i have confidence in sunlight

so... the only way to live such a hectic life is to not second-guess myself.
-i often sing this song to myself when i feel down:


and i remember what connie wu constantly repeats to me:
"no one can make you feel inferior without your consent" via eleanor roosevelt...
 and also what my friend meredith walsh said, "when you're confident, people just think about you more, and you won't even realize it."

i am in a good mood, because i was not too shy to request a couple of things i needed and am now better off! i think we all spend too much time hesitating.

"Human potential is the same for all. Your feeling, "I am of no value", is wrong. Absolutely wrong. You are deceiving yourself. We all have the power of thought- so what are you lacking? If you have willpower, then you can change anything. It is usually said that you are your own master."

"With the realization of one's own potential and self-confidence in ones ability, one can build a better world. According to my own experience, self-confidence is very important. That sort of confidence is not a blind one; it is an awareness of ones own potential. On that basis, human beings can transform themselves by increasing the good qualities and reducing the negative qualities."
Both quotes from the Dalai Lama

it's been an interesting few days at the apartment

in general, i think things are coming along nicely...

as roommates we're pretty close, but we're not insufferably close... it's a little like living with parents, because i feel like connie and becca are always looking out for me, and i definitely stay up the latest and make the most noise, and have the most drama of the three of us. i am also the least initiative taking as it comes to things like cooking, and i'm the instigator of all the apartment hangouts that have happened thus far.

(i'm definitely the baby of this roommate situation, as i am in a lot of other cases-- my band although i think i share that position with scott, and at home, despite the fact that i have a younger brother, and in the lab.)

school has made me busy, busy, busy with purposeful activities, so i'm quite pleased to be quite honest. i'm delighting in the discoveries that make me feel so young, when during the summer, i felt that i'd seen it all. this cuts into my time to explore my hobbies, but i'm bettering so much as a person in such a short time that i almost don't care. living with such good examples as becca and connie is very beneficial for me; i couldn't ask for two roommates that care more about me and offer stimulating conversation.

i just did a little bit of ochem conquering with the help of gina and jessica and jason, and now i'm off to bed to have another busy day. this might be a boring post, but i just wanted to note my feelings for the moment.

i wanna be forgotten, and i don't want to be reminded

here it comes, the raw angst.

i swear, i'm so one of those pathological, use humor as a shield people, and i didn't even see it coming. me? yes, me.
see, it goes back to that idea of self-sabotage. what makes us do things we know are wrong?!


shuck, shuck me.

dare i say that i'm excited for this semester?

i am excited for this semester. yes, i doth deigned to say such a controversial statement and i stand behind it. today was so busy. today was awesome. i mean, not all of it, but it was packed full of life experience and learning, while retaining the sheen of newness that i hope will never fade, although i know it will probably inevitably grow dull.
i woke up at 7 (admittedly much too early) and failed to fall back asleep for long enough to add hours to my sleep-account. i fumbled and put on clothes that weren't the best choice for the day, but i still wore them the whole day through. my "i fought the law" (points if you knew that it's by the clash covering bobby fuller four) shirt and my tight jeans that jason bought from re-threads and then re-gifted to me because they were too tight and had no pocket space (and they were girl-pants.)
i packed a lunch! small triumph. little did i know that it would be delicious despite the fact that becca refused to buy real pepper jack, opting instead for the imitation pepper jack cheese product singles.
i went to organic chemistry and totally zoned out and had nothing to say to my "neighbors" when we were forced to kamikaze "discuss" NMR. that's a class i'm going to fall behind in fast.
failed to make good conversation with guy in my ochem II class that i met last semester in a discussion, accidentally told him that recognizing strangers like him on the street was a "plague" that i suffer.
got a cappucino before going to hindi, amazingly had enough time to do so.
failed at speaking hindi in hindi class but did not fail at making people laugh.
ran into my entire lab convoying to a lab lunch while walking down the hill.
interviewed my friend priyanka for my radioshow, got glimpse into freshman life and into newly renovated chadbourne and best veggie quesadilla i've ever tasted. good till the last bite. did an interview in a stairwell, lent a real authenticity to the reporting.
answered questions in the lecture of the class i have with all upper classmen, professor learned my name, felt intelligent.
drank some kind of caffeinated water beverage on hour-long commute to work sitting in front of terribly obnoxious people who caused me to suffer temporary hearing loss because i tried to drown them out with headphones.
suffered four and a half hours at work with a stomach ache although my boss sang the song that it says on my shirt. ("i fought the law," remember? that was foreshadowing.) apparently he's seen every band from the 70s that is on my iPod at least 309483048 times. very cool.
my dad picked me up from work to save me from staying there until tomorrow, which is now.
went to the radio station, pre-recorded my radio show for thursday.

