i sometimes say things that i don't mean.

i figured i should start off with a disclaimer.

i've been in a kind of off mood lately, which is admittedly odd for me because i feel like the past year has been this kind of unending mood typified by sinusoidal feelings ranging from YAY I'M SO HAPPY TO BE ALIVE IN THIS BEAUTIFUL WORLD and ...oh that could've gone better...with a period of about a day. having this range of emotions allowed me to just compartmentalize my doubts and feelings and go into any situation with the fresh attitude of "okay, let's do this!"

but alas, it's summer. the season of dwelling. and boy, do i have a lot to dwell on.

right now i'm just in a funky, cranky mood, which makes me irritable and hard to live around, like when becca gets mad and it's all your fault even though you didn't do anything wrong and just happen to be sitting next to her when she's got 3 tests next week. and it's REALLY annoying to be upset-like, because normally i chide people for letting things they can't control control their emotions, and i've been doing this a lot lately. i was sitting on the hill today, writing in my notebook about how i feel like a cat that wants a mouse but has gotten a lobotomy and thus has no will to chase after this mouse. that was literally the most eloquent thing i could summon to describe my mood.

i'm sitting in steep & brew because the person i was stealing internet from's internet is not working in my apartment and i needed to download some answers to problem sets that i've been trying to do for ochem that i'm trying to be motivated for.

but i just keep thinking about people and things and how my cell phone which is quite possibly my only mode of communication with the outside world other than the hole in my face and fleeting bouts of internet is going to give me a tumor, how nigeria has oil spills galore that america has not made a big deal about despite the fact that we get oil from nigeria all the time and how i've cultivated this introverted personality inside of my extroverted self and it doesn't make any sense when i talk about it with people... how i don't really like people that much, but it seems like i'm like, obsessed with them due to the fact that i'm vocal about the liking that i do have. also, something i've always pondered...
when you have chemistry with someone is it visible to that person as well? is chemistry just the nature of an interaction you have with someone, visible to the whole world? or is it deceptively only connected to your synapses and that person has a different idea of what chemistry you have, if you have any at all? basically, like, is it like an accelerator that connects directly to the fuel in your car, or is it a hybrid accelerator that sets of an electrical mechanism, which thus dictates to the car to send out fuel? does this make any sense? i have been wondering about this  a long time. i asked my roommate but she said she doesn't really know what chemistry is in relation between people.

steep & brew is a surprisingly loud hangout place twenty minutes before close.. the staff here makes me a bit uncomfortable because they always make lewd sexual innuendos to each other in a flirty way, but i mean, this place has free wi-fi and good coffee and it's open until 11.

dear everything.

1. i do not like boys at all period. i know that sometimes my actions conflict with this general viewpoint, but i have to admit that this is my truth. guys are too impulsive and they don't plan and they do things like "improvise" and "get hammered," and think you're "beautiful" and admire you for the qualities you have and they don't, like planning, looking nice in floral prints, and talking to people. and it's like, enough already... why can't you just be my best friend, why can't you just rag on me instead of trying to impress me... i like a challenge.

2. i went to costco with my parents, and ate a bunch of samples instead of eating the indian food at home yesterday. this makes me upset because this was my one chance to eat sambar and i didn't get it. and i effing miss my home-cooked cooking.

3. i think becca is mad at me over something stupid.

4. i really don't believe in the concept of shy-ness. why are people shy? it's not fair that i'm not shy. it puts WAY too much pressure on me.

5. i am going to go see modest mouse this weekend.


6. i haven't listened to any music in the past 4 days except for the mix CD i made my dad for father's day, which OMG he loves! he loves it, i'm so proud of myself because my dad scrutinizes all of the music that i listen to/get for him/sing for him. but he likes it and says it's great. i think i made my dad like guster. and over time, regina spektor. i'm really proud of myself.


7. i really really want to re-re-record a study in blue. it's too soft when you play it through speakers. and there's some vocal stuff that could be better. why did i write such a difficult song? it's a truly difficult song to sing and to get the dynamics right on... oh well.


8. i'm just kind of pretending ochem doesn't exist until class today.


9. i sometimes wish you could like, find out statistics about how much people think of you. and that could be the way you decide who your friends are instead of blindly having to you know, assess their personality, and make possibly-accurate assumptions about people

10. i wrote a song last night but it sounded too much like death cab for cutie. 

11. i feel like i really don't believe in love the same way anyone else does... it's just another thing i'm "too cool" for.

i have to take an ochem test soon

very soon. here's caution, you wind!

i don't understand why people shorten organic chem to "orgo." what the heck? there's no O sound in the second part of the word. you don't shorten physics to fizz-o, do you? you can say bio. that makes perfect sense.
but i digress.

i haven't been posting that often because i have yet to establish feelings of normalcy. i still feel odd, like the main characters of my life have left to go be on a different show that pays them better, and the tv show of my life is now adding new characters or making more minor characters that you've seen around develop larger roles and get more lines.

just a thought.

you're a dream to me, dream to me

I just woke up from a dream that seemed like it was trying to tell me something important... been kind of combining aspects of the universe and aspects of my dreams to piece together and answer. And no, I'm not crazy, but to be honest, my dreams have been pretty successful in revealing what I want. Sometimes they're just spooky.

