling; crazy confused, but still walking. I guess the running part allows you to get away from the situation fast should you pass through an awkward stretch.
I do realize that I'm self-alienating here. Shouldn't I be happy that I never have to be alone?

At this point, I was having hunger pains and a gnawing dehydration that was threatening to take the wind out of me. I probably should have had something to drink 3 hours earlier. The almost 4 hours of sleep that I had gotten the night before was also proving to be a weak foundation for this kind of activity. Once I got to University Ave, I went to Panera Bread and had a meal.

 There I read the Capital Times almost cover-to-cover and got kind of upset that Dardanelles and Ancora on Monroe Street are closing, Ancora due to competition from Trader Joe's and Dardanelles due to health reasons on the part of the owner-- one Barbara Wright, who once told me while reading my tea leaves, "You need to learn that not all emptiness is bad." How profoundly her message hits me now at a time where I'm considering making my life very simple and open. I wonder if this whole walk bullshit was just destiny's scheme to get me to read this article. Nah.

I just have to re-train myself not to live for someone else, in pursuit of someone else, or in constant consideration of someone else. I come from a collectivist society, I love my family with my all of my heart and every time I think of going home, some part of me feels whole again. However, this is not what I need. I don't want to feel whole if in fact I'm not whole; I want to truly, truly discover what matters to me.

I have this problem, where I start falling in love so that I don't have to love myself. I start helping people so I don't have to help myself. I try to figure people out, at the expense of myself.

Really, it's kind of like what a bitchy, critical person would do. Those people judge everyone else and point out their flaws, so they don't have to examine their own problems. Except that I'm not mean about it. I just like to think about other people. I'm just kind of a self-negligent person, which has been okay because there's always someone around looking out for me, and I'm not completely crazy or anything.

Therefore, I gotta put myself in a world where people aren't always taking care of me.

That's why I'm going on this bout of crazy asceticism, or what a more individualistic person might call "being normal." 

And another thing, I need to seek out what I really want in life, and reject what won't get me that.

catch 200

I wanted to make a post about having made 200 posts finally since the beginning of this blog, but that would make this my 201st post.

"once upon a time i was falling in love, but now i'm only falling appppaaartttt"

I heard the absolute worst karaoke rendition of this song. I'm telling you. THE WORST.

My parents and I were on vacation in some random locale, like Florida or Branson, Missouri. I was really young and the place had a karaoke area, and I remember my dad had just started eating beef when most of his life he'd been a vegetarian and I thought the idea of anything with the name "Angus" getting close to my mouth was the grossest thing ever.


The song "Eclipse of the Heart" is like ten minutes long, and the karaoke machine broke while she was singing it, probably a testament to how bad she was singing it, and so they started it up again and she sang it AGAIN.  It was totally off-key, not just like a little off-key like when Becca sings (actually Becca is consistently a third above whatever you're singing if you sing with her, so really, she could be quite successful in a Diana Ross & the Supremes situation), but mind-numbingly I don't even recognize this song anymore off-key.


God, was my 7-maybe-10-year-old self pissed. I thought it to be totally unfair that some older lady who had been making out (people did that?) with her boyfriend (a concept I thought was only possible in movies-- because even now, it seems pretty statistically improbable for two people to like each other to that extent at the same time...) for like 6 minutes straight prior to ruining this song for me could just go up and sing karaoke when she was clearly insane. Why didn't those people stop her?

So of course, I did what any youth would do. I went up and sang a Savage Garden song. Except that guys sing an octave lower than girls and I got all confused so I sang the song like 2 octaves higher than the original Savage Garden guys. Remember, this was the 90s, and Savage Garden was cool. So then, they felt all bad for me and decided to make the next song I sang, "My Heart Will Go On," a few steps lower. Consequently, it was too low for me to sing comfortably and I was really uncomfortable about it.

It was then, that I realized, it didn't matter that that girl RUINED such a great song, because somebody loved her.