voila, my 16-hour day. sorry to those who bore with me.

and we're back

school is back in session, la dee da and i am already tired.

between ochem ii, biocore + lab, hindi, international health and global society, lab job and simpson street, i barely have time to feel a little bit insecure before i dive into a nervous breakdown just thinking about it.

already, i have to pre-record my radio show in advance because there is no time on the schedule that becca and i and the studio are all three available.

adding to my stressors is the fact that i have to print out all my readings but anyone will agree with me when i say that binders are the shittiest invention for holding paper for which nothing better has yet been invented, it's a pain in the ass to print stuff. also, my beautiful blue textbook came in the mail today and then my sister saw it and went Ohmygod, you're using the same textbook as me! I got the International edition MUCH CHEAPER on EBAY!! RETURN THIS NOOOW!!! so i live in fear until the international edition comes, next wednesday, the day of my first lab. meanwhile, i have to stare at the beautiful textbook that is pretty and has a nice cover that i just can't have unless i can say bye-bye to a sweet deal.

i haven't even started any of my homework yet. also, i am like 2 or 3 days behind in my lab work for lab. god help me.

30% of couples met online according to Time

i've thought as much about work in the past few days as i should've been thinking about it all summer.

so i've decided to use post-it notes and put them around my head-side of the bed to remind me what i have to do otherwise i'll totally forget.

to-do list for tomorrow:
-get early start, which means go to bed soon
-find ways to drink milk before its due date (i am drinking maxwell house instant chai tea latte right now-- so good!)
-buy eggs, other forms of protein (maybe those pre-cooked chicken strips you can put into salad and also some turkey), redhot sauce (which people don't know is actually buffalo sauce, yum) to eat with non-recalled eggs, and random other foods for jason's birthday celebration
-guilt trip parents into giving some of chobani yogurt stash. maybe just buy some of the strawberry kind since that's the best anyway
-pack lunch
-find bike lock holder thing and summon courage to take bike for a spin (but not tomorrow, no time)
-mail Becca's Mad Men DVD back
-go to work in Gilroy lab, fix problems with plants, read more of paper on aquaporins, become intelligent.

self-sabotage

you know it well.

as humans, we know what's best for us.

for example, if i have a big test this thursday (i don't), i know it would behoove me to study. but instead, i often just procrastinate until i near the point of no return.
why do i do this? maybe i like the drama.
maybe the thought of improving my life or myself in some way summons in me a fear of change. maybe i fear that if i get what i want i'll miss something else, or somehow be unhappy.

i'm kind of sick of this self-sabotage thing. too often do i look at life as a win-lose situation... i think that if i gain something, i inevitably lose something else.
i don't know if that's necessarily true.

lately i've just been in this spin where i waste all my time thinking and worrying about my problems and not doing anything (save a few runs) about it. so many things are fixed by taking the initiative, by focusing outward, by remembering the big picture. i'm always apologizing to people, but the person i really need to apologize to is myself. i can't think of life with this "oh what will they think of me" "oh am i doing this right?" mentality. i just have to figure things out by myself and instead of saying "sorry i made you have to do this," i should say, "thank you for doing this for me."

i need to stop thinking about what i have to say and just say it sometimes. i need to feel rather than think.
i can't just worry about whether or not i have what it takes to make someone care about me. i just have to be someone who i would want to care about.

and who is that person?
that is someone who is kind and selfless. someone who is courteous and gentle. someone who takes pleasure in simplicity, but appreciates and comprehends complexity. someone who sees beauty in roughness and reality. someone who is just friendly. someone who will do something even if the end-result is not clear. someone who is strong enough to ask for what they want. someone who sings to himself despite not knowing the words or the melody. someone who doesn't mind spending a day alone. someone who is innately curious. someone who reads. someone who believes that people are inherently good. someone who believes in love. someone who is content with waiting for what they want. someone who makes the most of things. someone who sees the value in others.