For example, there was this time when I was excited about my first day of middle school and I had gotten a kind of shitty touch screen calendar fake palm pilot thing. I had wanted to get up super early so I could look nice and maybe fall in love. Yes, this was a ridiculous thought, but I was a crazy child who believed in love and peacemaking and unity and all that bullshit. I was pretty insane about it. I used to draw pictures of earths with smiley faces over all the land masses. I was not prepared for the reality of many things until I actually did fall in love and got smacked in the face by it. Anyway, none of this was relevant.

The only thing that is was the fact that I kept having this dream that I was waking up, picking up my palm pilot to check the time and that I couldn't read the time. I kept picking it up, waking up and not being able to see it-- it replayed over and over until I got bored of the repetition and I woke up. The time was 20 minutes before my alarm was set to ring at 4:30. My dream essentially woke me up and told me something. Yes, it was stress-related and could've happened anyway... but I'll tell you another story.

It was a random day just after school ended a few weeks ago. I was having this dream that was kind of convoluted (as dreams often are). In this dream, I decided to check my grades... (In real life, I hadn't been supremely worried about grades since I was tired from the semester and busy with other things, I hadn't thought about it too hard.) I kept checking my grades. All the grades that I already knew appeared, but then my Geography 339 class seemed to have a B in the slot, but I couldn't see. There was some stress that I might end up with an AB because I had to write this really intense research paper that I hadn't known much about to begin with, and it was basically the first hard writing-related thing that I'd ever done in my life. The dream consisted of me constantly trying to recheck my grades and being unsuccessful. When I checked my grades when I woke up, the grade was an A. It was weird that my dream would envision that whole scenario (how do YOU pronounce the word scenario. Is it scenArio or is it scenARio?) when I hadn't been thinking of grades at all. I had literally forgotten that I had grades yet missing.

This happens a lot. Dreams sometimes save my life (or tell me exactly how I'm feeling based on the way I act in a dream.) I could share other dreams (I have a recurring one that I have to go onstage because I'm in a play and it's my cue and I have to do a costume change but I can't find the clothes and the clothes don't fit when I do find them and then I go onto stage and like, my mom's there) but I think I've made my point. I've always thought that I'm like, a little psychic about some things. It's not that I think I'm anointed with some mythical psychic power. It's just that often I just KNOW something's going to happen, because of my running, annoying analysis that goes on in my head. But I might be insane, because often, I do things over and over expecting a different result (which is the definition of insanity according to Albert Einstein). In my mind, things are different in different situations, so I'm more of a scientist.  At this point, I've probably lost you. So, I'm sorry. Suffice to say that I think about everything too much and therefore, sometimes with that, I end up figuring people out fast and being able to read their behavior really well and not-all-the-time-but-sometimes I can tell what's going to happen next. And it's really more of a curse than anything.

But anyway, I'll tell you what the end message of my dream is... I need to be more self-reliant, self-motivated and selfish...in other words, independent, brazen and less neurotic. I'm gonna do it.

Read this article.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/journalismcompetition/sanitation-schoolgirls-in-the-developing-world

That is all.

So...about that quest

I don't know if all of those goals will be accomplished. My family is in town, including my aunt and uncle Monu and Sonali from England and their relatively new son, who I've now met for the first time, two-year-old Anant, my Reenu Bhua, and my sister. I'm having tons of fun because the family makes me realize where I get all of my spunk from. Some interesting liaisons of influence worked together under just the right temperature and pressure to make me. (I sound like my dad describing how cooking works.) There is not a dull moment when you get the nine of us all together. I wish I could give you a more vivid image of this fun phenomenon; it's a good time-- that's all I can really say, without getting anecdotal, which I could, but I'm not in much of an anecdotal mood.

Suffice to say that my family is incredibly cute and funny. I am constantly thinking that I wish I had the video camera so I could remember these moments forever, or better, have some kind of paid camera crew to follow us all around so that we wouldn't have to carry the camera everywhere. We are so temperamental- all of us. One moment we are getting into a fight, next, we are laughing together. We're also all very different from one another, which makes our similarities even more interesting.

I've recently been getting nostalgic. I started reading my xanga from high school. I basically started my xanga in 8th grade, circa my musical renaissance because I wanted to be able to express my opinions without someone finding it from Google or something. I'd say that was about the most creative time in my life as far as thinking about things pretty deeply. Back then, I was kind of caught between being a high-schooler and a middle-schooler, meaning that I had all the desires of a seventeen-year-old girl, but all the freedom of a toddler. My computer, my magazines and books, the library and my friend Cassie, were the sole portals I had to some cooler form of life. That's when I started to get into some really great music, and thank god I did that before high school. I started remembering when Becca and I first became friends, and what we talked about. I remember thinking she was so cool because she did stuff for herself and went on adventures that I couldn't dream of going on like secretly taking buses to Chicago to meet up with her boyfriend.