I never got my shining karaoke moment, at least not that night. A few years later, my family would go to Tony Roma's on Karaoke Tuesday (or Thursday or Friday or something,) and I would sing "The Greatest Love of All" by Whitney Houston to the appreciation of a happy mostly tipsy audience.

I thought they were taking me seriously, but people just like to watch little kids sing.

An update on Arizona

Obama spoke on the issue of the new immigration bill in Arizona: http://www.cnn.com/2010/POLITICS/04/23/obama.immigration/index.html?hpt=T1

He calls it "misguided," and says that he's going to have the situation monitored to make sure it doesn't violate civil rights of people.

Included on the page is Obama swearing in some immigrants--people just like I was yesterday-- taking the oath of naturalization. As an immigrant turned citizen, it totally throws me off that you could "tell who's not a citizen by looking at them," without racial profiling. The people at the Milwaukee Courthouse with me yesterday were like a pamphlet on diversity. I fraternized with people from Ghana, Mexico, India, and Canada. They are all now citizens of America who do good work, and want to assert that they belong here.

I want to know why illegal immigrants are not legal immigrants. I want to know what programs could be built to stop this from happening. Surely, as long as immigration is by the book, it should pose no threat to other Americans. It's desperation, in many cases, that causes undocumented immigrants to end up in America.

Being a nation of immigrants, to me, means that we recognize what people who are different from us have to offer and the rights they should have like any other to live their own lives.

The judge yesterday said, "The Constitution doesn't guarantee you happiness. No one can do that. But it does guarantee you the opportunity to pursue it. You have to understand that the Constitution is a document that limits the power of your rulers. Power can corrupt in the most awful of ways. But the best leaders are those who are not impressed with power. The constitution: it gives you the power to question your government. It also gives you the power to due process; you can take anyone in the country, even the president of the United States into court if they violate your rights, because no one is above the law."

What these people want is the chance to pursue happiness, just like any other one of us. Profiling of maybe-maybe-not-citizens violates the right to due process. Although no one is above the law, including undocumented immigrants, it is necessary as always to use judgment to address these problems. Isabel Garcia repeated over again in the CNN interview I posted earlier that, "This is not a police matter, this is not an executive matter." I don't think the issue with undocumented aliens is as black and white as "it's against the law to be in this country undocumented." It's a much more nuanced issue, which will take more than this law (that is a step backwards anyway!)

It is in this situation that it is important to question the power of our lawmakers and the enforcers of these laws.

post i found from a while ago

I feel like my head inbox is constantly being flooded with messages.

"You could be less awkward when you talk to this person."

"I hope you know that you should BE WORKING ON THIS PROJECT"

"You have a gig next week, better look hot."

"Does this person really like you?"

"Increase your stamina! Eat more fro-yo!"

This makes me really upset.

http://www.cnn.com/2010/POLITICS/04/21/arizona.immigration.bill/index.html
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/22/us/22immig.html?ref=us


Apparently there is a law being passed in Arizona, which allows the police to have "reasonable suspicion" to arrest someone who they suspect is an illegal immigrant.

I think that this kind of issue is just the most painful thing to deal with; such a law, however, I feel will definitely encourage racial profiling. This just brings to mind the McCarthy era-- can't they find another way to screen for illegal immigrants? I don't know enough about the issue to know if (in the CNN interview) Republican State Senator Pearce's claims are accurate or if legal defender Isabel Garcia's facts are accurate either. However, I get annoyed that all undocumented immigrants get shit for what only a few of them do.

I want to know why it's necessary to change the law at all. With the current law, immigration status is checked when the person is arrested for a crime. However, now, this law will allow cops to stop anyone who they suspect might be an immigrant, which I feel, fosters an environment of fear for anyone of Latino heritage (or people who look like they have Latino heritage). And that's that.

I've changed shape just to hide in this place but I'm still an animal

I have feelings. I really do. I know this was probably very apparent since I am the type of person who talks about their feelings, writes them down, finds songs to express them in ways she can't and tells people when they're pissing her off.