i'm gonna work this new attitude.

does it bug anyone else that...

quaker's steak and lube has the word "lube" in the name and the menu boasts of different types of LUBE you can LUBE up your sandwiches with? cute, but kind of sickening, which kind of goes for the whole place. i got the sauce that was 10X spicier than regular hot, and it wasn't that hot, so pat on the back for my spiceholding capabilities.

sorry for the asinine, boorish commentary, but i paid $4 (for an iced chai) to get on the internet and out of the heat today and I'd like to get my money's worth from this "free" internet. there ain't no such thing as free wi-fi.

so i've grown to really enjoy having the two-roomer to myself. i walk around in my underwear and listen to music whenever i want and boil eggs all the time, having extended my bedroom to include the whole apartment. i watch a ton of daria, but i've finished it as of this morning... also, my bike is in the apartment because i don't want to teach myself how to use the big scary Kryptonium lock yet so i have to step around it to make coffee. as everyone knows, moveout day is in 2 (two) days and cohabitation will commence yet again with becca & connie... two of my best friends, strong women who are very, very different. naturally, i'm really excited to see how this goes. i just feel like it'll be really interesting.

whoa, i've been writing this for a while.

yesterday night, becca and i met michael moscovitz (princess diaries, anyone?) or his real self, robert schwartzmann of rooney. this is the man whose voice narrated each and every heartbreak i've had since 7th grade when i bought their CD. we were at the rooney concert, which was chock full of girls like us, who love boys who sing about breaking girls' hearts. robert totally gave us hugs. good ones, too, that he initiated. point for team beccaarushi. that looks funny.


don't tell me not to live, just sit and putter. life's candy, and the sun's a ball of butter.
don't send around a cloud to rain on my parade!

things i like (fall 2010 edition):
casual friendships. hanging out during the day with nochem hanging over my head. going out to lunch with checca. non-deep conversations. not worrying. falling asleep on a bare mattress with daria. combining words. being happy with myself. the strokes. rooney. the shins. i gotta learn how to write songs like these people. things, like friendship or thinking for example, that are free, but super awesome quality anyway. knowing in my heart that i've got it going on.

things i don't like.
the fact that my id talks before i can stop it, and then my superego has to step in and explain that my id is overactive, and it never makes it better. my beloved 80 gig iPod may or may not be slowly nearing its inevitable end of life. stupid blogger won't let me move around my cursor without use of the arrow keys. moving & everything associated with it. the feeling that i'm not being productive when i could be. oh well. falling for someone even though i should know better.

i wake up every evening

"I'll always be honest with you-- painfully so. All I ask is that you're honest with me, too."

i suck at posting.

i say this not because i haven't posted in a while... it really has not been that long. i say this only because i always start writing a post and then abandon it halfway through either because i'm not sure i want everyone i know to read it or because it feels half-baked in some way.  (also, half-baked ben & jerry's is overrated. yeah, i went there.)

i'm thinking it's better when i'm stream of consciousness anyway.

one of the best things in the world is hanging out with my family, especially my little brother. but i don't know that i can really handle being at home anymore, if not only because there's way way too much food in this place. for breakfast, i ate 3 eggs, half a bowl of cereal (the rest of which i pawned off on chet as any good sister would) while watching fareed zakaria GPS and then reliable sources. fareed zakaria ROCKS, he is very good at interviewing people and getting real answers out of them. he's one of those people that stops CNN from towing the bipartisan line by just getting out the facts. that's because he just really knows his shit about foreign policy. he talked to john kerry and the ambassador from pakistan about the state of affairs regarding the Taliban and the Pakistani govt and got kerry to say that the republicans are putting a huge block in Congress against anything left and it just straight-up sucks more than it ever has before and it's allowing people like China to get ahead on things like carbon credits-- something that's just going to make them even more powerful than us as a world power.