I look back on myself now and think I was such an idiot back then with the way I looked at people and the way I acted, not considering the reactions of other people. But I guess you have to be an idiot sometime so you can learn from it or else you'll be an idiot forever and no one will want to remember you.

Today I begin on a quest

A quest, you ask?
Yes, a quest.
What for?
To make my life interesting.
And I know what you're thinking. Oh, Aarushi, you are sooo melodramatic! You are interesting. You're so interesting that you're downright weird.

Yes, well. I'm in an interesting rut.
The most interesting thing I did today was to go to the doctor with my mother and realize a condition I've had since puberty may never go away. I have to come to terms with the fact that I need to treat myself for conditions although girl, I have no faith in medicine. Well, not really. I just hate going to the doctor much like everyone else. Also, it's rainy and my flip-flops have slid off of my feet literally five times today.
It's unfortunate that I only have 3 pairs of shoes because they all were accidentally donated.

The second most interesting thing was rushing to the Humanities building to attend choir only to realize that I was an hour early for the she-bang. Yes, an hour early. How did I make this mistake?
I blame This American Life, analog clocks, the rain and a general malaise.

So I've been standing at this kiosk next to strangers trying to go on the internet to web sites that make me look interesting to bystanders and eavesdropping on phone conversations. Having phone conversations and wondering if the bystanders are listening. Wondering if that one guy in a huff has had a restraining order against him. Which, yeah, is interesting. But I want to do fun projects. I want to accomplish a variety of solitary things in my time each week. I want to not rely on others for fun.

By this time next week my goals:
-play a board/card game with someone
-learn a new name
-read the wikipedia article for each of TIME's influential people
-plan next week's radioshow

Stay with us.

place matters

it seems that the more i get older, the more everything becomes wireless
phones that used to have curly cords that i would use to tie myself up in my room when i was six years old
were replaced with cordless ones, then mobile ones
and you know that the desktops so quickly were switched to lap-warming boxes

humans have been wireless since birth
but we don't notice it until we're alone, until we realize it's me, myself & i,
moreso when we're alone in the world
connected to nothing and no one
and this is what i want to be

the problem with wireless things is that you have to back them up
you want to have a hard copy of what you have on the computer
you have to have something to live by, someone to notice you once in a while
something in your world to be connected to
pictures that are framed are  more beautiful than those that are flicked through quickly on a screen
things are so much more significant when they take up physical space
you remember more when you feel something with your hands, when you write something down

but... wireless things can go more places, see more beauty, try things out and throw them away
they don't take as much energy or effort or money to sustain
they take up less space and are less cumbersome on the whole.

am i more likely to fly? 
no strings attached
look ma, no hands

but i guess at the end of the day, everything that is wireless has to be plugged back in, recharged, revitalized for a new journey to somewhere...
maybe it's no way to live.
when you don't have a homebase to recharge at...
you flit from place to place, trying to pick up energy from something or another. you have to find little pieces of solace... use toilets you're not used to and eat food you don't like, find rooms that you really like in the library.
i never thought about it, but place is so important. movement is all fine and good but you have to have something to come home to. you have to have self-infrastructure to rely on.

does it make you crazy to think that many of the people who will change your life unalterably you have not even met yet?
does it make you feel weird that you'll have to impress them with some innovation you come up with the future... that you'll have to make brand new first impressions and brand new efforts and that what you've already done can't be the best you can do?
does it make you nervous that maybe one day, every song that could possibly be written, will have already been written?

good thing we're all plugged into the matrix and nothing is real.

the wizened field before me where i saw you, we were frolicsome and hapless

of course i miss you.

even if i didn't, i'm constantly reminded of everything about you.

i hear the noise from my window that we used to hear when i stayed up late in your arms... i see the dancing couples and remember being one of them. i dress up pretty and wonder how much you'd like it if you could see.

but then i have to remind myself that although it's scary to be alone and it's easier to be with someone i've already won over, i need to win myself over.

i just gotta stop thinking so damn much.

dear loving friends

where the hell are you?

i'm leaving today

to move into my new apartment/chapter/abode.

songs that i know that i love (that don't make a big deal about themselves)

-new slang by the shins : turn me back into the pet that i was when we met/i was happier then, with no mindset/ but if you'da took to me like a gull takes to the wind/well, i'd'a danced like the king of the eyesores and the rest of our lives would'a fared well.

-no surprises by radiohead: no alarms and no surprises, silence

-missed the boat by modest mouse: of course everyone goes crazy over such and such and such/ we made ourselves a pillar/ but we just used it as a crutch/we were certainly uncertain/at least i'm pretty sure i am/well we didn't need the water/ but we just built that good, goddamn

-kiss off by the violent femmes: behind my back, i can see them stare/ they treat me bad, but i don't mind/ they treat me bad/ they do it all the time

-nowhere man by the beatles: he's a real nowhere man/sitting in a nowhere land/ making all his nowhere plans for nobody/ doesn't have a point of view/knows not where he's going to/isn't he a bit like you and me?