But some (of the most important) feelings that I have, I'll never say out loud.

Joy and I were talking today about what kind of persons we are, according to Myer-Briggs measures-- are you a spontaneous person or a non-spontaneous person? Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Do you have to see something to believe it?

I think there are other subtle things you could notice about people and the way they function:

- Are you the type of person who color-codes stuff because it actually has an effect on your life?

-Do you wear bright colors or dark colors? Pastels?

-Organized or organized chaos?

-How important are lyrics to you?

-Do you change who you are depending on who you're with?

-When you're with someone hanging out and your cell phone rings, do you tell the person you're on the phone that you're with those people?

-Do you compulsively charge your iPod/computer battery?

-Do you look things up for yourself or ask others who you know will know?

-Do you make flashcards to study for any given class?

-Do you make an outline before you write an essay?

-Do you know what you want to do and then embark upon it, or do you assume that you'll get stuff done eventually?

-Would you date someone you didn't think was hot? Would you date someone you didn't think was smart?

-Are you weirded out when someone mentions any of the following in passing?: menstrual cycles, sex, excrement, underwear, race, politics

-Do you think that people with exotic looks are more/less/equally attractive than the general population?

I realize that these questions probably fit on the Myer-Briggs assessment anyway.

A word on desperation and crushes

We all have desperate moments. Sometimes I'm desperate for the printer to work, sometimes I'm desperate for a cup of coffee or a shower or to listen to a song I really like.

Barring all sketchy situations that no one wants to ponder, desperation is barely ever attractive.

This is not to say that we don't all have feelings of desperation. Desperation is probably an okay thing, because it's a reflection of our want for something, perhaps our willingness to go out of our way. When you want something badly enough, you are willing to do incredible things, and that is great.

But it's all about your reaction.

Most of the time, even if you are desperate, acting desperate is not the way to get what you want.
When self respect < desire, then we have a big problem.

 This goes for when someone has a crush and lets the fact that someone doesn't pay a lot of attention to him/her negatively impact his/her self-esteem, because for some reason they feel that that person is more of an authority on what's cool and what's worth time.

Maybe if someone makes you feel stupid or awkward, maybe there's something wrong with that someone. Or maybe you're not approaching the situation the right way. Maybe you're hoping for too much.

I tend to hold the perspective that the more you dwell on these feelings of desperation, the more apt you are to succumb to them. I hate hearing things that sound like, "S/he could never like me."

Then, why do we have to talk about it? It's not productive. If you really feel that way about yourself, it's not going to change if he does like you.

Why not say "Should I like this person? Is this a good investment of my energy? Why do I feel this way?"

If there's something you feel is wrong with you, combat it or forget it; don't think that someone's affection will solve your issue with yourself. Take a second, and think about why you're attracted to someone. If it's not about looks, it might have something to do with the way that person approaches life. Can you learn something from them?

Rant over.

I don't want to do it your way; i don't want do it your way; i don't want to give it to you your way. I don't want to know!

I think I'm most possibly the weirdest person ever.

For example, I've been doing this thing where I have traumatic, sometimes completely life-altering things happen, but all I seem to care about is whether my iPod is charged and whether I've been reading the news.

I've completely forgotten about school, and surprisingly, nothing apocalyptic has happened; I guess this is an effect of not taking a science class. Never again. I've been wandering around like a dream, hoping for some imaginary future which seems like it'll never come.

Today, I started thinking about the future and I was transported back to last semester when I was freaking out about what I wanted to do with myself. It's annoying. I'm even annoying myself.

However, everyone else who knows me is giving me the most positive frigging reactions I've ever had. It seems like everyone is telling me I'm great, I'm pretty, I'm nice, I have a good voice, and my hair is nice. It's getting hard to handle. I've never been good at accepting compliments. For the most part now, I'm like "Yeah, thank you so much. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks."