then i went and took a nap and did ochem on chet's bed while listening to his music, (which is just kind of a mix of soundtracks to tv shows and random musical numbers from musicals and beatles... the kid has pretty good tastes in that i don't have to switch the song very frequently). it was the first of two naps. i woke up because my dad had randomly decided to make mango lassi (it's essentially a mango-flavored indian yogurt smoothie) and bring it to me, because it's only like, my favorite indian beverage. so i drank a glass of that, but then papa decided it wasn't mango-ey enough, so he made me another glass. so that was post-breakfast. later, i was called upon again to eat the aloo ki sabzi, which is only my other favorite indian dish in the whole world, which according to my dad is the "uttar pradesh comfort food."
so that was my lunch-ish.
after that, i got distracted because chet was playing the glee soundtrack over the bose system, so naturally, there was a singing-dancing interlude before mom started getting stressed that maybe the neighbors/golfers could hear us because the windows were open and made us turn it off.
chet is like, one of the only people who understands how fucking wonderful a release it is to have a musical interlude. i miss this at college. no one likes it when you sing at college! (except for the gilroy lab.. they've been pretty understanding of it.)

so i went and wasted time on my computer for two hours, but got told i was beautiful/respectable, so that was cool. then i ate again. this time it was beef soup that was too bland so i added salt and crushed red peppers liberally. mom tried to tell me not to put salt in it ("maybe you should try not to....") and then just trailed off because she realized what kind of poor taste decision she was expecting me to make and how she herself would not have been able to follow it. my mom's a doctor so she's just trying to prevent us from all getting hypertension. (but she's also an indian cook, so she realizes how necessary salt is.) apparently, it's a problem for indians because our food is so damn salty, but it's not as big of a deal because in india people sweat a ton more to compensate. this was kind of my dinner, so i ate a yogurt (chobani, holla!) and a chocolate skinny cow thingy.

then i studied again, but had to use the computer, which means i talked to jason more than i'm really supposed to, and then printed off more ochem stuff. then chet and papa decided they wanted to go canoe-ing without me (well, they decided they wanted to go canoe-ing whether or not my studying schedule would make it impossible for me to go) so the whole family left as i studied ochem further. to wake myself up, at this point, i felt really tired. i started to look for ice, because i didn't want to make myself boring coffee, but then found frozen raspberries, and then i got really excited and made myself a raspberry-pineapple-orange juice smoothie. then, as dessert, i had a shitty cold coffee, because our ice machine sucks.  (smoothies consumed today: 3)

 so then i did more ochem, and then i finally gave into tiredness and took a nap, knowing my family would wake me up when they got home. they brought me my favorite type of salad from culver's because they felt bad for me... the strawberry fields salad. (favorite things consumed today: 3)

and now i'm here. gotta go do ochem.

truthin'

if you don't know the word "truth" when used as a verb, you probably never heard the song "these boots are made for walking" by nancy sinatra.  i know this song because my Nana sings it.
she looks so sexy in that video, i pity the fool who lied when he should've been truthing, and samed when he should've been changing.

so i thought i could truth a little bit before i head off to ochem. i gotta use this free internet somehow!

truthing:

-i found a french radio station on iTunes a few seconds ago. it ROCKS. like, for real, it's so nice to hear the french talk. i can totally understand it when it's slow enough. i'm going to get fluent in french. i can feel it. une energie joyeuse c'est positive. mais, aussi la musique n'est pas toujours la meilleure. mais la phrase precedente n'etait pas francais. i'm currently listening to "du contrat social" par jean jacques rousseau.

-you should watch this video. it's hilariously done.  it's part of a project by Joseph Gordon-Levitt of 500 Days of Summer / 3rd Rock From the Sun/ 10 Things I hate about you fame to consolidate the talent of young awesome directors and actors over the internet and make freaking amazing stuff. watch the video, i implore you.  it's exactly the kind of thing i'm into.

-we have neurons in our brain that make us like the music that we've heard more than once. at first, it hates music that seems not to have a pattern it can understand, but soon they work very very hard and decode the music so that we can love it. i learned about that from WNYC Radiolab's podcast entitled "Musical Language,"  which you should download and listen to if you ever get the chance. i've been getting the chance because i work in relative solitude in the lab all the time.

-i have to find more new music to listen to. it's a constant struggle.  i've decided i like phoenix, but  i don't want to make music like theirs. in general, i've decided i don't like the way music encapsulates a feeling that is oftentimes a destructive one, like the one of falling into stupid unabashed first love or the one of dwelling on the relationships you're not in. i think it's weird that our band has no love songs under its belt. the closest thing is "a study in blue" but it's not really a love song at all. it's more about finding meaning.