-i'll make a man out of you from the mulan soundtrack : mister, i'll make a man out of you/ tranquil as a forest, but a fire within/ once you find your center, you are sure to win/you're a spineless, pale, pathetic lot and you haven't got a clue/somehow i'll make a man of you.../you must be swift as a coursing river (be a man)/ with all the force of a great typhoon (be a man)/with all the strength of a raging fire/mysterious as the dark side of the MOON!
....you gotta love that song! it has an a cappella breakdown!

-between love & hate by the strokes: never needed anybody/i never needed anybody/i never needed anybody/i never needed nobodyyyy.

-defending the paint by the soft drugs: well, i heard it was you/ those guys don't know/just how thorough/ a plan can be/ but now they're working for me


-she's fantastic by sondre lerche: all the girls that i know/suddenly seem so-so/suddenly no one quite can compare to her/why? she's fantastic/ i don't know what to do/what is a guy to contribute?/ all the girls my own age/ have me turning the page/ there so eager to try/ she don't do nothing/ why? she's fantastic!

-i know there's an answer by sonic youth: i know so many people who think they can do it alone/ they isolate their heads and stay in their safety zone/ but what can you tell them?/ and what can you say that won't make them defensive?/ i know there's an answer/ i know now but i have to find it by myself.

-myla goldberg by the decemberists: this song reminds me of becca for some reason. must be the jewish-ness.


-everything i want to be by save ferris: i find myself, i'm just a-wasting my time away/ no matter what i do, it always ends up the same/ one minute moves into the next/ my life was simple but now it's complex/ and it doesn't seem to mean anything at all/ and everything i wanna be/is just another silly dream, you see/ but i keep dreaming just the same!

-the way you look tonight by frank sinatra: someday, when i'm awfully low, when the world is cold, i will feel aglow just thinking of you-- and the way you look tonight.

-all of the time by locksley: because everywhere she is i want to be/when i'm holding her, it makes me weak/we've got a kind of love that's hard to see/but your lies are tearing her away from me

-all my life by the foo fighters: this song was one of the first songs i listened to when i started listening to real music.

-intervention by arcade fire: you say it's money that we need, as if we're only mouths to feed


-walk away by franz ferdinand: why don't you walk away?/no buildings will fall down/ no quake will split the ground/won't you walk away?/ the sun won't swallow the sky/ why don't you walk away?/statues will not cry.

-everywhere by fleetwood mac: my parents loved this song when i was a wee child. naturally, it was one of the first songs i ever knew.

-dreams by the cranberries 

-kiss me by sixpence none the richer

-time is all around by regina spektor : but leaves become most beautiful when they're about to die, when they're about to fall from trees, when they're about to dry up! why am i supposed to love if i don't want to love? why am i supposed to, i'm so tired. why am i supposed to love if i don't want- i don't want- i don't want to.

not inclusive, duh.



albums i'm gonna listen to in my new room:

windsurfing nation - broken social scene
it's never been like that - phoenix
this is a long drive for someone with nothing to think about - modest mouse
clandestino - manu chao
peaceful - prasanna

i swear i'm going to like not listen to a mix for a week. really. hopefully.

not inclusive either.

favorite albums (could listen to all the way through and enjoy the whole thing  without skipping songs or albums that i have developed a relationship with):
comfort eagle -cake
in between dreams - jack johnson
chutes too narrow - the shins (also: wincing the night away; oh, inverted world-basically everything mercer has ever written)
is this it- the strokes (also: everything else by the strokes- i literally like all of their songs)
you could have it so much better - franz ferdinand
franz ferdinand- franz ferdinand
funeral, neon bible- arcade fire
begin to hope, soviet kitsch- regina spektor
the doors- the doors
ok go - ok go
vampire weekend - vampire weekend
picaresque- the decemberists
her majesty- the decemberists
give up - postal service
parachutes - coldplay
i'm wide awake, it's morning - bright eyes
the stranger- billy joel
rubber soul, abbey road, revolver - the beatles
yours to keep- albert hammond jr.
ok computer - radiohead
good news for people who love bad news - modest mouse
white blood cells, elephant - the white stripes
who's next - the who
hairspray OST (i think this one is cheating, but whatever)
twentysomething- jamie cullum
dark side of the moon -pink floyd (i know i'm super original)
every breath you take: the classics- police (this is also cheating because this is a greatest hits album)
[i want to say something by death cab for cutie but i can't think of one album by them that i totally loved to death, except that i didn't really like narrow stairs. but that's the opposite. i guess i could say plans or transatlanticism, but i know that i still skip stuff on those CDs.
but on the relationship criterion, i'll say: ]
plans, transatlanticism (um, this one has a lack of color by far making it have to be on this list)
nirvana unplugged in new york
louise attaque - louise attaque
how it ends- devotchka
the velvet underground & nico - the velvet underground & nico
dear catastrophe waitress- belle & sebastian
frank sinatra reprise collection disc 1
keep it together - guster
antics - interpol
curbside prophet- jason mraz (nobody better give me shit for this)
pale young gentleman (self-titled)
don't make me wait - locksley (except, all of the time and into the sun were better on the EP version, which is weird, but i lost the full EP in transferring music files between computers)
more adventurous - rilo kiley
the sound of the smiths  (another best of)


nothing else that i can think of right now makes the cut.  wow, i just wasted a ton of time.