Either, I'm in the best shape of my life, or there's some rockstar thing rubbing off on people. Maybe it's the fact that I'm not caring as much about what people think and just doing whatever I want.

Meanwhile, I'm being a raucous teenager nineteen-year-old. Oh yeah, I'm 19, did I tell you that? I'm a prime number. When I'm introspective like this, I'm prompted to look at myself. Upon looking at myself, I see that I'm the same girl; same chubby cheeks, same big ol' questioning eyes, same well, nose that my family members in India like to hail as my worst characteristic. Moreover, I'm reminded that I'm the same goofy person. I say things in a way that only I would. I'm not quiet, I'm not reserved, I don't have any of those demure "girl" qualities, except that my hair is long and my cheek-bones are high. In fact, if I knew me, I'd probably think I was annoying as all heck. I would probably wonder who I thought I was. If I saw myself when I was talking, I would think I look ridiculous.

I might be saying goodbye to the only thing that's been constant in my life for a very long time. I said please don't make this harder. After that, will I be the same at all? Will I rebel, like I have in the past? Will I be even better for the experience? Will I be....lonely?

For once, this is for some pretty unselfish reasons. 

Do you think the heroes had doubts? Or do you think that they forged their paths that they knew would be different from everyone else's and stayed true to themselves for the long haul? More importantly, how will I survive without Ugly Betty to guide me?

It's not that easy to get laid.

I want to know why people skirt around the reality of HIV.

Elizabeth Pisiani is the shit. No one wants disease, so give people incentives to not spread the disease. If you don't skirt around the prevention part, you won't have to deal with the treatment part. 

I'm gonna fill my journals

with lists of the people I run into on campus that I've met before, the people i met this year, the people who i thought wouldn't impact my life but did, the people who make me feel happy to be alive

with every random thought I have that wants to be poetic

with the names of bands I've been meaning to check out but haven't

with non-appointments with myself

with the things i want to write on my stickies but can't because they're too personal or embarrassing

So I've been a little bit bummed out at work (the newspaper written for kids, by kids)  lately because this thirteen-year-old kid is constantly bored and despondent, always very dissatisfied looking, avoiding eye contact and not really listening, sitting like 8 feet away from me (while I write edits on his paper.) 

 I always ask him what he likes, and if he'd like to write about something else besides this instead if it's not interesting to him. He responds with, "It's okay." 

I ask him what classes he likes, he says "Gym." He tells me that there's nothing he really likes that is academic and that even if he likes sports, he doesn't like to write about them. I mean, like, serious bummer. 

Today, I talked to this kid about break hoping to get him to open up about what he does with time that's expendable. I asked what he's been doing. "Playing." 

"What kind of playing?"

"Inside playing."

"So like, on the computer?"

"No."

"Video games?" 

"Yeah."

"Do you have a Wii?"

"No."

"PS2?"

"No."

"What do you have?"

"PS3."

"Oh okay. What do you play?"

"Call of Duty."

"Isn't that a shooter?" 

"Yeah." 

"Like Halo?"

"Yeah. Kind of..." 

"Eh, I don't really like shooters. They're confusing!"

"What? All you have to do is point and shoot!"

"Well, I get confused about how to walk around."

"That's so easy!" 

"But then they shoot you first and you die!" 

"So shoot them first!"

First emotion I ever got out of him. No kidding. 

"Well, I'm sorry I'm not good at shooters. Geez, I like Super Smash Bros." 

"I don't like that."

"Why not?"

"Because it's hard. I was Kirby and I kept floating away and then dying."

"Oh well, that's so easy, all you have to do is use the arrow thingies."

"Well it's annoying, if he flies, he should."

"Well, see,  you see it's not so easy!" 

I got him to admit to me that he failed his science project that was worth 50% of his grade, but he got to redo it to recover his grade. I told him that he should've brought the science project to the office so I could look it over and help him. He said, "Then I'd have to bring all my stuff!"

"So bring all your stuff." 

"But then I'd have to print like 5 pages out!" 