-i did my laundry by my lonesome last night and made a friend in my building who is a psychology post-doc from chile, who witnessed me drop my underwear no less than 3 times in the puddles in our laundry room due to flooding from the recent freak tornado/thunderstorm.

tornado schmwarning

so... i'm stuck in birge hall, the hall in which i work due to tornado warning stuff that's been happening today.

so of course this is one of those poetic times where you're stuck at the hands of some higher power that has control over you. your 500 days of summer dates get canceled and you're just sitting there at a big computer and thinking maybe probably you should be doing something more intellectual or at least take advantage of this time by getting ahead on seed planting...

no matter. i'm writing a blog entry because how much internet do i really get access to?
actually a lot. despite the fact that i don't have internet between the hours of 7:30 and 10 in the morning on an average day, i still get to use it in crowded, public places from insecure ports. so my knowledge of current affairs has suffered a bit.


i've been trying to think of more interesting things lately...

this was my first weekend spent totally downtown.

with that comes some observation:

-i think i decided that platonic friends are the best kind. since i'm single, that makes that everyone, which is good. this is probably a bad thesis to reach right before my radioshow tomorrow about sexual tension, but whatever.

-it's not a good idea to miscategorize people into different categories than they fit into. in my experience, it's a bad idea to force anything or think of things in a what-if sense.

-i am in birge hall trying to do ochem because kohl lent me his key and i keep hearing ghosts but i don't really mind them that much.

-um, it's like, super easy to forget when to eat. also, it sucks to not have internet. it just does. internet is such a nice thing and i will never ever take it for granted again.


here is a small list of things i'd rather do than ochem:
-join the circus for that tongue rolly thing i do
-become a cruise ship singer
-callgirl for charity
-oh yeah, singer in a band
-walk the perimeter of campus
-go shopping at urban 3 times in preparation for the exam (this i actually did)
-eat indian buffet and make chem-related metaphors to describe my love life

one true friend in the universe

i haven't really been having real emotions lately. i find it hard to cry or feel anything but ennui when i try to consider my life, because honestly, despite moments in my life that i regret, there has been hardly anything that would merit a single tear.

but all the same, it's nice to cry. it's nice to feel. that's why i believe in the power of fiction. it's easier for me to cry when considering the plights of others. i watched seussical last night, starring my brother and a bunch of other 16 and under-year-olds. i used to feel weird when i went to his CTM shows, because when i was little i was in CTM and made way too big a deal about everything. but in truth, i really miss the adrenaline, glamour and teamwork of putting on a show- that's probably why i'm in a band now, or why i'm such a dramaqueen or why i watch and love glee.

i'm constantly missing the old me. the person who was small, powerless, but still a person. full of hope and energy and life and love. i have to remind myself that it's still me, just in a different, wiser way.  watching my little brother, with his newly-changed voice and clean canvas on which he'll paint teenage experiences, depict an elephant who'd be jailed and rained on and get sick all to protect what he loves reminded me of what i stand for in the world. it was like an encapsulation of everything that's good, pure and yet unblemished by wrinkles and jadedness.

all you need in the whole wide world is someone who'll face it with you. someone who'll love you for you, who'll stand by you, who'll have a good, riveting conversation with you and make you laugh. and sometimes you need to be that for yourself. i'm lucky- so lucky-- to have my two best friends in the world (the only two people i can count on to read this). and i want to spend my life fighting for other people like they do for me.

there are some things that should not be important.

these things:
-race
-where you lie on the gradient of complexion color
-religion of lineage
-giving or taking of 15 pounds of body weight
-handwriting
-how many cavities someone has
-waist to hip ratio

things that are important:
-ability to make you laugh
-dependability/reliability
-cuddliness
-willingness to stay up late and/or wake up at a weird time just to talk to you when you're sad and have things to say that may or may not disappoint the listener
-loving the same songs as you
-sporcle skill
-letting you be yourself and loving you because of it, not in spite of it
-knowing you so well, just knowing what's up without having to ask you about it, sometimes telling you what's up even though you don't want to admit it a la that scene in hercules where meg won't say she's in love
-your cute nose
-street smarts & heart smarts

fuck anyone who says otherwise.