just a little thought

he's gone.
maybe, forever.
he left me
a guitar
an amp
a book he says reminds him of me
a movie that we watched today that made us cry
about explorers in the sky
he loves me more than i could ever hope to be loved.
and i sent him away.

one day, maybe i'll see him in the sky from atop a mountain i've already climbed.
he'll wave at me from a very tall tree.
and i'll wave back at him.

and it is true what you said... that i live like a hermit in my own head

i'm isolating myself on purpose today. i know i'm letting people down.
i'm in my room trying to make sense of my infinitely growing expanse of clothing yet again
it's kind of depressing... all the clothes i didn't wear, all the tattered, broken articles: bras with underwire poking out, leggings with holes in them, jackets with missing buttons, shirts that i bought from being part of a school program that are all either a little too big or a little too small for me. i had a fashion show for myself; that was exciting.

i don't have the heart to throw anything away. i throw things out on an impulse, and regret it later. everything seems to have a story, like the pink bra that i made my cousin buy for me in a high fashion mall because it was a fraction of the price it would've been in america, prompting my aunt to ask me why i would ever need such a luxurious bra. the black polka dot tank top i no longer have that i have the exact inverse patterned boxers for. all the kurtis i bought dirt-cheap from a low-quality outlet in delhi that i should've already thrown out by now.

i try on basically all of my clothes during these cleanup sessions- i like to imagine i'm some kind of fashion forward princess, and i wear around my tiara because i can. i dress like i'm one of those New york fashion week models, next a librarian, next like regine cassagne, then like a "hipster." i'm not a hipster. i'm lucky i never throw anything away otherwise these illusions would be hard to support. probably the only time i'll allow myself to wear leggings as pants.

can you tell i'm not often alone for long periods of time?

i'm going to be alone a lot more starting tuesday or wednesday depending on when exactly i'll move in. these are the things i will do to fill that time:
- practice guitar
- walk around by myself, appreciate the beauty that our campus is, and read books
- explore state street and monroe street
- cook for two
- go to the nat and swim.
- listen to a lot more music. review a lot of CDs.
- try to write poetry, try to write songs
- decorate new room
-write emails to boy
- for the love of god, get my bike fixed.
- write storylines for "Who shot the serif?" (my radio show with becca)

things i haven't been doing enough of
-exercise
-having real full-out emotions; crying
-reading the news
-eating

things i've been doing too much of
-hanging out with people
-dreading
-feeling/being awkward
-trying to make mix CDs
-charging computer/iPod
-being a know-it-all

i really want to...
-laugh
-forget my troubles for a bit
-get this damn room clean, my damn stuff packed up, my damn bike fixed, my damn act together
-cry a lot
-fast forward through the next two weeks of transition and just take ochem in peace.

it's hard having fun, it's much easier said than it's done [lyrics post]

hold me like before, hold me like you used to, control me like you used to...
you don't move me like before, and i'm glad that you don't, because i can't take it anymore. 

you wanna know, what's that godawful sound? something's dragging on the ground. the machine is breaking down.

secret heart, go on and share it. this loneliness- few can bare it. could it be three simple words, or the fear of being overheard?

if every scrap of marble contains a beautiful woman, then all that it takes is the patience to chisel her out.

tell me anything you want. any old lie will do. 

i read the body count out of the paper and now it's written all over my face. 

no one ever plans to sleep out in the gutter. sometimes that's just the most comfortable place.

you can't stop my happiness, because i like the way i am.
let the music smother me, whole weekend recovery.  dancing on a friday night.

one day i'm gonna be a star. then i'll get to hang in a bar. i'll go to vegas with the playas, just to forget my scars.

oh, oh, oh, oh, i'll get him hot and show him what i've got.

my love, she throws me like a rubber ball. and she won't catch me or break my fall. with rings on her fingers, and bells on her toes, she shall have music wherever she goes.

it's always better on holiday, that's why we only work when we need the money. 

                                   it's way too late

              to be this locked inside ourselves. the trouble is that you're in love with someone else. 

                  

says here an astronaut put on a pair of diapers and drove 18 hours to kill her boyfriend. in my hotel room, i'm wondering if you read that story too. and if we both might be having the same imaginary conversation.

        what are you staring at? nothing, your hair in the moonlight. you look familiar.

a woman calls my house once a week, she's always selling things: some charity, a phone plan, a subscription to a magazine. and as i turned her down, i always do, there's something trembling in her voice. i said, "hey what troubles you?"

she said, "i'm surprised you noticed. well my husband he is leaving and i can't convince him to stay, and he'll take our daughter with him, she wants to go with him anyway. i'm sorry i'm hard to live with. living is the problem for me. i'm selling people things they don't want when i don't know what you need."

i keep a close watch on this heart of mine. 

i keep my eyes wide open all the time. i keep the ends out for the tie that binds. 

because you're mine, i walk the line.

i find it very very easy to be true,

i find myself alone when each day is through. 

yes i'll admit that i'm a fool for you. because you're mine, i walk the line.

listen honey there is nothing you could say to OFFEND me anymore; you DON'T SEND me anymore. 
our little scene is getting smaller by the day. it's a HUMAN ZOO. 