"Hmm... five pages or fail?"

"...Fail."

I asked him why it was hard for him. He expressed that he didn't think science was necessary for anything really and he didn't see why he had to learn it.  So then I told him this story about how I corrected his article last week that's about cars and they talked about carbon fiber which is lighter than steel and thus more efficient. Then later I was talking to my Dad and then this guy in my French class about bikes and how I was wondering if since those materials like carbon fiber and titanium reduce weight, is it ethical for people with unequal bikes to have races? 

I explained that his article, because I chose to ask him to look up what carbon fiber was, helped me understand something else that I didn't even know I might be interested in, and  in that little way, it made me more educated. In fact, his article is actually really(!) exciting in that it talks about cars with rechargable batteries that could actually recharge while driving, thereby not emitting. 

This led me to explain why I care about learning, why it's important to be interested in the world around you, and why you should want to get really good at something academic because no matter what you want to do, if you want to be somebody, you gotta put in the hours and you gotta learn to love and appreciate the opportunities you have to learn. 

And yeah, he looked at me like I was crazy, but I was super honest with him, and said, "I know you think I'm full of crap, but I was just like you are now and I didn't see the value in what we were doing. But as we went on through school, and as I started to really learn science, and social studies, whatever,  I started to realize how everything I learned was really important to know, and I liked it so much more.  Wouldn't you rather enjoy everything you do instead of just waiting around to be at home playing video games?" I went on to explain that though I sound silly and uncool talking about how cool it is to know stuff, I am having a great time with life,  I smile at people, and I'm excited to do what I came to do. 

I asked him if he was listening and he said, "Kind of, yeah." 

But he was smiling. 

not much chance for survival

Is it just me or does this reporting sound more than just a little bit biased?

I mean, probably justifiably biased, but biased nonetheless. Read the article, it's pretty sad and that's all the analysis I'll put into it.

I saw sparks

.....after making a playlist which encapsulates all of my emotions. I wonder...what have I done?

lowercase thoughts

because this blog comes up on google, i can't really name names unless i say something positive, which is upsetting because i think a lot of negative things, but whatever, it's probably better this way, because the more i say negative things, the more people think negative things about you, and to be honest, when i feel negative things, it's really more of a reflection of the negativity i feel around whatever the object of my negativity is. when someone makes me feel stupid, or makes me feel uprooted, naturally, i feel negatively toward them even if they are the best person in the world and they are just being honest.

i am a stupid person, when it comes to certain acts of tact or levels of prudence or this specific habit i have of snatching things, and interrupting people or saying how i feel out loud when no one cares, or standing right in someone's way,  i fail miserably at life, and no one can really respond in any way but ignoring it or saying something like "aarushi, get out of the way," that's when i know that i've done something stupid, and then it's awkward because i should just stop or apologize. usually just stopping is the path of least resistance. it's at these times, i wish i were quieter and less obtrusive.

a weird thing is jealousy. the more you act on jealousy, the more you have a reason to be jealous. i've tried to stop being a jealous person, because it gets you nowhere in life. as far as envy goes, i do that even less, because i actually like being myself, because i think that it's the only way i can really function. i am a person who is empathetic, i am a person who likes to learn, i am a person who cries at something legitimately moving like that one sequence in "Up," and gets too excited when something musically poetic happens. 

something weird about relationships is that in order for a relationship to work, you have to be able to work without the relationship. or at least, this is my opinion. you shouldn't be half a person when the person you're with is not around. a relationship is legit when it is the meeting of two minds who support each other, not two halves of one mind.

about politics. it's complicated, i don't like writing people off, and so i don't want to write off obama. i think he's doing good things, and compromising to get things done. i know that makes him unpopular, but better that he be willing to get a little unpopular to push forward change. i don't agree with each and everything he does in my idealism, but i trust that he has a good idea of what's right.  i don't normally write about politics, because i feel like i have no right to waste the internetspace with my musings about bipartisanship, etc, etc.