i sometimes say things that i don't mean.

i figured i should start off with a disclaimer.

i've been in a kind of off mood lately, which is admittedly odd for me because i feel like the past year has been this kind of unending mood typified by sinusoidal feelings ranging from YAY I'M SO HAPPY TO BE ALIVE IN THIS BEAUTIFUL WORLD and ...oh that could've gone better...with a period of about a day. having this range of emotions allowed me to just compartmentalize my doubts and feelings and go into any situation with the fresh attitude of "okay, let's do this!"

but alas, it's summer. the season of dwelling. and boy, do i have a lot to dwell on.

right now i'm just in a funky, cranky mood, which makes me irritable and hard to live around, like when becca gets mad and it's all your fault even though you didn't do anything wrong and just happen to be sitting next to her when she's got 3 tests next week. and it's REALLY annoying to be upset-like, because normally i chide people for letting things they can't control control their emotions, and i've been doing this a lot lately. i was sitting on the hill today, writing in my notebook about how i feel like a cat that wants a mouse but has gotten a lobotomy and thus has no will to chase after this mouse. that was literally the most eloquent thing i could summon to describe my mood.

i'm sitting in steep & brew because the person i was stealing internet from's internet is not working in my apartment and i needed to download some answers to problem sets that i've been trying to do for ochem that i'm trying to be motivated for.

but i just keep thinking about people and things and how my cell phone which is quite possibly my only mode of communication with the outside world other than the hole in my face and fleeting bouts of internet is going to give me a tumor, how nigeria has oil spills galore that america has not made a big deal about despite the fact that we get oil from nigeria all the time and how i've cultivated this introverted personality inside of my extroverted self and it doesn't make any sense when i talk about it with people... how i don't really like people that much, but it seems like i'm like, obsessed with them due to the fact that i'm vocal about the liking that i do have. also, something i've always pondered...
when you have chemistry with someone is it visible to that person as well? is chemistry just the nature of an interaction you have with someone, visible to the whole world? or is it deceptively only connected to your synapses and that person has a different idea of what chemistry you have, if you have any at all? basically, like, is it like an accelerator that connects directly to the fuel in your car, or is it a hybrid accelerator that sets of an electrical mechanism, which thus dictates to the car to send out fuel? does this make any sense? i have been wondering about this  a long time. i asked my roommate but she said she doesn't really know what chemistry is in relation between people.

steep & brew is a surprisingly loud hangout place twenty minutes before close.. the staff here makes me a bit uncomfortable because they always make lewd sexual innuendos to each other in a flirty way, but i mean, this place has free wi-fi and good coffee and it's open until 11.

dear everything.

1. i do not like boys at all period. i know that sometimes my actions conflict with this general viewpoint, but i have to admit that this is my truth. guys are too impulsive and they don't plan and they do things like "improvise" and "get hammered," and think you're "beautiful" and admire you for the qualities you have and they don't, like planning, looking nice in floral prints, and talking to people. and it's like, enough already... why can't you just be my best friend, why can't you just rag on me instead of trying to impress me... i like a challenge.

2. i went to costco with my parents, and ate a bunch of samples instead of eating the indian food at home yesterday. this makes me upset because this was my one chance to eat sambar and i didn't get it. and i effing miss my home-cooked cooking.

3. i think becca is mad at me over something stupid.

4. i really don't believe in the concept of shy-ness. why are people shy? it's not fair that i'm not shy. it puts WAY too much pressure on me.

5. i am going to go see modest mouse this weekend.


6. i haven't listened to any music in the past 4 days except for the mix CD i made my dad for father's day, which OMG he loves! he loves it, i'm so proud of myself because my dad scrutinizes all of the music that i listen to/get for him/sing for him. but he likes it and says it's great. i think i made my dad like guster. and over time, regina spektor. i'm really proud of myself.


7. i really really want to re-re-record a study in blue. it's too soft when you play it through speakers. and there's some vocal stuff that could be better. why did i write such a difficult song? it's a truly difficult song to sing and to get the dynamics right on... oh well.


8. i'm just kind of pretending ochem doesn't exist until class today.