                                i called you because i love you so. that's reason enough. it doesn't show.

   while we're on the subject, could we change the subject now?
   i was knocking on your ears. (don't worry, you were always out.) 
    looking towards the future, we were begging for the past. well, we know we had the good things, but those never seem to last. oh, please just last.  

oh and we carried it all so well as if we'd got a new position. 

          and true, it may seem like a stretch but it's thoughts like this that catch my troubled head when you're away and i am missing you to death.

i like you, yeah i like you, and i'm feeling so bohemian like you. 


                                                         AND IT'S YOU I HEAR, SO LOUD AND SO CLEAR. 

there were days when a refrain would brighten our corner of hickory lane, and you would sing that song for me just like your favorite singer. why'd you have to be so nice? a wink and a girly smile. why'd you have to punch my eye? that was something. but did you want me to stay?
 
                                   born to multiply, born to gaze into night's skies. all you want's one more saturday.

i want your ugly, i want your disease

"when lady gaga says she wants your  disease, she probably doesn't know what she wants, if you look at some of what these sexual dysfunctions are..." - andy, my TA for sex

i don't know about you, but glee's cover of this song was incredibly good.

i'm not going to draw a comparison between me and lady gaga, but i've been thinking lately, i'm like eight different people.

so i have basically 4 sets of friends:

 -there are the ones who check up on me, know when something really big happens and might be there to witness it.

-there are the ones who are always there when i feel lonely to have a long philosophical talk with

-there is the large clique of friends that gets assembled whenever we're on break from school.

-there are the friends that are always doing something fun and i can relax with them with no pressure.

this makes sense because i have an 8 component personality.

obviously the first group sees most of me, the second sees my funny/deep side, the third sees my funny/slightly insane side, and the last have seen me in a few different ways.

this hits me weird because in some groups, i will feel like i'm completely one thing, like i'm the most girly/stupid/smart/reliable/bashful person in the room, but then in another group, i will be the opposite. ah, relativity. but deeper than that, i realize that i fulfill different roles in each of these groups: sometimes i'm the reality check, sometimes i'm the sandman. this leads me to realize the power of the human mind to develop categories to stick people into. these categories are fed by confirmation bias (when you think something already, you continue to find evidence to support it) until one thinks that said person just is a certain way, instead of thinking that they might be able to be something other than what their "type" dictates.
this becomes in a problem because sometimes, i tend to act according to someone's expectations of me.

it's frustrating because i want to be the same person with everyone.  such an idea, however, is self-defeating, because different people bring out different parts of you:

-i have a few friends i could never discuss politics with(and make no mistake, this kind of thing has nothing to do with education level. i have some really well-educated friends), but they build me up and make me laugh when i need a searchlight.

-i have a couple of friends-- who i respect fully for being so keen and clever with their thought processes, with whom i seem to have so much in common... but somehow we are fundamentally different in the way we approach and see and act in the world, like two different sides of the same coin. 

-some friends like me more than they let on.

-i have a friend who seems to love me nearly unconditionally, who supports me in nearly everything i do and remembers most everything i say, who puts up with my crazy on a daily basis and still cares enough about me to call everyone i know to make sure i'm safe.

because everyone is different with me, everyone sees different sides of me. kind of like an experiment where you expose a plant to different conditions. i realize that i might have to come to terms with the disconnect that happens. it seems that some of my friends could never see me being serious about academics, while another might think i'm way too serious, some will see me as brazen and assertive, while some might see someone who simply doesn't have a filter. i have to realize that some of my friends may never see me for more than what i was two years ago... perhaps, back when they really knew me.
where you sit depends on where you stand, according to my professor for international studies 101, Scott Straus, who I think was quoting Fareed Zakaria, who undoubtedly got it from someone else.


all of this doesn't really bug me that much, even though i've rambled on a bit about it.  and forgive me for the rambling, but after all, this is MY blog, this is my place to figure things out without getting too much of a hand cramp from writing this all out in my tiny journal which is currently still packed in with my stuff.

what i guess i want to say is that none of my friends ARE me, and none of them are the perfect friend, but they all care about me, and they all make me more alive in different ways. some, by giving me an okay on being hedonistic; others, by reining me in when i need it; still others for challenging me to be better-- and of course, by making me laugh. i feel incredibly blessed to get to have so many valuable, fascinating people in my life, who still want to see me.

the one thing that really bugs me, however, is when people make an assumption about someone's existence or being, based on something they've heard about them, seen them do once, or any of the like. here is where the confirmation bias comes in full force.
for example, there are the token "smart" people. and i give them credit, they are VERY smart many times, sometimes they do extraordinary things like build robots or take a lot of hard classes and get extremely high grades on tests. but being great at something doesn't make you superhuman.