maybe i don't want to be a scientist? i love the idea of science, i love the feeling of satisfying a question, finding answers. but i want to answer specific questions, so that they may be enacted in reforms to the world. this semester, not taking an international studies course, i often forget that feeling of justice or injustice that comes with knowing about the bottom billion and the ways that education can build a better world. when i reported on that story for the simpson street free press last summer, about julie bolles and her time in afghanistan building schools, that's when i knew that i didn't want to be the journalist who wrote about these magical changes that mobilized previously frozen populations of oppressed people, but the peacemaker who brought about the change. it's crazy, though, i don't know if i can ever be that person. i feel i have the capacity, but knowing that and doing something about it are two different things.

so as for science, i'd want to use it to fix the problems of disease running rampant through populations of the poor and the uneducated, the forgotten. i would not use it so i could work in an office all day and see patients who are otherwise fine, besides the fact that they need a foot x-ray because they sprained their ankle biking. these people are deserving, don't get me wrong. but that's not what i'm passionate about.

i gotta know the science to do what i want, but to what extent, i wonder? should i go to med school and be a doctor sans frontieres ? or should i get trained in political science? should i become fluent in french? or would it be smarter to become fluent in hindi because i can understand it already?

too many life questions.  i'll be 19 tomorrow.

time it was, oh what a time it was

I've been feeling pretty rebellious lately. I've been wanting to do things that I shouldn't do, and have been parading around my right to do them because I can.

Some examples:
-I can make people who don't know each other very well hang out with each other and like each other.

-I talk about my menstrual cycle, and whatever dudes, everyone who's not a guy's got one or will have one. I'm in Human Sexuality Class. It's a fact of life. A fact that creates life. Or doesn't.

-I stay up late. I do what I want!

-I stop making this list.... I diverge from the beaten path.

I just realize that as an adult, I have rights to my time, rights to what I want to do with it; I realize that I don't ever want to get stuck doing something I don't love in some place I don't love because of what's expected from me. I've watched enough people settle to know that I don't want to.

Things that make me feel good:
 -knowing things (probably number one most happy-making thing. i like feeling informed, i like having enough know-how to be able to interpret events, i like understanding people and things and making them surprised at my insight)

-making people mix CDs that they like (i waste about 30% of my time assembling music into an accessible arrangement or hearing things and finding out what they are when I'm in the mall, when I watch a commercial, if I hear it on NPR, etc)

-when i'm not sore, when the weather is nice, i like doing physical things-- walking up a lot of stairs, going for long walks, running to class, with iPod in ears

-giving people I like a hard time

-having people like Gina and Fangfei who always support me

-my band whose genre I will never be able to really explain

-wasting time psychoanalyzing people

-reading other people's blogs; we're all little authors of our own prose

-watching CNN, they're like one of the only things I trust for news/ also, watching Christiane Amanpour podcasts on the treadmill, listening to This American Life at work (an idea I totally ripped from Becca who is an expert on the Teapot Dome Scandal)

-catching up on reading-- a load off and in my mind at the same time

-feeling beautiful in my own skin

-banter, talking to my friends, making friends, talking to Suvai, Crystal, Becca-- people who I've realized will always like me no matter how long it's been since we've talked last

-singing songs that I like to sing, reveling in how awesome a song is, dancing with myself in the car

-when I'm alone at home and get to jam with myself on the piano and not be shy about it at all because no one will listen/judge

-editing articles at SSFP; I get so much smarter from reading people's articles, and I get to hang out with some really intelligent, really funny kids

-making phytagel at the Gilroy Lab (it's actually a very calming task for some reason) and pouring plates

-Ugly Betty-- for some reason, I just always identify with what's going on. Being true to yourself? Pursuing your passion? Not giving it up for anything? Caring about your family? These are all values that I can subscribe to-- a formula that will never get old. This show just does a really good job of keeping a sense of humor, keeping a sense of reality, making people beautiful but flawed, ugly but incredibly attractive-- in short, displaying the contradictions inherent in people.