9. i sometimes wish you could like, find out statistics about how much people think of you. and that could be the way you decide who your friends are instead of blindly having to you know, assess their personality, and make possibly-accurate assumptions about people

10. i wrote a song last night but it sounded too much like death cab for cutie. 

11. i feel like i really don't believe in love the same way anyone else does... it's just another thing i'm "too cool" for.

i have to take an ochem test soon

very soon. here's caution, you wind!

i don't understand why people shorten organic chem to "orgo." what the heck? there's no O sound in the second part of the word. you don't shorten physics to fizz-o, do you? you can say bio. that makes perfect sense.
but i digress.

i haven't been posting that often because i have yet to establish feelings of normalcy. i still feel odd, like the main characters of my life have left to go be on a different show that pays them better, and the tv show of my life is now adding new characters or making more minor characters that you've seen around develop larger roles and get more lines.

just a thought.

you're a dream to me, dream to me

I just woke up from a dream that seemed like it was trying to tell me something important... been kind of combining aspects of the universe and aspects of my dreams to piece together and answer. And no, I'm not crazy, but to be honest, my dreams have been pretty successful in revealing what I want. Sometimes they're just spooky.

For example, there was this time when I was excited about my first day of middle school and I had gotten a kind of shitty touch screen calendar fake palm pilot thing. I had wanted to get up super early so I could look nice and maybe fall in love. Yes, this was a ridiculous thought, but I was a crazy child who believed in love and peacemaking and unity and all that bullshit. I was pretty insane about it. I used to draw pictures of earths with smiley faces over all the land masses. I was not prepared for the reality of many things until I actually did fall in love and got smacked in the face by it. Anyway, none of this was relevant.

The only thing that is was the fact that I kept having this dream that I was waking up, picking up my palm pilot to check the time and that I couldn't read the time. I kept picking it up, waking up and not being able to see it-- it replayed over and over until I got bored of the repetition and I woke up. The time was 20 minutes before my alarm was set to ring at 4:30. My dream essentially woke me up and told me something. Yes, it was stress-related and could've happened anyway... but I'll tell you another story.

It was a random day just after school ended a few weeks ago. I was having this dream that was kind of convoluted (as dreams often are). In this dream, I decided to check my grades... (In real life, I hadn't been supremely worried about grades since I was tired from the semester and busy with other things, I hadn't thought about it too hard.) I kept checking my grades. All the grades that I already knew appeared, but then my Geography 339 class seemed to have a B in the slot, but I couldn't see. There was some stress that I might end up with an AB because I had to write this really intense research paper that I hadn't known much about to begin with, and it was basically the first hard writing-related thing that I'd ever done in my life. The dream consisted of me constantly trying to recheck my grades and being unsuccessful. When I checked my grades when I woke up, the grade was an A. It was weird that my dream would envision that whole scenario (how do YOU pronounce the word scenario. Is it scenArio or is it scenARio?) when I hadn't been thinking of grades at all. I had literally forgotten that I had grades yet missing.

This happens a lot. Dreams sometimes save my life (or tell me exactly how I'm feeling based on the way I act in a dream.) I could share other dreams (I have a recurring one that I have to go onstage because I'm in a play and it's my cue and I have to do a costume change but I can't find the clothes and the clothes don't fit when I do find them and then I go onto stage and like, my mom's there) but I think I've made my point. I've always thought that I'm like, a little psychic about some things. It's not that I think I'm anointed with some mythical psychic power. It's just that often I just KNOW something's going to happen, because of my running, annoying analysis that goes on in my head. But I might be insane, because often, I do things over and over expecting a different result (which is the definition of insanity according to Albert Einstein). In my mind, things are different in different situations, so I'm more of a scientist.  At this point, I've probably lost you. So, I'm sorry. Suffice to say that I think about everything too much and therefore, sometimes with that, I end up figuring people out fast and being able to read their behavior really well and not-all-the-time-but-sometimes I can tell what's going to happen next. And it's really more of a curse than anything.

But anyway, I'll tell you what the end message of my dream is... I need to be more self-reliant, self-motivated and selfish...in other words, independent, brazen and less neurotic. I'm gonna do it.

Read this article.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/journalismcompetition/sanitation-schoolgirls-in-the-developing-world

That is all.