 i hate it when people:
-compare themselves to these godly smart beings and sell themselves short
-assume that this "smart" person will be great at whatever academic task they have to do ever or will know the answer to any given question
-not give the "smart" person credit for being anything other than what they're assumed to be
-assume that this smart person is the end-all be-all of smart on the subject and everyone else is fighting to keep up.

assumptions, people. they make asses of all of us. by thinking this way, you are being way too simplistic with your logic.
i may have a big mouth, but i try to pay a lot of attention before forming an opinion about someone and their competency at a given skill.
with my mind that is surprisingly capable of symbolic and abstract thinking i recognize that there is not one person who has a monopoly over all of the smarts or skillz. it's just that some people, let's face it, are better at getting things done in the world, and some people stand out more. (also, some people boast.)

i'm not going to lie. i get legitimately offended when someone assumes that someone who is known as smart will do something better than i will without evidence, or generally whenever anyone uses the "that's the way this person is" argument.

excuse me, who are you to say who/what a person is capable of? do you know what i'm capable of?

another one i like is:
"aarushi, why would you do that?"
"why can't i do this? jason did it."
"well jason's really smart."
"well, yeah, and so am i."

there is a very very fine line between cleverness/smarts and determination. i guarantee you the people who win in the world have a little of both. i just really don't like this absolutist way of thinking. people aren't just one thing, and they aren't just the way they are. believing that some person is JUST BETTER than me and you and us is just an excuse to not try to improve.

the root of the problem is the fact that some people are too quick to make "rules" in their heads. they sound like:
someone who is a year ahead in math and getting an A, is probably smart. 
someone who is three years a head in math and is taking 234 at the UW and has a 4.0 is probably REALLY smart. therefore, they must be more apt to solve a problem than the person sitting next to them in 234 who is taking it at a normal time.... or, therefore, they must get everything right all the time and never have to ask questions, or therefore, they're also really good at physics.

it's incredibly stupid, but i swear this is the way a lot of people think. people hold a lot of illusions. it's not that i begrudge the sentiment of people who are impressed by advancement, it's just that in general, it's stupid to be so impressed with someone that you don't realize what they really are. it's how bad leaders get elected.

the same goes for most things : beauty for example.
there is no one standard for beauty, at least according to me. 
i was a little appalled when i found out that in psych studies where attractiveness is a factor the experimenter got to just say someone was attractive and someone else wasn't. that's another thing that is not something you can just be or not be. sometimes, at best, you can know what it's not.

(thinking about this makes me think back to a post jason reminded me of that i wrote back in 2007.... long time ago, which was a bit cheesy, but i think it's still valid. it's called "You are not unbeautiful." i guess it was my 16-year-old self's defiant reaction from various social and perceived pressures.)

i don't necessarily hate the people who do this, as i realize, they're not trying to sell other people short by their blanket assumptions. being both a person who is assumed to do well in something, and a person who is assumed to come out behind someone else, i know that it's easier to live without having to deal with others' expectations of your behavior or others' perceptions of your worth. 
i just know at these times that you've gotta remember that your truth is not what people tell you, but what you expect of yourself, and what you believe you are capable of.

no thank you for the music

it's safe to say I've been in a musical rut for about a month now.

the moment i turn my back on music for like two weeks, i'm uninspired again.

the problem is that i'm being too discriminatory with my music and only listening to music i know i like, but as a result, i'm not consuming in depth.

and now i'm making a mix CD and worried that it sounds bad, when making good mixes is usually just instinctual for me.

usually, each mix is one of songs i know the person will like generally plus some songs that are kind of similar to their taste so I'm pretty sure they'll like them and then some that are just all around good, so there's a high chance the person will enjoy them.

today though, i'm mad at myself so i started off making the mix with some "other" music - the stuff that i haven't been listening to that much, which can have positive but also disastrous results.

so i stuck on a bunch of standbys which will probably be pretty successful, but this CD has not been a fun learning experience for me as i hoped it might be.

areas of musical regret:
-not listening to hazards of love- the decemberists enough because it's overproduced and i end up turning it off.

-not listening to contra- vampire weekend in its entirety because i just love vampire weekend (self-titled) too much not to listen to it whenever i listen to vampire weekend.