-watching Greek with Jason

-stretching out in a warm bed.

-watching TV with my parents who are somehow becoming more like me as I become more like them, having a dad who will always remind me of where I came from, who I used to be, and what's good about me,  and a mother who always makes sure that I've eaten, that I'm warm, and is really non-judgmental about my life choices

I don't think we're meant to stay here very long

People I miss right now:
Becca, Crystal, Suvai, my sister, my old self, countless others that I'm too embarrassed to mention

Times I miss: I always want to go back and miss a time that was easy and then I realize that it was never all that easy to be me. Or at least, it's never been as easy as now. I do miss the time when I lacked inhibition and didn't question myself as much, when back then I probably should have.

Sometimes I feel like I need to break away from where I am and the people I know, but for some reason, though my social feelings are always shifting, though the people around me change, though I learn so much, I sometimes just want to move away, to a new world. Maybe I'm naturally nomadic.

I get tired of sneaky society

It's now more than ever that I want to run away somewhere where no one knows me. I hate analyzing things to a greater extent than I want to, but I feel that it's the way my mind works, and thus, I suck dry the lands where I stay until they change. Maybe I only get this way when it's a school break and I have too much time to think to myself.

I think that I could solve it all by writing a song like this one. (This link is that song without the remix-y effects but only watch the first 5 minutes.)

So I did a google search :"Disappear," because I think for some reason it seems like such a nice idea to disappear away from people, from expectations, whatever. I found a lot of stuff about how to disappear-- some about disappearing form where you live and being untraceable, a few kooks trying to say that it's our right to be able to disappear, some suspicious step-by-steps on how to disappear without people noticing, a very interesting Wiki article about Forced Disappearance (they are killed or abducted by an agency but no one finds out) that made me think of Witness Protection (a branch of the world that honestly gives me the heebie-jeebies), as well as providing discussion about using the word "disappeared" as an intransitive by saying "someone was disappeared," to mean that they were forced to disappear... but really the whole thing is rather bothersome.

People always go to extremes. To end on a rambly note.

and everyone inside the mechanism is yearning to get out

I've been realizing now more than ever that I have too many thoughts that are too candid for the internet, for a blog, even one that no one reads. So I started buying some notebooks... but I'm still too afraid to write in them. I want to name names, I want to confide things into a notebook that I never confide to anyone, and I want to make lists that are inside jokes with myself.

I have this thing where I suppress my thoughts and only letting them out in the form of abstraction, talking around the point, or the worst: accidentally dropping hints as to how I'm feeling by way of conversation patterns or secret actions that I can talk myself around and out of.

It's kind of dishonest in a way, because many things I think and feel cannot be admitted to myself except in the form of some kind of whimsical joke or "hypothetical harmless pondering." Because when you say something out loud or write it down, it gets filtered into the universe for anyone to pick up on and mess with and distort. I firmly believe that most of what we think or even do should not be spoken aloud just so it doesn't end up in some biography later on giving a truly false picture of the person in question.

And more than that-- I have this image of myself that I like to preserve in my mind so that I can believe that I am the person that I want myself to be.

Sometimes, I just don't want to admit to being vulnerable-- to having emotions that are just straight up intangible. So, I just pretend they don't exist, which is how I bet most people deal with it.  Unlike most people though, I'm normally unable to put these out of my head. So I'm doomed to endless doublethink and waiting for things to become irrelevant so I can rest my thoughts.

it's so beautiful, our lunacy

ahhh, repose.

after a long day (or thirty) of painstaking work, worries and woe, it is nice to put your feet up and relax so that you can reconnect with your roots... radicals, rebellion, randomized playlists, rest, radio, revelation and reading. maybe discovering, discerning, decadence and delirium? or maybe loneliness, lingering and life planning. in any case it is temporal time, to be tempered with whatever tests i decide to try it with.

in any case, i'm going to fill the days of spring break with the things that i long for in my day-to-day grind, meaning that i will spend the majority of the time just reading for recreation, a little volunteering, bathing, and doing one or more creative thing in a day.

grow up where you're planted?

