Since then it's been a book you read in reverse

I am sitting in my room in relative nudity underneath the blanket of a warm robe postponing the life I will have tomorrow.

Surreally, we had our first snow day.
Also, surreally, I spent the night in Becca's room with Jason and Becca watching Ugly Betty as part as some sort of fake apocalyptic daydream. It was like a dream as everyone ran down the halls of her beautiful old dormitory celebrating the wonder that is nature given snow.

I thought about college and how it is kind of like the brochures that they give you except that you're not skiing or even studying outside half the time. It has been my goal to live in one of those brochures.

I have come to the realization that I like living a quiet life, that maybe I will never be famous, and maybe I never want to be.
This is the antithesis of what I used to think when I was younger. I wanted to be a star. I recorded an album of myself singing songs (that I wrote, a cappella) and distributed it to my peers. I wrote a newspaper and distributed that too (I got in trouble for being too honest-- it was justified). Maybe I made up this realization about the quiet life. Maybe that was complete and utter denial.

Today my father saved us from the winter by driving to Adams and helping us excavate Becca's car as a mini-avalanche had decided to make it their abode. He took Jason and me to Swagat. He told Jason the story of me singing the national anthem at India Day in library mall when I was 9 and how I made some lady cry because she was moved by my voice. I think I stopped thinking I had that effect on people when I stopped being able to see it, or when the people I was trying to be that to obviously didn't have a stomach for such things.

I wonder why I never write about anything light-hearted. I wonder why I consider things so thoroughly and forever, when I ought to consider each instant individually. This is why I like moments. I like having an ephemeral moment to myself rather than the grueling hours that prepare me for the future that I constantly worry for.

I think I built up these walls in response to how I was as a child, I was radical and inquisitive, and excited about life, and I believed in chemistry and love. No one liked that. I think I only want to be back to who I was then, minus the bad judgment.

Except it's kind of weird, that the Shins always applies no matter what situation I'm in.

One day, I'll make a non-contemplative post.