-not listening to viva la vida.


i think that you guys can sense the pattern here. in general, i tend to get distracted and rush toward familiar, comfort music. this is VERY bad.


the few of you who read this: do you have any musical suggestions? i don't want music that i have to work to get into, i want music that's immediately infectious and likeable.

unfortunately, i'm also in a fashion rut. =(

using paragraphs rather than lists

creative things i used to do but don't do now.

write stories, make web sites, write elaborate journal entries including illustrations, wrote songs that used way too many of the only chords i knew how to play on the guitar, put on makeup at 3 AM because i felt like it, cut my own hair, make up elaborate become-really-awesome-in-ten-minutes schemes, make layouts for whatever online journal i was using at the time.


songs i really like but don't know enough about the artist to make a big deal of.

fake palindromes, baby featuring ludacris, penny on a train track, brighter than sunshine, long distance call, paper planes, cigarettes and chocolate milk, sh-boom (life could be a dream), empire state of mind, beautiful girls, in our talons, bad education, it's alright baby


goals for songwriting.

write a ballad that doesn't suck, write an upbeat song that doesn't suck, title something using parentheses, have one song with a really minimalist title, write one song with a title that's a pun, write a song that will bring someone to tears because it's so damn awesome

things i have to throw away/recycle/give away/channel.

anger, passive aggressive people, attachment to earthly things, insane packrat tendencies, most of my makeup, all the clothing i second-guess myself while wearing it because although some people believe in comfort over looks, actually it is possible that you can look super good in something that look super good on you and that's what i believe and i'm sticking to it, probably my harvard sweatshirt because let's be honest i'm not that big of a fan of harvard even if they make warm maroon sweatshirts, my bad attitude regarding cleaning/academics, most of the papers that had to do with middle school and high school, all the brown paper bags i used to transport books home, all those purses meghana regifted to me. 

things i have to learn to live with.

homeless people, state street, being single and cooking for myself, hipsters who never wear the same outfit twice, girlie girls girlier than me, the fact that i'll eventually have to wear makeup in my older age, lopsided organs, the things that 100% of boys do, the fact that everyone's just going to be much less impressed when i do things right by/for people, i'll never have a 4.0 nor do i really want one, i can't please everyone nor do i want to, the fact that ugly betty was canceled, scott doesn't like the who/oranges, becca doesn't like boys who live in our zip code, priyanka doesn't like daria and jason likes everything and everyone just a little too much, some nice people are too nice and then you don't know if they're honest people, no one can fill your void but yourself, there is no astronaut mike dexter, we're all getting older by the second.

things i don't have to live with.

my carbon footprint, my addiction to simply fruit fruit rollups, my penchant for clutter/freaking out, my furniture, my family once i move into my apartment with emily, eating restaurant food, bad sleeping patterns, the fact that i haven't written a legit story since last semester's french class, not being fluent in hindi/french, apathy.

some thoughts

I have the sneaking suspicion that Becca likes Kelly Clarkson.

These allergies will be the DEATH of me.

I should probably eat something today seeing as it's been two hours since I woke up and I've done nothing but curl up.

I might have to switch from Stereogum to Pitchfork because I can't understand how Stereogum works anymore. Also, I don't like CNN and NYT's RSS newsfeeds because they don't just let me read the whole story. I have to go to a separate page.

There's so much music I want to listen to and get into that it's overwhelming and it's really hard because I don't know that I'll like everything and I don't want to spend all the time obtaining the music and listening to it if I don't know there will be a return on the investment.

Crystal WHAT THE FUCK JUST COME HOME

I will be hanging out with Suvai in T-1hour and I should probably clean up my room a little bit before then.

I never really understood Jim and Pam as a couple. I know they love each other and stuff, but how can be happy in their small little home-office world? They're like, SO NORMAL. Weirding me out.

Last night, the Rose Lights jammed and it was really nice because it's summer and I like to sing like SO MUCH more than anything else in the entire world.

I woke up and neither my parents nor my brother was home and then I realized it's only summer for me.

I think it's weird that people Arcade Fire emphasizing the CADE part of Arcade Fire, when I pronounce the AR more. That might be because my name is AARushi and I'm sensitive about doing stuff like that. Another funny thing is that my Facebook name is Aarushi Fire (because my last name is Fire in Sanskrit) kind of like Arcade Fire and if people pronounced my name right they would be pronouncing the first syllable like Arcade.

Anyway, Becca is right; Kelly Clarkson's song "Naked Eye" totally rips off Rebellion (Lies)!!!

obladi oblada

I am at home with my family since I moved out yesterday. Nothing much has happened except that I'm editing Jason's essay, which is really interesting, about how medicine has changed (becoming more depersonalized) through the centuries with the creation of germ theory and stuff.

Some funny things though.

My mom always uses medical terminology to describe the chores we have to do.

We played Brainquest and looked up Andrew Johnson's impeachment. "He left office a bitter man."

My little brother, Chet, is playing Carol of the Bells in piano. My mom was singing Obladi Oblada this morning.

Also. Chet and I talking about the BP oil spill:
Me: That's really too bad. I kind of like BP.
Chet: Yeah I know!! They have such a nice logo!


Talked to Crystal online about stuff.

I honestly cannot wait until Crystal and Suvai get back. I'm psyched to see them.

Instead of writing my paper...

Things I made Jason do that positively affected his existence
-listen to the Shins, Autolux, Belle & Sebastian, etc
-listen to WSUM 91.7 FM Madison
-do Forensics
-start a blog
-buy that super cute shirt from Aeropostale that one time; from Urban that other time
-buy Cassie's bass
-take Human Sexuality
-socialize
-listen to the Strokes who he didn't like initially


another useless post.