Why does it scare us that things don't always last forever? Why do I pity those who are alone in their lives? But then, why do I wish for independence?

I guess I've been scared of one thing forever, and it's being defined. I never revel in any one definition of myself. I want to be seen as smart, but not just a smart girl and as hip, but not one-dimensionally so. I want to be beautiful, but not in a flimsy disposable way. I don't want to be seen as the person who needs others or the person who shuns the world. I feel totally uncomfortable around people who don't know me that well, because I know that they either see one part of me or another. Without this understanding of who I am, they're left to guess what kind of person I am. Meanwhile, I wonder if who I am is something I even want to try to define.

I was on top of the world last night, but today I feel there is higher to go.  I want to shoot upwards quickly like an arabidopsis plant, but I know that I can't grow this way without suffering a little. When you take the plant out of the fridge and the gel and put it in the soil, you very well may damage the roots. The seed is stressed out in the growth chamber for a while, but then it eventually recovers and resettles its roots, after a couple days of being covered and watered. But I fear so much the pain of having my surroundings shaken that I cling to the plate and the gel. I know though, that I'll eventually outgrow the plate and if never put into soil, I could just wither away and dry out.

However, it's not just a question of my pain. It's also the pain of the other seeds planted next to me right in the gel. As I am lifted off the plate, I am lifted away from the others, and maybe their roots will get ripped as a consequence of our entanglement-- it can happen when you leave a plate growing for too long. Does changing your life always have to change the lives of others? Is it better in the long run?

Having deep conversations with people

It's a great pastime to share your thoughts with a group of people, to debate, to question your beliefs, and to argue them from many sides, but it often leaves me feeling sad.

Seeing that things aren't simple as they were when I was a child breaks my heart whenever I'm forced to deal with this stark reality.

It starts with realizing that all facts are filtered through the mind of whosoever saw them and reported them. All accounts of reality are only as strong as the degree of trust between people. Give someone a survey, and they could lie. Ask someone what happened and they could forget or exaggerate. Whatever we know could have been biased or false or tampered with. Most people who speak up about issues are the people who hold extreme viewpoints, and almost everything that's worth reading is biased in some way--it's probably impossible to say that something isn't biased in some way. But yet, we still pick up the newspaper or watch the news and believe it for the most part. We believe books we read because we believe in the system that prizes the truth. However, little things are so small that they could be fabricated. How many little things add to a large miscalculation?

From examining this, we find that there is no truth that can't be debated. One can always question the motives of someone else.

However, there is also our truth, our personal truth, what is correct for us, what we see as reality. Were we in love? There is no truly objective answer. Was it right? Are we right? My parents did this thing and so did everyone else I know. If I grew up in a culture where it was okay to hurt others, would I think it was right? People do things under the assumption that their beliefs are wholly true. So, how do you tell them they're wrong without doing it by force? And how do you know that you're right?

I'm a proponent of optimism and idealism. We need hope because only with hope can you proceed forward, and you need ideals to strive for, otherwise there is no direction.  But you can't forget the reality of the world you live in, you can't set policy solely on idealism. Instead, gradual changes must be made in the system to deal with our problems and grievances in better way.

The worst thing about discussion is that you can define the problem relatively simply, but generalizing about humankind is hard, and trying to say how something should be done is not the same as saying if people would agree and putting it into action. And what is the best way to go about something?

Sometimes I think it would be best if it was a dictatorship, but it would be run by someone with great morals, someone with a keen understanding of the world, someone who wasn't all one thing. But this person will never be the person everyone is okay with, and this person could change and become someone who isn't this person. One person can't know or do everything. And this person would be hated and love simultaneously.

But the thing is, you can't wait for the perfect system to arise. There needs to be some action for anything to happen. Redundant? Yes. But you'd be surprised at how little is done for fear of how naysayers will react.